Captain

...... "But how can anyone take an NES post serious when authored by a WA bloke (or bloke-ette) in an emu onesie."

"I have always loved my emu onesie" said onesie "And I'm so proud of being a noble emu that below is a pic of me taken tonight."

"Crikey" said Ratty (but erky perky, why are those legs so far apart) and he .....

....... won't have a bad word said about that stud who is well named as Turbo, as back in our day he would have been known as a Steam Engine by all the girls at the CWA .... and he really knows how to please a 95 year old, because he just loves younger women.

Onezie, in the meantime thought that the NES was getting a little too risque and .....

..... he volunteered that "No ASIC card in my wallet today, the dog must have eaten it, but I do have an ASSH#LE card, don't we all and this one is sub-endorsed "Ultralite Division".

This rang a bell with your dynamic Skipper as back around NES post #2500, Turdboy had been given an identical description by Mavis of the CWA.

"Hey Tink-abell" he called "Are you a .........

..... his empennage still ached from the passage of that clock tower. "And now you are being a pain in the empennage too, just like Turdy & .....

...moment Turbo walked up with a couple of McDonalds vouchers and two free passes to the next Southland fashion show, and whisked the Captain away.

 

"I'm just stumbling from one disaster to the next these days" he wailed, and Turbo wondered whether it was early onset of....

 

...... TOS ...... Turbo Overload Syndrome .... and everyone on Rec Flying knows that  Turdy is, indeed, a TOSser.

However, as everyone also knows, 2 Maccas vouchers and the Skipper is anyone's, and that was the start of the great ......

....got a bag of......., but an FOI just happened to be......

 

….. listening in as he had obtained a court order to investigate onetrick's denigration of the fine professionals at CASA and he snapped to attention & blurted out the usual CASA mantra like the National Anthem before the Grand Final "We have never victimised any LAME and we are here to assist all pilots."

"Just a mo there" said the Kapooka Kitch "Are you a Flying Operations Inspector or a Fakultet Organizacije Informatike-Varazdin?" thinking of the connection that Turdy and HiHo had with the old Iron Curtain and the highjinx that they both got up to over there back in the good old days before they bought their Czech walking frames.

"Ich bin ein Fachoberinspektor" said the CASA dude "Und ich bin bloody proud of it, now stand against that wall while we tattoo a CASA logo onto your sack of nuts and .........

...gets involved in.

 

The CASA Operative (CO=avref term) thought about it all day and then did what all Cos did when they had to make a decision; he went home and told his mother.

 

Now not many people know that terms like "brown bagging" and inference of money in a bag for favours originated in the 1920s when CWA members would but a penny in their little child's lunch bag so he could buy at treat of a Liquorice Square at the school tuck shop. It was as innocent as that, and when sundry gangsters such as Squizzy Taylor, Loxette Snr, and Captain Midnight started using the terms the CWA ladies were outraged; and the CO's mother was a paiud up membere of the CWA. She.......

 

…… spat the dummy and pulled (Turbo term) out the CWA Book of Swear Words ………….. but 1st she had a cup of tea, a Bex (with a use-by-date of 1927) and let fly with a spray of CWA approved blasphemes "You jolly …………………….

...... cleaned a kilo of lint out of his navel and a CASA investigator was at his door.

"This isn't the Lint Cafe matter, or an out of date map" said Tink, "It's just a normal navel clean & gaze that .....

....speck (avref) in the distance.

 

The speck expanded into a pair of wings and a......

 

……. huge nutsack with a …..

a bikini factory, and introduce slightly skimpier models every two months. He'd get there eventually, he thought, but then...............

 

………. how skimpy can you go if you are hung like Pharlap.

And speaking about horses, smiled the onetrick-pony with a glint in his eye and a lump in his sump. "I have an idea for you" onetrick texted to the adorable Captain and here is a photo for you.

The photo was a revelation and a bit of a turn-on, which encouraged Cappy to place an order in Sheng-Juan and had 2000 Chinese workers wetting themselves as the new production order came thru. (Note - There is an option to have pips added on the shoulders for any flyboys who want one, so text Cappy now so you don't miss out.)

