Captain

I'll have 10 cartons!

 

................. and up went the hands, not least of which was ..............

"..........have another incident where your aircraft lands on top of the Ugandan President and destroys the grandstand."

 

"Besides, you may have ntoiced that the grousers are cleatless, and I've calculated that provided we stay above 42 knots, we will be able to land on water, and we need the extra strength to cut through waves"

 

"What happens when you stop?" asked the Captain

 

Turbo responded "Well.........well..........."

 

......... but was interrupted by TP&DI's Director of Marketing, Elongate Musk-stick who said "Shut up Tinker as we have to manage this carefully because we have some exposure to litigation after I chucked that ball at the aircraft's window and it broke."

"XXXX" responded T-bell as he could see the potential for his fortune to bugger off (for the 1st time since 1936, the Tinker had more cash than was owed on his Aussie Express Card) and he knew that he still had to pay Elongate for his marketing consulting. It was a rather sad state of affairs but not unusual for Tink, so he just thought for a while, and that's when he had the idea to manufacture Musk flavoured Body Butter. "I've always liked musk-sticks, I'll make a motza and it will be fun rubbing it on my good (sic) bits" Tinker thought, and ...........

WHO WANTS TO BE 1ST TO ALLOW TINKER APPLY HIS NEW PRODUCT?

It was about this time that Turbo looked across to bull and said "Did you fit those airbags to the undercarriage......................."

 

..................... "Yes mate" replied bull "I used 4 of the ugliest Pan Am hosties that I could find, as those airbags are cheaper that the Takata ones that are fitted with a loaded BB shottie cartridges (the hosties were all DD's), so the aircraft was prepared for takeoff again. "Weeeeee" said one of the hosties "As I really do need one" while the Skipper called "Clear torpedo" and ........................ 

...but then he petered out again, his head on his chest. Captain wasn't going to wait; he jammed the throttle wide open and the twin sooters poured out black smoke, which brough tears to the eyes of hundreds of truckies who had showed up to watch. That characteristic roaring bellow of the 600 hp Cat was shaking the leaves of the trees but the aircraft wasn't moving. "The LEVERS!" yelled Turbo "You have to move the levers forward!" and as Captain threw the levers forward the aircraft slowly picked up speed, but not fast enough.  It hit the end of the the strip, tore into the grove of small trees until the blade started to slide along the trucks and lifted the aircraft into easier going conditions. At 70 kts it lifted off, the Cat engine singing...............

 

...... "HiHo, HiHo it's off to the Fly-In we go."

"I was never concerned about that long takeoff (avref) run and that's why I deliberately chose to go downwind."

"The diesel engine was a tad bulky but Turbo Planning & Design Inc of Main St, Moorabistan remained confident (Boeing and Lockheed have both been in touch seeking a sub-licence of the design) as TP&DI really, really, really know what they are talking about because .......................

....truck engines, as in Caterpillar truck engines. He still hasn't got around to the principles behind aero engines, and still fiddles at his computer, trying to downsize and lighten Caterpillar truck engines to turn them into aero engines, as they are just so reliable in the trucks. He reckons if he can translate that reliability, and long life, and service backup, into aero engines, there'll be no need to ever replace engines, you'd just replace the airframe, and keep the original engine".

 

........... and thus the 300 HP Jabacat C7490 was borne.

The original concept developed by Turbo Planning & Design Inc of Main St, Moorabistan had a couple of Weight and Balance issues when he simply stuck a C7 in the front of the Skipper's 230, but that was solved in typical thorough TinkyWink fashion by adding 4 more rows of seats, located well back, converting the 230 into something that looked and performed more like a Caravan (Millard not Cessna), but because of the Skippers proven flying skills (he had been declared to be an "Ace" [his first of many] during the Wars of the Roses), the Cappy filled the Jabcat with diesel, lifted the blade, called "Clear Torpedo" then we were off to the Friendliest of Fly-Ins after HiHo came to life and said: "I think ................"

THE FUTURE OF RECREATIONAL AVIATION

.......the engines were made in China, and......

 

..... this posed a humdrum conundrum.

"Yes Tubb" said Goattrack who had missed out over the weekend and was therefore aggressive "Don't be a drongo again. Do you mean the drone engines or the missile engines. How hard can it be to be precise with your posts?"

"Now, now" dear Onesie" said Captain, ever the peacemaker "Cut our best mate, and WF's finest contributor, some slack. You must be more patient & friendly, as when Turbo refers to "the engines" he of course means .......

".......Hang sh!t on Turbo and you hang it on me!" and the others, who readers might remember had just been through a harrowing experience with the person who'd left Sir Charles Kingsfor Smith to die echoed bull's sentiments and for a while it looked as if the Captain might be rubbed up and down a palm tree trunk to settle him down. But Turbo defused the situation by smiling and saying "I only wrote all that to give you the material which makes you look so good, and Captain invited everyone up to the bar where...........

