Captain

STOP PRESS

BIG MIDGE IN TROUBLE - When the spokesperson was asked about the pensioners' money, she replied "f..............................................."

 

 

 

....'em.

But then, after a series of pubic meetings chaired by the 100% independent AhLox, and a secret chinese line of cledit was identified (from Ahlox's best mate at the Doo Duck Inn & Summer Palace in Thoopara), Ratt Corporation Pty Ltd issued the following Product Disclosure Statement ...............

STOP PRESS SUBSCRIPT & HEADLINE FROM "THE MIDGE POINT CHRONICLE"- F'ALL KNOWN ABOUT BIG MIDGE PROBLEMS IN F'N Q.

THIS PICY SHOWS ONE OF THE PUBIC MEETINGS OF BIG MIDGE SHAREHOLDERS AT LAGUNA QUAYS JUST NORTH OF MIDGE POINT AND A LITTLE WEST OF SANDFLY HARBOUR. AHLOX IS THE BLOKE WITH THE GLASSES, GREY BEARD AND WHITE HAT AT LOWER CENTRE ABOUT TO POUND HIS GAVEL TO COMMENCE THE DICUSSION. (AHLOX POUNDS HIS MORE THAN ALMOST ALL THE WRECKFLYING MEMBERS ............... AND THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING).

STOP PRESS

The f'n Q chapter of the AUF has announced that it has decided to break away to form the f'n QAUF and will locate its operations in office 137 of the Big Midge, just next to the new Qantas and ETIHAD head offices.

The f'n QAUF has also leased the floor space on both wings and will be building two 1000 m strips with the left wing oriented 27/05 to take care of the sou'westers and the right wing 30/12 for when the norwesters blow.

"This is a great victory for Queenslanders" said Kilometres, flanked by Madge and the Mini Minor.

Investigator Ratt had fallen on hard times after the conviction. Although he only received a suspended Sentence, all of Waaga Wagga soon knew what exactly he had been investigating, and it wasn't crimes, but.......

......... dear readers, your dedicated and lovable Ratty still says that he is very proud of his honest toil in 6 jobs to keep his toys fed with Premium Unleaded. He sees no reason to recoil from Turbo's disgraceful exposé and even after his recent conviction and subsequent $10 million good behaviour bond, Ratty continued his investigation of how the heck any rational builder can be expected to construct a water skiing lake atop the new Big Midge.

However when Ratty cleverly identified the possibility of that lake being used to provide head for the water supply in Midge Point and all points north, which in-fact would have enough head to blow the tops off taps and hot water systems throughout f'n f'n Q and the Torres Strait, it made the Big Midge much more financially attractive and it soon became the F'n Q equivalent of the Snowy Mountains Scheme, where ................

And this, NES readers is why Simple Rat is detailing cars for the Wagga Wagga Skoda Dealer.He didn't look at the Scale on the drawing. If he had, he would have known that the resort has enough space inside the eye to build a water ski lake, which is what Turbo is about to do. He is currently looking for reliable boat motors, and then................

......... this is typical Turbo, and I must explain further to the many thousands of NES readers and the multitude that also access this forum via the interweb.

A bloke comes up with a pretty good concept for the giant Midge and in typical Turbine III fashion, he takes it too far and tries to include a water ski lake. (I reckon he has flashbacks to his time on the good ship Venus in mid-Atlantic and wants to relive that mid-Midge Point).

Now while the weight of such a lake is well within the design criteria of the Big Midge, the financial analysis shows that bugger all of the Midge Point residents or visitors will use it unless they can sneak through the gap in the wall beside the Midge's anal cavity.

Ratty is also concerned about possible wet patches in the roof of the revenue earning Opera Theatre behind the main auditorium.

Also in typical Turbine III fashion, he responded " ............

Ratty thanks Salesman Bradley for the loan of his Ipad and will now be resuming his Skoda Cleaning Training followed by his "Skoda Factors Course".

Investigator Ratt will consider Turbo's cruel and untrue claims (Ratty is proud of his honest toil) after he finishes cleaning the red Yeti and goes for his 20 minutes smoko, he will prepare a response (if he can borrow one of the salesmen's computers).

Turbo has booked a two week holiday at the new Midge Heights Resort, which will be located in the giant creature's left eye.