"Hey" said Turdy "Is that onetrick or HidyHody? And what is that tiny …………...

And this is the European Union version

....a South Queensland Humping Crane, one of the rarest birds in the world, which relies on a sparse vegetation for its take off runs, and is easily.....

 

…… distracted by the sight of a "nut-sack", as indeed is the highly religious Captain, who was shocked & upset at such a term being used in the, before this & pre-onetrick, highly respected NES, which our fearless leader EEEN was looking at publishing to make his 2nd fortune.

Turdy took out his new Nokia flip phone, waited for his party-line to finish their call, and called the Skipper "G'day your honour" he said with reverence "This onetrick bloke is becoming a bit of an issue eh?".

"Cut him some slack" was the Captains sympathetic reply as the Skipper was also a Defence Attorney and a Senior Barista at the Supreme Court's coffee shop "The poor bugger is from South Timor/Western South Australia where "nut-sack" is a term of endearment."

Turdy, ever decisive, thought about that for 20 minutes, gave them a scratch and replied …………... 

For the kiddies who read the NES, here is a pic of Turdboy's new flip-phone. (Note the aerial which he sometimes uses to clean his ears).

.....but a size ten hand closed around hi throat. "You weren't picking on Turbo were you" said John very carefully. Realising Captain had nicely set him up, Onetrack, by now almost Twotracks, squawked; "You've made a mistake,............."

 

…. as I am a card carrying member of the CFMELMBTQ community, see my rainbow hanky, my apricot/puce coloured Eureka Flag and my membership of the Moorabin Rissole.

Here Turgid smiled and thought about the fact that his best mate Cappy, had miss-located oneortwotrick in Victoria when he actually lives in Southern Indonesia just outside of Perth. But just at that time Tink's happy side kicked in and he started singing "You can stay at the YMC ……………..

A somewhat candid picture of Turgid in tight and revealing stubbies while being the Y in YMCA.

[introduction: Turbo has helpfully provided the end point of the story because the Captain, like a cow with the squirts was unable to stop himself as he thought up more fact-less dribble about an alleged red scooter]

 

...Santo Sortini. He remembered Nicola findly from those days of difficulty. "She gave everything" (legal reference) he said, "The police had said they smelled drugs, but I was eventually able to prove it was only the odour from the cat farm, which I admit did get a bit on the nose on a hot day." 

 

Still reeling from Captain's attempt to finger him, he went back to his Union mates, and had them declare the Captain, who by now was producing regular concrete building structures, large-scale concrete formwork. This triggered regular Worksafe audits of him, a requirement to wear a fluoro vest (instead of his natural tweed sports coat), and to have scaffolding erected around him at all times, including ........

 

……… support that Turjid (still well known as Santo in Sicily and Lygon St, but never known to be a good Sort-ini ina Leetle Eeetaly) had from his long term mate Johannes Setback, who released a media statement which read in part "Turdy is a f'n great f'n bloke and if yez f'n don't f'n drop this f'n case I'll f'n ……………" and then he started to swear and even blaspheme in a manner that cannot be reported here.

"You can tell that this Johannes chap is one of Turdy's mates" said a rather delicate & shocked onetrick "And I, for one, don't ……….

Dear Reader.

Just in case you think Turbid was, or is, a flash Flyboy meth distributor and you are thinking of making a takeover offer from your lifer cell inside Pentridge, below is a pic of Tink's V115, which he had imported from Malaysia with the bodywork full of precursor liquid.

But the precursor wasn't the reason that Turbid cursed so much, it was because he became a Suzuki owner too, in a red colour that faded in weeks to nipple pink due to the bright Moorabin tropical sunshine, and the 115 cc's of Suzuki power meant that Tink had trouble keeping the front wheel on the ground (aviation term).

"Brrrrrrrrrm, Brrrrrrrrrm" Turbid used to say as he rode the bike around making his deliveries, so as to make it sound like the engine had power.

