Captain
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Everything posted by Captain
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Or where Crappy is at the moment, we refer to it as “glace noire”, which sounds so much nicer and unconfrontational. Mind you, you can call someone a "deadset XXXX" in French and it sounds deadset angelic.
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... thought about it for a second then looked at the below factual and peer reviewed photo, so he .....
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... were all bored lesb1an5 and were copying the Minisatans and protesting about ICE. "geez lousie" said bull using his bull-horn (but without the punctilliation marks) "don't be a bunch of wankettes, as it is no use protesting ice down here in vicmanistan or taztarctica, as ice is just a fact of life for 9 months of the year .... and dare i mention the scourge of all bike riders, being "black ice", for fear of being labelled a racist about frozen adam's ale or agua." The protesters looked bull up & down, then Moses, and finally at Crappy, and a few of them considered the possibility of jumping back over the fence, but then thought better of it and .......
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..... he was not certain that being Moses Henriques like, is high enough up the divinity totem pole. "Geez" he said "Being just pure, old, honest & innocent Turbo is higher up, pole-wise, than someone who just plays for NSW and the Sydney Sixers." "In fact' he added "Now that I can catch bullets with my teeth, instead of my freckle, by using my inate divinity skills, I might duck up to DG with BULLET and the C^*T for a bit of bunny busting and whilst there I shall verily ducketh (note his natural divinity type talk) into the local from whence cometh the ......
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... east and praying to whatever God he happened to be favoring at the time. Crappy finds it interesting that because his great mate is the nearest living thing that he knows to divinity, that Turbo seems to float between being Dali Lama-like, to ....... Turbo's favourite T-Shirt. Tubb has bought a full set of these, in case he gets the callup to be the next DL.
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.....tally to unsafe sh1tty aircraft that eventually CWT'd, with pilots & aircraft never to be seen again, or whether the TI pilots just headed straight over to the strip at Sims Metals in order to maximize their return, before buggering off to hide out in some WA sand agglomeration mining operation, nobody knew, but then .....
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.... 4 or 5 people near the downpipe on the shelter shed actually did a spoonful, while some others would have certainly filled a scruple measuring cup, and those people needed a cleanup with a fire hose, not just a change of under garment. It is little known that after Turbs completed his driving duties across all Aussie speedway venues, including kicking Al Unser's a$s, he wanted to stay involved in the Speedway scene to continue to show his support for the sport ................... but more-so to try for an eventual AO for Services to Speedway in case he missed out on the AO for Services to the Trucking Industry. So, Turbo became a mechanic specialising in Speedway bikes and that locked on throttle in the video was one of his earliest attempts to influence a race because he felt that the rider wasn't trying hard enough. As Turbo has so often said in press interviews "If the throttle stays full on for longest, you simply MUST win the race". It is, however, just possible that the rider (and the crowd) might have disagreed, but in true Turbine family tradition, Turbo said ".....
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.... whatever is needed to make it look bigger. Turbo has been full waxing for many years in the hope of achieving that result, but now realised that a comprehensive Back, Crack and Sack wax, + a quick snip to be Inscribed might do the trick, and make him look more desirable on the Turbine Media's Senior's version of Tinder, called Re-Kindle, so he ......
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..... what is that in feet, Tubb, as I have never come to grips with this confusing metric stuff. Being of the "right age", and being in Juvenile Detention on the 14th of February 1966, I have always been happier measuring length in Barleycorns or Lines, and evaluating area in Oxgangs. As my best mate Turbo knows from visiting Crappy's Farm at YKKA 6 or 8 times each year, the speed limit on the expressway is 12,992,133 Barleycorns per hour, we are located 54,330,738 Barleycorns north of Moorabbin, our driveway is 283,465 Lines long, where Tubb & I shoot a heap of foxes on our 23 Oxgangs of prime rural land. I also use the Firkin as my prime unit to measure volume, and that is also very popular in WA where it is often stated that there is "a furkin lot of sand". This all comes back to the equally quaint fact that, even though Turdy and bull don't have any, the fuel capacity of a Drifter is exactly 38,400 apothecarial fluid Scruples, so when you refuel one you need to .....
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..... perform in Normanton before the huge crowds at "Mud World", where the .....
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..... razor sharp consciousness that the Gin Gin Light was real (Cappy had always been told that these lights were the result of methane escaping from Rod Marsh, which he then lit as a party trick). As Cappy examined the light, he realised that it was a quite good looking middle-aged aboriginal lady with the sun at her 6, shimmering through her wispy cotton dress, and carrying a glinting bottle of Tanqueray that had already been polished off via a chug-a-lug, then filled again with a chaser of Creme de Menthe. As a result, the aboriginal lady was also looking a bit green, around the gills, but she bravely continued to teach the school kids and to .....