 

.......... there was peace again in the world and joy to all men (and women), because the NES contributors had agreed to respect each other 100% of the time and only relate stories about puppies, kittens and Enid Blighton type stuff (but not refer to Onetrack as "Big Ears" any more).

Eeeeeen and Planey were relieved that all would be sweetness and light in the NES from here on (boring as batsxxt but all sweetness and light never the less).

So presents were given, low alcohol drinks were drunk (but never until drunk), Fly-Ins were planned and all members helped each other with oil changes, had discussions about which was the most effective brand of transponder, laughed until their tummies were sore about the potential for a weight increase, and general bon ami was the order of the day. (Jab and Rotax people even shook hands, so how is that for serious happiness?) They even had ginger beer with Sao's and Jatz on a platter with cheese, tomato & little bits of gurkin on them at a hangar party.

But this was all interrupted as reports came through of a US drone strike on Rotty which led to a lively but very cooperative discussion about what are the relevant Human Factors that should apply to a drone strike where the pilot has his feet on a desk in Boise Idaho and where ..............

...or have a milk shakes with all these parrots around”

 

”I’ll show you” said Turbo and took the clear top off his milkshake cup, then leaning back pretending uninterest. A parrot flew down sat on the rim and leaned down to drink the milk. Instantly Turbo snapped the lid in and shook the cup rapidly a few times. The parrot stepped out groggily and then flew off, but the other parrots seeing the white bird raced away and the group had a parrot-free lunch, after which......

 

...... Turbo parroted on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on about those pedantic aviation issues for which he is sooooooo well known and which drive most Wreck Flyers to distraction.

Even new 16 year old stewed-ant pilots had been briefed during they Human Factors classes, to try not to get into an aviation debate with Tubb ................... and definitely do not sit on his knee if he tries on his Santa story.

But Onesie, bull, Planey, HidyHody and I are pleased to report that Wreck Flying and the NES (it's nearly impossible to get a slot to post on the NES these days, so numerous are the contributors) are going from strength to strength, Turbo or no Turbo, and with that, bull stood, drew himself (or herself) up to his (or her) full height and said "....................

The resort owner suggested Captain had brought it with him and the group were soon back in the Jab and switching to Hamilton, which had a much better lifestyle, certainly better than six packed into a Jab. As they sat down completing with the parrots to each their lunch, One Step said........"

 

..... "How the XXXX does one each one's lunch, or .....

.....a cockroach that had just come out of Captain's room, and was heading for......

 

..... bull's FNQ blue stubbies. Bull thought it to be a formal shindig.

"Wow" said Onesie "That's a big'n and could disappear right up bull's  ......

BUGGER, LOOKS LIKE SKIPPY HAS BEEN ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL AND 2 POSTS WENT THRU TO THE KEEPER.

....the beer is on at the Raffles happy hour at 6 pm.

 

And so dear NES readers, just when Sir Charles Kingsford Smith and Hi Ho's uncle,  J.T. Pethybridge could have been rescued and sipping Gin Slings in Raffles four hours later, they were left to die a horrible death on that island by the heartless Captain. A British Survey Party found their bones just three months later. Scraped in the sand was the message "Get that bastard in the Jab 230", but Captain......

 

........... was sitting on Hayman with a bevy of Aussie hosties (avref), his mates Tink, Onesie and bull, with HiHo arranging the high jinx and with Planey holding the palm frond that was aimed at ...........

........the Queen, who was about to summons the Captain to Buckingham Palace to Knight him, following Turbo's tireless years of reporting his good deeds (and believe me you had to be tireless to find them.)  But it didn't have to come to that; Turbo's head work ensured more power than was needed, and the aircraft soon was heading to another island with another two old men waving a tattered white flag on another runway which had been cut out of another lot of trees HINT; COULD THEY BE SIR CHARLES KINGSFORD SMITH AND .....

 

................ THAT OTHER BLOKE? The Skipper had noted that Tink has done the necessary research via Dr Google to identify the name of that other bloke, but that just proves what HiHo and Planey have always said about him, and in this case they were in the back of the 230, gossiping like Macron and Trudeau while eating macarons (or have I misquoted Reuters on this and should this read that "Trudeau was actually eating Macron's").

Turbo always wanted to emulate the flight of the Kookaburra too and we all can't wait for that, as ................

......XXXX the manual, let's get going, Hi Ho's squashing my foot with his elbow, and CASA won't mind because......

 

............. if this bunch of dickheads do an MH 370, nobody is going to care, except ............

As he got closer he could see two very old men waving tattered white material. He thought he recognised.....

 

……… Planey and HiHo (looking even gaunter and crooker than they used to), who had been missing from the NES for yonks.

There was no sock but the Skipper landed faultlessly as usual (in the 24 knots gusting 27 crosswind) with nary a bump and he thought "Six in a 230 with full fuel? …................................…… No worries eh, as that's only about 100% over MTOW & CASA are about to up that limit anyway ........... plus 230s are as strong as all getout, so we'll be fine."

