Captain

...... a Children's Globe of Peace, a Bell Tower and a chip on both shoulders like .....

..... it make a good TV Special to pit the pong of the TurgidPutrid against that filthy old fuckir in WA-nkerville, bull who smells like a cane toad that was hit by a 6 iron 3 weeks ago and Goattrack who smells just like his name suggests.

"I could win that easy" yelled that rancid old fuckir, Aaarcchhhmed, responding to the challenge, as did Planey who wanted to be in on the contest as well, as he too was proud of his ......

..... He had to work out a plan to ensure that Turbo became more repulsive to Nikky. A great thought struck Cappy, he knew what he could do, and it involved decapitated horses and Turbos bed.

 

Cappy, ever gleeful of a new plan of action, set off in search of.......

 

..... some guidance as to Turgid's cleanliness regime.

"All I know is that he pongs bad" volunteered Planey, and this was surprising as Planey and Turbid are like that.

"Like what?" asked Goattrack.

bull thought long and medium hard (which was not much harder than soft) and said "........

..... that does to create a nasty smell of cordite in an area where you should preferably be wearing the aroma of Paco Rabanne (which is supposed to make you smell like a million bucks).

 

Nothing puts Nikky off more than snuggling up to hear the latest plan to thwart police investigations, and instead, putting her nose into a dose of overpowering and lingering cordite smell. 

 

But Cappy was getting very jealous by this stage as it was obvious Nikky preferred Turbines company instead of him.

 

Besides, if he couldn't spend more time with Nikky, he'd miss out on some great corruption chances, going right through to the Premier and Cabinet.

 

He had to work out a plan to ensure that Turbo became more repulsive to Nikky. A great thought struck Cappy, he knew what he could do, and it involved decapitated horses and Turbos bed.

 

Cappy, ever gleeful of a new plan of action, set off in search of.......

 

Cappy, always the nice bloke, apologises to GoatTrack that his above excellent and Walkley award worthy post was leapfrogged (bull's favourite game when naked) and it will be addressed in due course.

.......pea shooter. Turbo pulled out his 12 gauge......…

 

…..... 12 gauge schmelve gauge, and the Skipper rolled out his 25 pounder, then zipped up again and …….

....supposition on the Captain's part. Turbo's lips had been sealed by a 357 magnum held close to the ear, and you know what......

 

……..... a big gun is, until he saw The Captain's, when he unholstered his 44 magnum and at the same time whipped out his ………...

A PIC OF YOUR BELOVED SKIPPER WHEN HE GOT HIS 44 MAGNUM UNHOLSTERED

SO IT IS OBVIOUS THAT HE HAD TO WHIP IT OUT WITH HIS LEFT HAND.

TURBO IS THE PUNK IN QUESTION.

..........Nikky and Turbo (this will be killing the Captain, who had been rejected; "I just couldn't stand all that garlick on his breath", Nikky had told Turbo in a tender moment, and since Turbo never talks, that's all he had to say about that., so bull was left to.....

 

.... wonder whether Nikki had ever really been that desperate.

"She seemed to have been an alright sort back during her ok BMI stage and she surely wouldn't have needed to go all the way down the food chain to Turbo, would she?" He asked Planey (a great confidant of Tink's), but that was just .....

[Turbo humbly apologises to bull for missing his well-written rejoinder]

 

Same from me, and I feel terrible about it.

THE ABOVE PHOTO OF THE TABLOIDPUBLISHER AND HIS NAFFARIOUS DOINGS ON THE ISLAND HAVE NOW BEEN INCLUDED IN THE RAA'S HUMAN FxCKTORS COURSE IN A SEPARATE SECTION ENTITLED "PERVERSIONS", FOR WHICH TINK IS A POSTER CHILD …………………….. MOD

PS - ONESIE WILL BE SUBSTITUTED FOR THE COURSES TO BE CONDUCTED IN WA-NKERVILLE TO KEEP IT RELEVANT, and when you see the below, is it any wonder, the filthy XXXX?

.

He ran up to Cappy and started to tear at his grass skirt, convinced that Hawaiian bad luck was following him, in the form of Cappy in a Hawaiian outfit.