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.... was a frightening experience for the "Gin" peoples, (some would say "tribe", but they are more than that) who dominated Bombay culture at that time, with their early Cargo Cult practices, their worship of the multi armed Turbine deity (one of the girls at his school had accused him of being "All hands"), their red transverse spring sportscars made from papier mache and their poorly built full sized Thrusters that were actually better constructed than the original. That, and more Gin than you can shake a swagger stick at, is a fatal yet fun mix that meant that .....
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... his fingernails went blue, so it was either the extreme altitude or his nail polish must have been old stock, and his Up/Down meter thingy went ....
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.... also had 2 Aussie roundels displayed below his cock-pit, so that .....
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..... then fell over from the levity, after which they stood then turned to moon Cappy. All Cappy saw was 12 bullseyes similar to Turbo's, except that these were in better nick, so he raised the three-oh, set the sights for "perineum" and started to plug them from left to right, with a clip change after # 10 had been torn a new one. Luckily Blu Tak, or Bluey to his mates, was #12 and Cappy recognized him, mid moon, from the size of his ......
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..... what he thought could be a foreboding, and while he could be unpredictable at times, as confirmed by Turbo recently, he was also careful in the extreme when his best mate had gone Ni-Nis and Cappy had a duty, even above the usual obligations of mateship, to protect Tink, so Cappy walked, Kukri in hand, bravely but carefully towards the eerie green glow and he ......
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.... who had been "goosed" a number of times in the past, was therefore very wary, and he ......
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..... made them whinge a bit too, so poor old Cappy had complaints & whining in stereo, so that encouraged him to ......
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.... the Crappy/Turdbine friendship was consummated, when several Natives decided to initiate a sneak attack because they knew that Tubb couldn't handle his Gin, and Crappy would be "unpredictable" as Turbo so correctly said above. So picture the scene, Dear Readers. Turbo was in the middle of a sad funk thinking of some previous lady that had let him get somewhere near it, Gin soaked, sweaty in the Khyber heat, and still whinging about the healing bullet hole next to his. Crappy was alert as usual, even while listening to Tubb's 23rd pathetically sad story about the same lady, yet he had the Kukri and his Three-Oh + 20 clips of ball ammo at the ready, as the Native band approached and .....
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.... his lucky rabbit's foot (which is still attached to the rabbit so that it can be lucky too), his personal coconut oil, and most importantly of all, his Jabaroota (Jabiru, & not The Hutt) keyring containing his best .... Few people know how close Tubb's comments are to the bone, as when growing up, at about 14 yo and 2 ft shorter than he is now, Crappy spent time in a Gurkha Regiment (Tubb's misspelling is a dire insult) in order to increase his efficiency with the use of the Kukri, a skill in which Crappy is very proficient and as a result he kills silently & makes mean sushi. Crappy's personal kukri is seen below
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.... Swagger Stick, which Dian uses to belt the gorillas that play up a bit. The irony of the mention of a Swagger Stick is important, as Turbo had one up the Khyber, and his had a 50 cal projectile on the top and a 50 cal expended case on the other end, so a thick bit of wood with metal weights on each end, with which to flog the troops. As an insider joke that brought much merriment to the entire battalion, and giggles from the natives on the other side, the Doctors presented Turbs with a chopstick-based Swagger Stick, fitted with the warped & slightly mushroomed three-oh projectile that was extracted from his ding, with a .22 LR case on the other end. Turbo has always had a great sense of humour and camaraderie, so he immediately donated that to the Battalion Museum where it can be seen today, including with the bits of Turbo that are still attached to the projectile, and the other ......
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.... difficult situations of breakages, until Achmal Selley, from the Sellulite culture, invented a new range of products to stick the Sphinx back together, and one of Dian Fossey's mates came up with Gorilla Grip to stick the end back on Dian's .....
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Which was a bit of a shame for Neb III, because he never had the chance to be conceived.
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Below, Dear Readers, is one of my most precious possessions, having been given to me by Turbo when we were both about 13. It contains the nursery-rhyme "Mary Had a Little Goat" in his own cuneiform hand/wedge writing, plus a filthy ditty from an old story from one of Turbo's towelhead ancestors, about a dirty weekend away in Babylon. As you can see, they really knew how to play up in those days ..... and where the myth about 72 virgins got started.
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it is also little known, Dear Readers, that it was a direct anticedent of Turbo's who was the 1st Hunter-Gatherer to ever grow wheat, hence the origin of Turbine-Tip Top, which in the Mesopotamian lingo means Toasty White Bread. Turbo also got into strife at school for writing on clay with little wedges and for telling rude jokes in Aramaic.