This, dear reader, is another example of Turbo's over-optimistic engineering.

Geeez Louise Turbine, old mate, any plonker who looks at the model in post # 10,182 would know immediately that there isn't enough room in that eye to house a Resort.

Fair dinkum, Tink, what were you thinking ......... and your best mate Ratface just wishes to point out that this type of error gives the Wait-Shift guys more ammo with which to hammer you over W&B.

Anyone with a slide-rule, or a sharp crayon, would know that a Resort would need both eyes with an aero-bridge & a moving walkway between them, and that is included in the existing plans.

but cried Bull, she[the parasol]only weighs 270 kg all up weight and with the new jab engine and counter balance weight i,ll have to register her a an LSA.............. but ,now Bull has an idea about this problem ,but what with fighting the FNq midges and lsa bats this idea has escaped. Turdy than drew himself[very well too with HP pencil]up to his full height of 9 inch,s and said....

....... "I was wr...... wr....... wro ..... wro ...... wron..... wron ...... wrong ................ ish" said Turbine who always had trouble spitting that out "But please don't tell anyone ....... and it is no wonder that the wait-shift blokes got so upset with me."

"No wuckers Tub, as it will be our little secret" replied bull, who is a real nice, forgiving bloke.

"There are 2 ideal solutions, which I fully engineered last night." said Turbo with his usual authority.

"(1) It is dumb to fit 148 kgs of lead in the tail (or empennage as us engine-ears call it). The optimum solution would, of course, be to install another 4400 pusher back there and as well as going like the wind, just think of all the spare valves and thru-bolts that provides should the front engine packs it in.

(2) Perhaps a more elegant solution is to fit an auxhiliary 150 fuel talk in the tail and then have a screw (NTTIAWWT) operated sliding engine mount in the front which automatically winds the engine rearwards based on automatice fuel consumtion readouts.

Both of the above are patented and copyrighted so please send fees and $9.50 for certified plans."

bull was amazed and couldn't wait to take his modified aircraft to the Waterhole Creek Fly-In, which is sponsored this year by the Hook-In Takeaway, where other flyboys will .............

.......... the dangers of the home-brand midge coils which are 6ft diameter, contain nitro glycerine, and are made to dissuade f'n Q's f'n HUGE midges.

The issue described in Tink's post # 10189 would not be a problem for conservative aviation engineer bull, who had fitted his Loehle Sports Parasol with the latest Jabiru 4400 flat 8 & two 3 blade counter-rotating props (bull is a whizz with a lathe and some billet aluminium).

"I admit" said bull "That W&B is a bit of an issue, but Turbine knows all about that and will surely help me."

Turbine drew himself up out of his Smoky Dawson authopeadic chair and said "...........

Turbo has booked a two week holiday at the new Midge Heights Resort, which will be located in the giant creature's left eye, and

....... bull gave a knowing laugh (well, it was actually a cross between a giggle and a chortle) "Tink's booking is the same week as the Qld Swinger's Convention is being held in the 3000 seat (or 1500 lying down) Giant Midge Exhibition Centre and he is sure to be "two weak" after they finish with him, so I reckon that our well respected Turbine IV might actually be a bit of a ..................

seat with his tail being slapped by the working girl next to him,as it wandered a bit and....

......... do you see, dear reader, how these silvertails like Turbine Esq and Dr bull will never fully understand.

"I agree" said Darlene "And what's wrong with me being a "working girl" even if I am only a Doctor specialising in Brain Injury, I still work and if you prick me do I not like it?"

Now we all know that Turbine Esq owns half of Melbournistan, however Investigator Ratt has just received a report that Dr bull has relocated from bone to Midge Point where he pokes ....... out into the Coral Sea.

For those of you that have never had to endure f'n f'nQ, Midge Point is located a little north of Mozzie Promentary and 300 kms south of Hookworm Bay, but on the very bright side, Midge Point has one of the most active Swingers Clubs and a very large CWA membership, most of whom are lobbying to rename Midge Point by removing the "i" and inserting (NTTIAWWT) an "a" in honour of the service that has been given to the Midge Point Swinger's Club by .............

