Captain

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO THE THOUSANDS OF READERS OF, & TO THE HUNDREDS OF CONTRIBUTORS TO, THE NES.

PLEASE EXCUSE THE BELOW ARTWORK BEING IN ENGLISH, BUT THERE ARE JUST TOO MANY LANGUAGES USED BY YOU ALL FOR US TO ADD SPECIFIC MESSAGES IN YOUR OWN LINGOS.

(And to Uniroot & bull I am pleased to advise that, it's a secret, but the hard border into NSW & Mextoria will be relaxed on January 5th (to let the smoke out) so that is your chance to emigrate here by boat. I have a people smuggler's mobile number for you both. Don't miss this unique chance to improve your lives.)

NES READERS SHOULD LOOK INWARD TONIGHT AND REMEMBER HOW FORTUNATE WE ARE WHEN THE FIREWORKS ARE ON …......………., AND REMEMBER OUR FRIENDS ON THE FRONT LINE OF THE PALESTINIAN VARIETY AND OUR FIRST NATION BEST MATES IN FIFO WHO MIGHT BE COOKING SCONES AND FILAFELS OUT ON THE VELDT THIS EVENING, EXPERIENCING THEIR OWN INCOMING FIREWORKS, DROUGHT OR NO DROUGHT, FIRE-BAN OR NO FIRE-BAN, WHEN THE XSOSA HAVE ANOTHER CRACK AT SHAFTING THEM TONIGHT.

I'm contacting Scott to see if I can get them up to $6,000 each in compensation.

avoid turbo's steam stream before it.............................

 

.........… which led some plastic flying wag on Wreck Flying to describe Tink's Drifter as a steaming pile of ...…...

........ban Drifters.

 

"They're just a rag and bone relic from the past" said one plastic flyer, and then..........

 

……. another mini GFC hit him and he was back to valuing the basic enjoyment of rag & bone aviation, plus the joys of flying backwards in a strong breeze.

But, alas, the full glass cockpit (FGC) (acronymref) of the Drifter GS (DGS) (another aviationacronymref) in a GFC (financialFupref) was having an …………...

Turbo decided to put a Jawa in a Drifter (avref), but first decided to run the idea ion WF (avref) to see how much people knew, and...... 

 

……. all of a sudden the Drifter and Jawa experts came out of the trees.

"You can't do that" said One.

"That'll never work" said another.

"Turbo's a bit of a dick, making such a suggestion in public" said a third one "As it will encourage some pilots to be a bit silly".

"Yes, and it breaches Human Factors guidelines to have a 500cc semi horizontal piston sticking out of one side of a Drifter" said a 4th "Turbo should be given a holiday for even thinking such a thing".

And thus, the pressure increased to …………….

PPS ………. It is also little known that Hitler was last seen in a private box at the 2019 Argentinian Round of the Speedway GP and below is a photo provided by Eva Braun (or Eve Brown as she is now known while in hiding in Buenos Aires). Note also how The Big H looks younger than Turbo, but Turbo has the same mustache (spooky eh, but it does go some way to explain his right wing attitudes on Wreck Flying (atlastanavref)).

…..... this initiative by the Speedway controlling body worked wonders as everyone knows that New Zuland is one of the world's great achieving nations "And if it wasn't for all those jolly tourists, we could huv been evun greater" said Winston "Thank goodness for Jacinda, eh, or we wouldn't have made the world news during the past 10 years."

And the Chinese too have taken to speedway in a big way, where President Xi had been famous (pre-politics, pre-arsehole & pre-dictator) as an ex rider (he had imported one of the first Jawa sliders into the country, before the design was copied and they were sold under his Wang Chung branding), for a while he was a mechanic for George Tattnell, a tyre pressure guru for Turbo and then gained fame as a driver under the name of Wong Dumsney.

As a result of all of these initiatives, Speedway was adopted as the official sport of the United Nations (a new mile track is presently under construction in Mogadishu as a joint Suni/Shia Muslim "No Bomb Chuckers Here ®© " peace initiative) and has been added as an Olympic Sport in the 2026 games where Turbo has taken a position as the Grand Marshal, to be certain that …………….

