Captain
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Everything posted by Captain
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... because Crappy had dyed his hair blonde, wore a cheap hat from the Launceston MACKAS (free with every large Big Mack Meal), which Cappy reckoned was specially made and claimed that it represents the Spanish abbreviation for "Make Colombia as Kosher As Sh!t" and he (Crappy) had paid a non-refundable deposit for Greenland, before he was about to invade Jamaica, Panama, Cuba and Canada just for fun. As a result, Crappy has been invited to speak at the WEF straight after Don, who is now seen as Crappy's warm-up act, and he will .......
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.... this presented an enforcement issue for President of Colombia (POC) Crappy, as he had already started a somewhat similar scheme of reintroducing the "Cain" back into the Coke -a-Cola worldwide and also into Pepsi and into Dr Jurd's Jungle Juice, from that pub west of Newcastle. "Hey" said Cappy the POC (Crappy admits that he has also been called a POC many times in the past), who had been seduced by the highs of the drug trade, as evidenced by him saying "Coke laced chips washed down with coke laced coke makes for a pretty good business model, plus a .....
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Crappy has received hundreds of requests from inquisitive NES readers to identify Turbo's friends in the above snap, which was taken by yours truly with my Box Bownie. From Left to right we have Ita Buttrose, Turbo (the great man himself), a young Rose Hancock, Joe Bjelke-Petersen and Princess Di (she was with me but in retrospect I should have hit on Rose).
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..... pretense of happiness, because nobody had really laughed in Venezuela since Nicky and Cilia had taken over. And Bull, the people's magnificent, proud, and handsome El Toro, really cut-the-mustard with the Venezuelan chicks, and while some branded him as El Liberatateror, while others like OT used the somewhat cruel term Dicktater, the "tater" reference was clear & repetitive, but it was not like some thought, because the shape of Bull's head was like a passed the use-by date unpeeled Yukon Gold with 20 or so lenticels scarring the surface. However, as Bull has demonstrated within the NES, he is a fair-minded and .....
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Dear NESers and our thousands of readers. Please make allowance if Turbo is not on the air so much this weekend as Turbine Corporation is presently dealing with the flak from raids on Turbine Learing Centers Minnesota Inc, and their need for more prefilled invoices and photos of miscellaneous kiddies during the learing process. Got any pics of cute little nippers? Please send to Turbo via the NES. It says something about Turbo's age that his 1st reaction was to get ready for the latest Board Meeting in black-face as a Minnesota Minstrel. Turbo and the rest of the Turbine Corp board about to go into session. Note that they are 60% female so that quota is met, and they are confident that no further criticism can occur. "Nugget" Turbine is 2nd from left.
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.... that he, BULL, was the boss of South America (and once SA has been subdued BULL expected to take charge of the Faulklands, Drakes Passage, Antarctica and its northern island Tastarctica), because with BULL's best mates being Turdy/CIA 3489Delta, Crappy/MOSSAD Kill-Team 6 and Onesie/ .......
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..... needs further consideration, because both the Portuguese language on the eastern side of South America, and the Spanish language on the western side, demand lower case for any new el liberatateror (experienced & astute NESers and Lurkers will immediately recognise the essential historic reference in that name to "taters", which were 1st discovered in Brazil and which are really nice when mashed or baked). So Turbo as usual, unlike Albo, has shown his excellent reading of the room, and thereby exposed the ancient juxtaposition of the Capital letter and the lower case structures of Sth American society, but in that area precedence in social structures is more often established by the capital letters and numbers associated with the AK & the 47, being what bull/Bull has always called the .......
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..... took on the role of being the Simon Bolivar of the 21st century. "after all, both our names start with b" commented bull "and I have a great vision (a gv) where I shall re-amalgamate venezuela, colombia, panama, costa rica (where cappy will be my prefect to get his gold project up and running), ecuador, bolivia, peru and brazil (where turdy will licence the hair trim for application around the world, and he shall be my off-sider there because he looks so much like the dude that runs the show in brazil now, see photo below)." Then bull/simon continued "i shall be known as el libertador (which is also a spanish bomber famous for winning WW2 [avref]). After putting a deal together with javier milei, who was already a mate of bulls from the prawn trade, el libertador went ...... Turdy is the spit of Alexandre de Moraes, so is a lay‑down misère for the Brazil gig. In fact, I don't know which of them it is in this photo, as Turdy has a frilly poncey little collar too.
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... our beloved bull, with an innocent smirk on his face. It is little known that bull had been accused, during his high-school experimentation years, of being "All Hands" ...... but as he so often says "I got, and still do get, a lot of knockbacks, but the percentages of successes are still worth the effort". With his BBH system, bull was able to reach out and "say a physical hello to ladies", as bull describes it, within a 10 m radius and once Elon heard of this feature, he invited bull to be a partner in his Robot Development Program (Elon renamed it the "robot development program" (rdp) in honor of bull and also dropped the caps off x and spacex too). So our mate bull, thru his development of the bbh system, was at the top of the world's technical tree, with both florida and texas also renaming as a tribute to him, and don has made bull candidate #1 for the presidency of venezuela (similarly renamed), so el toro is now learning spanish and how to say "do ya?" in portugese, before he .......
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.... the luxury of actually eating the prawns that he had caught & was marketing at huge margins. But soon a section of the population from Qld said "But how can we also use our BBH's to open our pop-tops of XXXX or VB, .... with which we build our Modern Middens (MM's)?" bull, ever the one to think his inventions through in advance, replied "........