THE MODEL OF THE "BIG MIDGE" WHICH IS BEING CONSIDERED TO BE BUILT BY THE MIDGE POINT PROGRESS ASSOCIATION NEXT TO THE BOWLING ALLY AND MALL IN MIDGE POINT HEIGHTS (ON THAT VERY DESIRABLE 100 ACRES THAT BULL OWNS BETWEEN JIMMY'S ROCK ROAD AND BUNDESEN AVE).

IT WILL BE LARGE ENOUGH TO HOUSE A 300 PERSON/MINUTE ESCALATOR UP THAT BACK LEG AND THE BODY WILL BE USED TO HOUSE THE 2018 NATIONAL CONVENTION OF THE LABOR PARTY.

A HELICOPTER LANDING PAD WILL BE LOCATED JUST UP NEAR THE TOP OFTHE PROBOSCIS, A 200 ROOM MOTEL WILL BE LOCATED IN THAT BIT THAT NORMALLY HOUSES THE POOP CHUTE, AND WARRICK CAPPER HAS ALREADY FRANCHISED ONE OF HIS CAPPER-CHINO COFFEE EMPORIUMS IN LEASING SPACE W67 NEAR THE REAR OF THE BODY.

.....the high-intelligence-gene, which enabled them to spot an ...................................

........ imposter like Tink (whose only real "intelligence" related to his previously disclosed "Old Bag Ops") in the wink (NTTIAWWT) of an ........

TURBO ON ONE OF HIS "OLD BAG OPS", PHOTOGRAPHED WHILE TRYING TO CRACK-ON AT A LOCAL "GRAB-A-GRANNY" JOINT ............. AND I ASK YOU DEAR READER, DO YOU STILL BELIEVE THAT HE WAS ON SOME PRIME MINISTERIALLY SANCTIONED CLANDESTINE INTELLIGENCE OPERATION? (HE CLAIMS THAT JOE LYONS PERSONALLY GAVE HIM CARTE BLANCHE ......... OR SOME OTHER TYPE OF FRENCH PASTRY).

PS......... IT TOOK 5 OF HIS ASSITANTS TO PULL THE CORSET TIGHT ENOUGH FOR HIM TO LOOK LIKE THAT.

.... we, the elite, can keep dominating them and thereby stay at the top or the WreckFlying totem pole".

His mention of the "Totem Pole" had a strange effect of Turbo who appeared to have a flashback to the Indian Wars of 1830 when Turbo's antecedents headed west from the Potomac in bright expectation, only to quickly get involved in the Ambela Campaign before the Bunerwals surrendered.

"Are you sure that you aren't referring to Tink's aniseedants?" asked Andy who knew a fair bit about Pimpinella anisum and the entire Pimpinella genus in general.

"I don't know about Pimpinella" commented Lord Byron "But when he was prepubescent, Tink was covered in pimples and all the boys used to laugh and call him "Pimplenella", if that fact was of any interest to you."

Then Andy explained how his ancestors and those of the Turbine gene pool where linked through ...............

....... perk, just spending our time between the delights & fleshpots of FishWick, Waikiki & Venus Beach.

"But just think of the kudos of being an unopposed board member" said Lord Bryon, who obviously found the prospect quite attractive.

Tink, who had dominated the hierarchy of several sports over the years, just yawned and replied "..............

..... pretty easy to get the gong on the Board when unopposed, but as we all know, a spanner in the wheel is worth 2 in the bush (or any of the other types of plain bearings).

Quixxy looked on quixotically and pretty quickly ..........

Turbo playing Donny Q in the school play early last century, with his right hand suspiciously located. "I had an itch" he said, which was his standard excuse.

....... this has exposed a terrible issue with Obrut (or Knit as he is sometimes known), even when he still has his dacks on, and which I must report to my local CASA Inspector (see his ID & CISA photo below)." she added.

"Dear Brownie. How can you blokes allow Tink to fly a Jabiru, a Warrior, a PA28, a V115, a AA5B, a C210 and an F15 when his aixelsyd extends to complete sentences being backwards." Harry-ette wrote "And he can't spell, as evidenced by the engraved "Mister Swotch" label in his F15".

"Ette-yrrah eerga ew" responded the ASAC Inpestor "And ew lliw ......................

Egdam sometimes impersonated this Inspector.