PS ……. It is a little known fact that Hitler used to swing on a BMW based sidecar with Goebels as his rider, so Speedway has been around the centre of world power for quite a while.

..........Spiderman, who continues to go about doing his good deeds regardless of the risk and the intent of people who try to stop him helping humanity and the innocent people who were just doing it hard, like Loxy. This brought the committee to tears, and they said "Go in peace Turbo and continue to improve the world." so he went out and made for the airport and took his favourite aircraft up for an hour os stall turns, and then.......

 

..... for a quick spin & barrel roll in the ......

... his consequent rudderless (avref) condition should only be an improvement on his past attempts to keep on track as clearly displayed by his consistent reliance on low (cap ref) passes whenever he ....

 

.... starts to type (or wakes up even).

"I agree" said Planey, who provided a 20 page stat dec describing how Tink was a clear and present danger to HF and to all things aviation, and he closed with the forceful assertion that Turbo is the equivalent to aviation that Ebola is to .....

....references to his own indefatigable skills and exploits, rather than providing a decent continuing NES line." At that, a committee was drawn up to determine Turbwhines punishment.

 

Onetrack thought capital punishment for Turbs infringements was bordering on a little severe, even though it was likely to be based on CASA's style of ruthless punishment for minor infringements (avref).

 

But Cappy wanted to follow through on the capital punishment. He said, "I've always liked the idea of.......

 

..... a public paddling of the Turbo's empennage, and a .......

.......light aircraft hanging from the cables, including .... 

 

...... a Fokker Wolf and a Spitfire 7G.

And this is where Planey saw his chance and he submitted a written compliant demanding capital punishment which effectively said "Two airfix kits hanging from a roof do not an avref make" and while the contributions of Captain, Onetrack, HiHo & bull-from-bone have been exemplary, Turdboy's posts have consistently brought the NES into disrepute because of his numerous ......

........was having a quiet dinner, and the band asked him to get up and sing. He noticed a few people making comments like "He isn't Normie", and "Where's the swearing and the bad temper" and suddenlt the audience realised he wasn't Normie Rowe, and started asking for encores - 37 of them, and he didn't get any dinner, or ......

 

..... desert.

And it is all clear now to the Skipper, who has actually been inside Chez Turbo AND inside that hidden room where he keeps all his momentos (like the broken props, the G Meters that read 12 & Ron Casey's heart in a glass box) and the gold records with Normi Rowe scratched out and Turbo Planner written in with a penknife. But there were also shackles chained to the wall and several .......

TURBS DOING HIS BEST NORMI IMPRESSION.

HIS KNEES CAN'T DO THAT ANY MORE.

AND HIS ISN'T THAT LONG EITHER.

......true love which Cappy’s dating mates tended to back out of very quickly, leaving the verse to read “me and my red dog” to walk the glens of Scotland for eternity, unless....

 

.... this, dear reader is just a shameless cross-promotion (which I guess is more acceptable than his usual cross-dressing) for Turbo's recent book release, wtitten under his pseudonym of Normy Bridwell and called Clifford the Big Red Dog, for Normy was Turbo's favourite alias and readers will recall his period masquerading as Normi Rowe which all came crashing (avref) to an end when he ......

....Mukamutt, who...

 

...... was a member of the Scottish clan and who replied "Ye take the high road and I'll take the SportStar and ye'll be in Tooradin a'fore me, for me and my ........

....the context, and on a count back Hi Ho got the blame for drifting from the Cubcrafters STOL Competition when he had it in the bag.

 

"What's the penalty for drifting", asked ..................

 

........ Malamute when he spoke to ......

AS A SIGN OF THE POPULARITY OF THE NES, IMMEDIATELY THIS NEW CHARACTER WAS INTRODUCED, ONESIE HAD A CLOTHING LINE ON THE MARKET, SEE EXAMPLES BELOW. WHAT A CRAVEN SXUT HE IS.

.......taste. His cooking was appalling and Turbo always kept his terrier under the table to chew his wild duck meat before he ate it, and....

 

...... "Is that a euphamism?" thought Planey, about to push the objection button, but he stopped because of ......

.....very handy in the bush. Turbo’s grandfather used to say “Ticks are your friend in the bush; If you have a dog with a tick, just walk behind him and he’s better than a compass.”  He’d know too, wild duck poaching involves getting deep into remote areas. In fact....