 

Of course, the worst part was, Cappy was wearing a Hawaiian floral shirt, which only antagonised Turbine even more. Cappy became alarmed, he'd never seen Turbine at his worst, and now he was seeing.....

 

… Turbo's behaviour akin to Jeff Epstein on Paradise Island just before Bill and Hillary arrived.

"That's 4 or us but I need an 8-some for the 8 person shower." Tubb explained.

"Leave me out if Hillary is involved" said your beloved Captain, who has standards, and with that he tore a palm leaf off a tree and wiped his ……….

TURBO AND HIS GUIDED TOUR OF THE ISLAND (The palm tree that crappy used is on the right).

... the lei covered up his impressive ......

ONE OF CAPPY'S RELOS.

THE LIKENESS IS UNCANNY

.... the inhabitants all have six fingers, and only three surnames amongst the 4066 inhabitants - thus explaining why Cappy can count to 12 so quickly.

 

But Cappy still insists he has Hawaiian ancestry, and this is possibly backed by the fact that he kisses everyone on the cheeks, hugs everyone when saying goodbye - and uses "mauka" and "makai" instead of cardinal points of the compass when giving directions - even when in an aircraft. He also refers to anyone in his region as an aunt, uncle, or cousin.

 

Despite all this.....

 

..... everyone still loves his grass skirt when he goes commando, then swings his legs out of the aircraft, and his .....

....tentacles, and found......

 

..... dna signs of one of Cookie's texxticles in one of his long buried .......

.....am related to Captain Cook.

 

"Har Har Har" said one of the operators who was born pre-millenial, "we know all about the hills behind Cooktown, and we've been treating membetrs of the family for years."

 

The Rat didn't know whether to tell them the family secret, or....

 

... to give the NES a miss until the subject matter changes, but he decided to come clean.

"I'm related to Cookie by gastronomy" he said.

Tink, Onesie and bull-from-bone were flummoxed and looked quizzically at each other (not a real pleasant experience).

"My family is from Hawaii (where we also pioneered surfing   the Duke was my grandpa) and on Valentines Day in 1779 Cookie was opening a V Day card when my great great x 6 granddad munched on one of Cookies thigh bones. We know that because we have dna tested one of my grandpa x 6's .......

"Cappy", said bull, "We're going to have to....

 

….. accept that Turb's writings are not only batsxxt boring, they are toxic, so ……..

OneShip picked up the book with a heavy heart; he knew that he would have to .......

 

….. accept that Turbo's writings are not only batsxxt boring, they are toxic, so ………..

........read a few chapters of My Navigating Genius by Captain Cook VIII, (ghost written by commander Bull from bone), Translation into Queen’s English by Turbo …....

 

……… and instantly fall asleep.

Hence the well known core principal of aviation, as defined by Human Factors in a separate 2 hr closed door section of every HF Seminar (including those given to commercial and navy pilots), …….. "FIVE HOURS FROM ANY TURBO TOME TO THROTTLE".

The HF Szar commented when asked by reporter Captain, "An experienced pilot is better off hitting the turps that reading anything Turbs has written if they want to stay awake on their next sector (avref)." and this resulted in the well known bumper sticker "Control your risk … Turps over Turbs".

Hence, this lead to a massive change in the manner in which ………….

.........mic finger. I used Captain's number for years; never paid a landing fee, until one over-officious, useless, self- opinionated official walked over to the cafe before I'd managed to wolf down my lunch and DEMANDED the $15.00 in front of EVERYONE, and then........

 

.... I realised that I have no mates, so EVERYONE was actually NOBODY, and I therefore slit his throat and stored the body in a nearby Drifter, as nobody flies them any more."

"There's another example of where Human Factors are vital to the future of aviation" said the VHF Szar "As if that questioner hadn't been such an XXXX and wanting to get home while facing Cyclone Tubby, he would still be alive. All he really had to do was read a book and have a cuppa (plus a milko's wife or 2) and he'd have survived. Either that or .....

........and the diatribe went on for another 40 minutes, which was a sure sign that "someone" has recently been pinged for HF infrigements and slapped with a fine big enough to empty the gin bottles for a while.  The Captain had refused to fit a sump guard on his Benz 4WD Ute "because I'LL decide when I'm going to hit a rock, he'd painted the wheel nut loc ks on so they always appeared tight, instead of yellow strips he had puce, and his ID number was UPU 1......why would the HF people go after him? and why..........?