"He looks just like Ru Paul when he rides that thing" Benji used to say to Karl "Its embarrassing and giving our gangland caper a bad name (which is what he does now to the NES)."

....he felt the need to release another concrete sail, so he bent over and.....................

 

…….. out popped a 1:18 scale model of the art-deco clocktower (some say "shaft" (CASA aviation term) of Turbo's much loved Moorabin Town Hall. "The sharp edges around that clock are a pain" commented Capy as he re-applied the cream.

"Wow" commented onetrick "I didn't realise that Moorabin had such cultural icons."

"I agree" said HiHo "As I thought all Moorabin had was Tink and one of Karl Williams' Meth Labs …... where, by the way, I have always suspected that Turbo was the Cook ….. then distributed the product throughout OZ in his V115".

Turbid (who has been in witness protection since he rolled over [aviation term]) did a double take as he had been worried for months that his name would come up in the Royal Commission into the way that the Vic Police "managed" (wink wink term) Nicola Gobbo, because Turbo knew Nicola well from the time that she defended him successfully back when he was a gangland kingpin known by his Mediterranean name of ………..

The Moorabin clocktower and the clock that made the Skipper's eyes water, even at 1:18 scale.

...came a strange noise and as .....

 

…… everyone knows, from the crappy Cappy's NES compositions, that he is anally creative.

This was further proven when, after a series tins of the onetrick's concrete pills the Cappy rolled (aviation term) onto one cheek and out popped a 1:18 scale version of the western sail of the (Sydney) Opera House. "Sydney" has been included in brackets because no other state has any decent Maison de 'Opera ……. and the strange noise referred to in Tink's above post was the tearing of Cappy's ……………...

The below photo shows the results after your beloved Captain had rolled onto alternate (another aviation term) cheeks 9 times (plus one other failed effort that will not be discussed here), which brought a few tears to the Cappy's other cheeks, but which had been cleaned up before the below picture was taken, let alone that the sails had been given a tub too.

SPECIAL NOTICE, NOT FOR CONSUMPTION BY NORMAL PEOPLE - To all Pull(aviation term)-itzer aspirant NES writers, your beloved Captain apologises (CASA term) that he jumped (procreation term) a couple of posts with his last. The Capy is a bit of a dill (public service term) at times and didn't see (nor been seen) Tinks version of War & Piss in his post # 10477, nor onetrick's offensive post # 10476.

Previous RAA President who needs it [showing how generous Turbo is], which doesn’t happen very often, but....

 

…… that just demonstrates the solidity and camaraderie of the LMBTQISF & IFR communities, something about which Turbo is justifiably very proud. (however, as everyone knows, anyone with an instrument rating is a bit suss).

Turbo smiled, checked that his instrument rating was still in his licence, drew himself up to his full 5' 4", zipped up his jump suit (the clasp of which had previously been hovering (aviation term) provocatively low (another aviation term) down near the Mincer's mince and he said ……... 

..... 

 

"But, Sir", piped up the junior officer again, "We have civilian contractors looking after our perimeter security now, remember? We don't have to do picqueting any more! So why are you roaring at us?"

 

"Hmmm, I guess you're right," mused the CO. "Damn this new 21st Century order, with civilians and girls invading our ranks! It's enough to make a man turn to drink!!"

 

Just then, there was a knock on the door .....

 

…… and the CO noticed that the Moorabin Mincer was approaching from the direction of both the Male and Female dunnies.

"You can't do that in today's airforce, MM, unless you identify as a hermaphrodite" said the CO with a hint of disdain.

"I identify as a Herb-Afro-Wearer" said the Mincer as he reached down into his David Jones shopping bag to show the CO and the Onetrick his new pink & puce flying suit with diamante pips similar to that worn by a previous RAA President "It also has a quick action slippery zipper for those unanticipated situations where I meet a …… 

[special Note to NES readers: You'll notice on this thread that not only do you get more aviation references than on other threads, but the rate of unfolding scandals is greater than any of the TV reality shows. We've only just finished hearing about the Captain's ancestor Captain Cook (where ASIO prevented Turbo frpom exposing the horrendous deeds under threat of incarceration), but now we find the family were just common bushrangers!]