But after loading everyone up (there was a 3rd row of seats that were easily accommodated in the 230's roomy fuselage (avref)) on this last chance of saving Planey and the HidyHody, the skipper went thru his usual complete & thorough pre-flight and called "Clear Torpedoe" and 30 secs later "Clear Prop" but as his thumb headed for the starter button Plany said "You can't start up yet as, even though I appreciate that the island is now uninhabited, you didn't call that loud enough as defined by the 230's manual, RAA Regs and the Human Factors point 7.i.3.ii subsection 12.

The Skipper was his usual calm and professional self, but Turbo went apeXXXX and said ..................

..... the ever reliable Skipper rolled (avref) onto one cheek and followed through ......................... on his undertaking to ...........

Sick of being just ballast whenever he goes (like the bricks in the Batavia), Onesie has gone all epicurean and theatrical ....."Which is just another way of saying that he gets pissed and is overly dramatic" said the barren Baron cruelly , but the ever loyal Captain patiently explained that Onesie now owns a winery & a theatre.

https://goattracktheatre.com 

........Oh, did you check the fuel before........

 

..... "Of course I did you clot" replied bull, who was designated fuel monitor for this flight (he was the Jab's equivalent of the unknown other bloke with Kingsford Smith, whereas your brave Captain was the epitome of Sir Charles (starched scarf & all) with speeches available for each stop).

So Baron von Turps and his unreliable (but accommodating) commoner companion, Goattrack, were just the usual equivalent of ballast, as indeed they are to the NES, but then again, that's probably making too light of their essential function of .....

“......fire up the Jab. We’ll head SOUTH so there’s a good chance we’ll make the Southern Hemisphere, and this time KEEP YOUR MAGNET TO YOURSELF and shut .....”

 

... the baggage door before we cross the channel and ......

.......they were back in the Jabiru heading for Western Australia and the Captain was lost. Ironically this was at the exact location where the Wackett pilot had to make the decision to veer north or south. “Which way will I go?” he asked. Turbo had been waiting for 40 years for this opportunity (after accidentally turned the fuel off) and said “You’re the PIC” ......

 

.... so head NW, my best mate & pilot extraordinaire Skipper ....... as Anne & her hottie sister are still there and hogging for me.

The ever reliable Jab got them into Heathrow in no time (even tho our Cappy gave bugger all calls and referred to a BA 4 bar guy as a wanker, so he must have thought that he lives in Perth) and then a quick Uber to the Tower saw Tubb burst into room (cell) 74 only to find it full of assorted bomb-chuckers who had been without, longer than Anne & her sis. For this was a CIA/MI6 secret holding cell and the head Fuckir was ......

.....the bell rang every 15 minutes. ......

 

.... "Well", said Turgid after each dong "That's another one done" (Tink was a machine back then) as he moved to the next one, but when he opened this door .....

.......which unfortunately you need to obtain because it's only on rare occasions that well-known BO isn't wafting around.

 

The Captain was a capable RA pilot, and they landed at Broken Hill and spent the night at Mario's with Captain, very relieved to have pulled off a flight for once regaling everyone in the old pub with stories of his legendary flying.

 

It was back out to the airport early the next morning with the passengers huddled in those lumpy old lounge chairs while the Captain carried out the preflight, and worked out his flight plan which appeared to be asking which way was west.

 

The powerful engine had them climbing at an amazing rate off 23 and cruising above the endless red earth.

 

"I'd hate to have an engine failure over this............"

 

.... barren (which Turbo was .... but which was also always the title that he wanted from Liz) country.

This harked back to an embarrassing period in Tubb's so-called life, when he offered to sleep with any of the ugly royals in return for a Baronette, but never the one to spread stories, the Captain will take this no further, except to say that it involved Anne and her half sister who they keep in the belltower, where ....

Bull in the back mumbling about "true virgins again" and turbo cracking a stubby, the captain for once was not rancid as usual, he had found a gutter drain and had a bath ,,as per attached evidence...……………..

 

... "Did someone say bath?" said the Moorabin Mauler, with revulsion, as he had been limiting himself to APC's since 2001 and you could sure pick that out in the close (erky perky) confines of the 230.

"We can ne take any more, Capt'n" said Kokodatrack, ever the engineer and Star Trek groupie, because ....

..... they were about to rotate, Tink needed to tinkle (again), so the Skipper very skillfully aborted (which should have happened to Turbid all those years ago) and the 230 .....

..... while they practiced adding an "up" to every place name they could think of, like Parramattaup, Rockhamptonup, Geelongup and all the rest.

"I can see why they constantly need to lift everything up" said bull "Because the entire joint looks like a dog with a tapeworm has dragged his aXse all over ......

ROVER DOING HIS THING DOWN NEAR FREO-UP