 

..... would Tubb have used the Skipper's aircraft ID when he did his "10-4 Good Budgie" truckie routine on approach into YSWG with 2 Qantas commuters & an airforce Herc in the pattern?

"That's a good question" said the UHF Szar, flexing his .....

...stay ahead of the competition, which in the social media world rivals the French Revolution where you could get your head sliced off merely for looking like the Captain, who would probably have been the Guillotine blade man who was fed turnips to keep him irritable, and.....

 

…… let's not even mention the flatulence ………. oh the flatulence ……… which is a subject on its own in the Human Factors course, where the danger in an enclosed aircraft can be potent and the pong can cause Get-Home-It is plus there is a risk that the Pilot (avref) might think he has done a main bearing if there was any noise from the flaaaat part of the flatulence, so as a result HF have banned turnips & cabbage from the diets of all Pilots (avref). "That's another HF issue solved" said the HF Szar (who used to just be a 27Mhz Szar before his promotion) when ………..   

But Turbid Hawking was ejected from the seminar, because he threw one zoomie too many, and ran over the seminar directors toes. 

 

And there dear reader is a vital lesson on the importance of Human Factors, ……… because the seminar eventually concluded, after a fair bit of testwork & debate, that while Turbo was indeed Human, the big Factor was that he is a FXXXwhit, something that the trucking and outboard motor industries had known for years.

Suddenly, bull from Bone spoke a few words - and when bull spoke, everyone listened carefully (mostly because he slurred his words a lot). "Whaddya reckon?", said bull, "We go and find these...…

 

….. lost capital letters, as bone, sydney, brisbane & moorabistan were getting sick of just being ordinary non-capitals.

"and don't forget about me" called the fukir "as i can't even yell out in capitals any more to make a point in my loud voice …………… and even when I swear, like xxxx off, it isn't in caps. we have to do something about this bull pxxxx"

eeeeen agreed as he needed his quota of capital letters to ………….

.... his gig as Turbid Hawking the astrid physicist, so he practiced by......

 

.... doing zoomies in his wheelchair and attending a Human Factors wheelchair seminar which stressed that .....

......gave it up and hit the books for the last couple of years, moving on to write a Thesis entitled "How I know the earth is warming  because of the Industrial Revolution", and a follow up "Cattle Flatulation and the melting of the Glaciers"  It set him up for........

 

.... his gig as Turbid Hawking the astrid physicist, so he practiced by......

....I mean to say, getting the milkmans wife pregnant while he was out delivering milk is pretty poor form, but vandalising the neighbours house and torching their car, while they were away, was truly over the top.

 

But there is one way you may be able to redeem yourself, and that is by becoming a good Islamic scholar and studying the Quran so that you can put all evil thoughts aside, and become a good jihad. Are you in on it?".

 

Cappy replied, "You think I'd .....

 

……. have more respect for Tink if that was the case, as getting the Milko's wife preggers when he was 13 is a thing to be revered, particularly as Tink spent most of his 13th year experimenting with LMBTQRSTUVW activities, however he must have seen the light (or the light shining out) when he ………..

.... a reputation that I would die to still have now."

 

"I and my FIFO franchise can fix that for you" said Archhhhmed (or Meds as his mates call him) "Plus, we are opposing the use of Maggy Court's name by Tennis OZ because ......

 

……… we think that Maggy would look hot in a letterbox, plus I'll get another 144 virgins if I can convert her from a true believer Christian into a card carrying bomb chucker. I just hope my extra gross of virgins aren't as gross as Turbo was back when he was one prior to WW2."

Turbo remembered those days with great affection, when he was warned not to touch anything below his 4 pack and when Maggy was a hottie, before he ……..

MAGGIE STILL GET'S TINK'S HEART A-RACING AND HIS BLOOD A-PUMPING.

.... a reputation that I would die to still have now."

"I and my FIFO franchise can fix that for you" said Archhhhmed (or Meds as his mates call him) "Plus, we are opposing the use of Maggy Court's name by Tennis OZ because ......