 

..... that was the normal way to cook them before basting them in an oven became the standard way, having been recommended by Maggie Stout in 1925. But Turdbro's grampy was a wild man with occasional weaknesses and a bitter .....

…… have painted them with creosote instead of pitch, but that's because ……...

 

...….. of the white ants, which are a pain when they get up that high (they are worse than a tick and once they are in place your scrotum always aligns itself north-south), which can be ……....

only have medium pitched balls or....................

 

…… have painted them with creosote instead of pitch, but that's because ……...

.......realised who he was. "Hey Mukrayk" yelled Moptop "Do you realise who that is?" "Well bugger me" said Moptop, "it's that gangster Bony Mokbil, the one who ripped off our pension fund!" "And cost us all our frequent flyer points" (avref) replied Murayk, working himself into a right hissy fit (like FT). They....

 

..... plotted their revenge, but then Muckmessup said "But a 9' 5" full stop landing? That HiHo is a gun pilot (avref)" which all on Wreck Flying have known for years as he is one of the biggest wrecks of all the wrecks herewith assembled. "That STOL by that Osssie bloke was awesome and we need to show him some .......

The Cubcrafters Committee, representatives of all makes of aircraft tended to agree with HiHo although they didn’t know what this “gauge” business was, so they allowed him to enter.

 

Even though His 310 had wing tanks and two engines, due to the internal Bernoulli effect of its internal twists it lifted off like a feather, and he was sitting in first place for the take off, but....

 

..... in typical HiHo fashion he did a high speed beat-up of the strip, delighting in the serenity of twin continentals at full stick (hoonavref).

"There goes HiHo beating it again" observed Mattmutt the native Alaskan who thought HiHo was flying with one hand, but then Hidy landed the 310 on a dime (it was actually a 1950 Zac) and he trotted over to his yellow Fence Hopper where he really showed them a thing or two (see the below video) and the crowd in unison  yelled "Nice jaarrb HidyHody" before they ......

"Well, you try lugging a full sized wire frame of a Cessna 310 down to the rubbety, and see how you go." said HiHo somewhat defensively.

HiHo's gunna give 'em buggery.

.......was one development he hadn’t caught up with. He realised he could turn his wheezing little fence hopper into a spectacular STOL by screwing this material on, and it wasn’t long before he.....

 

...... had entered his FH into the Alaskan STOL World Champioship and filed his flightplan direct via Tokyo and Seoul.

Cubcrafters immediately moved to ban this new Aussie technology but first they ......

Hiho's next project is to build the entire aircraft from barbed wire to gain all possible STOL benefits. Below is the full sized frame that he has prepared, and took down to the pub to show his mates.

“...city flyer; they don’t know nothing!”

 

And it was partially correct; very few city pilots know that if 10 gauge barb to the leading edge of a prop. The weave on this gauge of wire creates a tiny dam, packing about 5% more air behind the prop and improving the aircraft performance substantially. The barbs don’t seem to affect this process, in fact..

 

..... the barbs have been studied by the Smithsonian and shown to give a short takeoff performance boost akin the leading edge flaps AND vortex generators combined.

Hiho is into this type of stuff and was both flabbered & gasted because this ......

....Turbo who apologises to NES readers for such an atrocious post which was made with the best of intentions to boost the Captain's morale; Loxy's beercan was an immaculate example of a prestige possession designed to be shown off.  There is no evidence that it ever left the ground at Wagga Wagga, just stood out there polished to withing an inch of its life, tyres blacked and a fox tail hanging from the antenna, while Cappy's Jab, which he built himself, looked it and had much in common with Riverina  farm outhouses including green mould around the windows. Clearly his post failed to calm the XXXXXX down, and.......

 

..... while these days the Skipper is actually please just to be called a XXXXXX, but he must admit that with his 230, having been built out on the farm, was proudly adorned with several 9 gauge wire ties and the antennas from 7 gauge and the leading edges of the prop in 10 gauge barb.

"I thought you had flown through a fence" said Turbs, but the admiring crowd guffawed in unison and the overwhelming comment in response was "He must be a .....