 

[Further Special Note to NES readers: Your beloved Captain cautiously accepts all of those accusations with his usual jaunty shake of the head, but cautions readers of the perils of automatically accepting the above quotation without doing your own Due Diligence, as he points out, with appropriate respect, that the Moorabin Mangler has been identified as one of the leaders of one of the non-existent Victorian Sudanese Gangs where his V115, C210 and PA28 had all been obtained in snatch (apologies to sensitive readers) and grab raids at Tooradin.]

Captain fingered (apologies again) the 54 bore and invited the Mangler to revolve (more apologies to sensitive NES'ers) on the revolver before tucking his ……….

....posthumous......

 

……. posterior …….

 

" and now the whole world will.......

 

…. see the results of TinkyWink's years of sniffing Jet A.

"Watch while I deftly fill these brown paper bags, then light them" Tink said proudly.

"Oh" called the HydyHodySlanderer "Be careful, as I lit one of mine years ago and since then I have had no hair on my ………...

And the cultulal misapplopliation debate laged on, with the NES modelators finery making a decision on favour of fleedom of the pless, citing a recent crip from South Park (more highbrow & relevant than the ABC, the SMH and CNN/MSNBC all combined) as their benchmark for how these issues will & must be handled in future ……………..

Fleedom of Explession is vitary important in the NEStoly said one of the top modelators.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WW4ZGO_Hi_8 

.....or he was about to say when overcome by a burst of stage fright at the Rat's scathing criticism of the States of Queensland and Western Australia; HiHo was struggling with how he should behave in this  Millenial World. "How far can I go?" he thought "What is too much?" He hesitated to tell the story of how onetrack had got his name. Not many people know this, readers, so please don't spread it around, but he was a track sniffer. There it is, out in the open. You'd see him around Cat D7s sniffing a track, but always the left one, and that's where the name came from. It was a dangerous habit becaise he'd progressed from Cats parked overnight to operating Cats. It didn't matter iof they were winching logs or dozing dams, he'd be right there behind the track, and there were many occasions where he jumped out of the way just.........

 

…… to have the RSPCA step in with written charges. "You can't sniff that type of cat" they said "A D7 if fine or even a D9, but not a FeeLine."

"I thought that cat just had one eye" responded onetrick "Then I realised that it was walking away and the sniff was an accident. Well the 1st sniff was anyway".

HiHo was apoplectic at this result, scratched his …………...

PS .. HiHo can go as far as his tanks will take him less the statutory reserve. I thought he would have known that and not needed to ask on a public forum that is monitored by CASA, ASSer, CESSer and the NTSB. "HiHo's licence has to be in jeopardy now if he doesn't know that" said Tink to Taka "He's looted" lesponded Taka.

....said: "Who this Claptain, this fat lat"?   Turbo quietly explained for an hour or so the foibles of the falsely commissioned fantasy infused dude with the pips. "He used to be a comedian", said Turbo, "but........."

 

……. but now the Lat with the pips gives everyone else the pip."

"Pip, pip" said onetrack, who is a covert member of the pommy aristocracy and works occasionally for MI6, lives in WA and therefore is almost ready to celebrate the end of WW2, but Turbo jumped to onetrack's defence as a spokesman on behalf of the Socialist Republic of Victoria. "I always knew that Qld was a place where you go back 1 hour and 50 years as you step off the plane each summer, but I think it's a bit rich to consider WA along similar lines, where once you land & tie down at Jandacot, you plunge back 3 hours and 75 years (although Tubb always liked to listen to the Andrews Sisters impersonators at the Freo pub/house of ill repute that he always frequents. I've been to WA before and surely you mean WW1?"

onetrack rebounded immediately with a reference to Daniel Starlin and the need for each SRoV residence to now compulsorily stock 10 kgs of candles, stacked below their subsidised Chinese-cheap roof solar panels.

HiHo couldn't resist a coarse and cutting crack at Tink and the onetrick pony, so he said ……….