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Where Kate was heard to utter the term "WTF?" To which Bill replied "FAFO" and the room went silent. "Wowee. Bill must have taken a job up in the Pilbara" postulated Alastair.
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.... via his PhD in Griffon Archaeology was fortunately able to identify this particular bronze griffon as one that had been stolen from the 3rd dynasty tomb of TutanTurbine, by the renowned archaeologist Light-Fingers Wilson, and had been transported into Vicmanistan as payment of a debt. That meant that ......
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Then she added, in an even more alluring tone "Teach me all I need to know about "Strategy".
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It is little known that Turbo and the rest of the King's Counsels have always retained a child-like innocence and when Turbo saw the turkey leg hit Alastair's missus in the gusset, he yelled "Food Fight" and lobbed a plate of mashed potato at Joey. The tables erupted and never before had everyone had so much fun at The Australian Club, particularly when the reception was for Prince of Wales and his bit of Fluff. But Bill and Kate joined straight in and targeted Turbo, the most well-known, most highly qualified, & well-heeled, of all of the attendees, with a well-executed crossfire of pavlova. Then, while nobody was watching, Kate sauntered up to Turbo in a highly provocative & sultry manner, and said, in a stuck-up pommy accent "I'll show you my scar if you'll show me yours".
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.... brief (Lawyer-insider-joke). "Actually, not only did it hit me in the brief (continuation-of insider-lawyer-joke)" responded Mrs AWT "The turkey leg hit me right in the gusset, making that the 1st time that I have ever .......
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.... take up his plum job as the main spokesman for Jazzi at the next election, which we all know is completely controlled in Vicmanistan by the law firms of Turbine, Putin & Maduro Ltd, and their main competition of Turbine, Qi & sons. This battle of the legal titans is sure to be ......
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Is this a subtle sign that that homme, Michael Vos, will be coaching again in Melbournistan for Turbine AFL Pty Ltd this year?
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BEST WISHES FOR 2026 FROM CRAPPY TO OUR THOUSANDS OF NES READERS ..... AND PARTICULARLY TO EEEEAN, WON-TRACK, bull, AND THE TURGID- PLONKER. IT HAS BEEN FUN AND LET'S HOPE THAT WE ALL SURVIVE THE NEXT 12 MONTHS. JUST 48 MORE PAGES AND WE'LL PASS 1000, SO NO-WUCKERS.
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Onesie, AKA "The WA Ling Ling", has his latest best quality, special price, you like my seester, E-Excavator in operation throughout WA, he sold thousands of the buggers and is now almost constantly falling off his wallet. https://www.facebook.com/share/v/17iTPRi5Fb/
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..... Quarters being played by a lone AI based robot bugler, who was better than a normal bugler and never got that high-note bit wrong that human buglers always do. Now, it is little known that WA is "all-in" on the green revolution and that is because most WA citizens have only ever seen that range of dull and crappy ochre colors, so green was THE new thing. So in line with the Corvette E-rays, the Rainbow E-Serpent had taken over as the lead robot/automaton based mythical animal, all the Choppers were E-Helicopters (and were starting to dot the landscape as they ran out of electrons and there was no charging station nearby), and one of WA's leading entrepreneurs had formed Onesie's E-Con-glomerate (which is more Con than Glom ..... he would have called it X, but that was taken), comprising E-Dozers (the D11-100%E is a cracker), E-Thrusters, E-Boomerangs, E-Witchety-Grubs and E-Water. The only issue is that WA has bugger-all power generation, but the ever-optimistic Onesie just saw that barrier as an opportunity and started the E-Electricity Company with which he would make the eastern states Green with E-Envy, and he would .....
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.... the smell of the prawn oil was the least of their worries, after the itch kicked in, and a 5 mile root march was planned over to ...
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... wad from a belt driven shotgun. The RSM, who was responsible for the adjudication of the war games, insisted that a bit of pongy prawn juice would not a surrender make, so forced the crew back inside while regaling them with stories from up the Khyber, where prawn oil was used by the troops to put behind their ears when they went into town, and they .....
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.... looked at its squiggly bits and thought that it was an Abrams, so decided to attack a Centurion during an Aussie Army exercise in the back-blocks of WA (Back-Blocks is actually a suburb of Perth because the entire joint fits into the east-coast description of "In-the-Sticks"), so the Thruster just casually wandered over from Jan-in-the-cot (Jan was a famous Perth hooker who specialised in aviation types, hence her name on the airport) and decided to come out of the sun at high speed (45 knots) to strafe the Centurian with a spud-gun and a .....
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.... dinner, which hadn't been cooked by either of them, however a brave and much decorated ex Bavarian junior officer named Eines Track did the culinary work. It is little known that Eines rose to prominence as an even braver soldier and inventor during WW 1 and those squiggly things on the lower sides of tanks were named after him. Eines survived the war, then was given the boot by Adolph & emigrated to WA, which he actually thought was Argentina without the Portuguese lingo, and he settled in harmoniously with the ......
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.... then Cappy's caring and sharing nature kicked in as he splashed on a litre of iodine, applied the red hot blade of his bayonet to quarterise it, followed by a pink kiddies bandaid over a folded used tissue. And all of this, dear readers, occurred within 50 mm of Turbo's dangling ......