"Egdam for President" yelled my Aunt as she looked at the AUF Board Tollab. "We love Egdam" called Andy supportively as he came out of the shower at my Aunt's joint.

....... where he had a sign that said "Master Bate" where the Master Switch was usually located .... and some say that is where his Board nickname came from.

But that was nothing compared to the fact that he had to pay 5 times the normal price to install the rego numbers that satisfied his high level dyslexia.

Then his circuit calls also deteriorated when he called " G'day Ellivsnwot, this is Egdam and I am pu hgih in gniwthgil 8734-42."

"On srekcuw Egdam, etaam" replied the pilot of the TPR XER Baas that was also on approach to ..............

MADGE'S NUMBERS.

........decided to club together and hire a.................

............. stone cold killer, a person with a heart of stone, lungs of a plastic-like substance, kidneys of soft gooey stuff, a leg like a tree-trunk, the hands of a serial killer, the stare of the Medusa and the ..............

........ Jabiru owner.

"Man, was he ever upset" said Judge Francisco *************, AO, SC, VD & Scar, who shall remain nameless unless he pays up on time. "Those beer-can flyers really do get the irits when the air cooled plastic fantastic are ascribed." he added.

Tink and Brine wanted in on this action as Judges, Moderators and Website Owners always have a quid and something to hide, so they .............

......... "Surely, your Honour, nobody could take umbrage at a bloke donging Ahlow with a Chocky Mousse?"

"Spot on, so not guilty, Ratty" said the Judge "Dong him all you like, after all ......... he banned me from WreckFlying recently for ...........

......... "Kama, Kama, Kama, Kama, Kama, Kama Comedian" .......... and other numerous Boy George classics, from his position (NTTIAWWT) as the president of the Culture Club Fan Club ..... before ............

AHLOX'S RENDITION OF BOY STEVE AT THE BLUE OYSTER LAST WEEKEND.

...... developing a "Human Factors" textbook for the Japanese airforce.

"G'day Goosefluff" said a young & pubescent Turbine III, who his mates knew as "Bumfluff". "How's the book going?"

"Howdee Doodee, BF. I have lots of material" replied GF "As the first 5 chapters will address the well known syndrome of "Bomb Pearl Harbour Itis" followed by a more simple chapter entitled "Always make sure you have enough fuel for the return tlip". I'll subtitle that chapter "Kama Khazi" which is Hawaiiin-Japanese slang for "Always have enough fuel to make it back to the Dunny", but who knows what the Japanese airforce will make of that subtitle."

Turbine III replied "Well my great grandfather, Turbine 0.5, always used to say ..................

.....it was found that Madge had been jogging au naturel. This was no surprise the Harriet who had constantly complained of his behaviour, and was also.......

......... prone to drop her kit at the slightest provocation (Harriet that is ..... as it is a given that Madge will be eau naturel at every possible opportunity ..... even in the Heliview with those large clear perspex panels at low level (erky perky)).

"Someone should tell Madge that a middle aged board member in the razz is a bit of a shock to young viewers when jogging between Bone and Townsville. Do they always hang that low once gravity takes effect on blokes?" commented The Riverina Lass who had never before seen pendular motion so vividly exhibited nor so many small wrinkles nor such a single large wrinkle.

Madge thought about this and .........

......run, except......

......... when Major General Abraham Roots Eaton-Lysholm Supercharger, since promoted to be a full 4 Star, surrounded Bull Run.

"Where is Bull Run?" asked Lord Byron using his Ipad from a coffee shop in Dandynong Rd.

"It's a run that bull does around the outskirts of Bone each morning and arvo" explained Madge "And I see him quite often as a jog over there from Townsville to keep my body and mind in 100% tip top tune."

"Below is a picky of me and my mates going for a jog while the gentry of Bone promenade with an overall feeling of f'n Q wellness and gratitude for being born in such a blessed state." explained bull "But shortly after this it hit the fan when ........

......show her beautiful blue eyes."How come Eeeeen was given a girl's name" asked Andy, who was a bit slow at times.

 

"We were never quite sure" said Ratso who had been told by his father, Captain Jack Rat never to tell......

........ and kiss, or to kiss and tell, or to rub and ...............

......... using two giant cumquats (NTTIAWWT) to ............