Captain

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

While they were lining up for the race .....

.... Turbo made his very crafty move that was typical of the outstanding later success he had with his speedway career and subsequently with Turbine Industries, when he .....

58 minutes ago, Captain said:

during their torrid relationship back in the 70s .

PS ... Her mum really liked me and thought I was suitable material to contribute to the royal gene pool. Just say'n.

3 hours ago, Captain said:

Victoria was "hot", a bit like Princess Anne

Just to clarify re this issue after the several, perhaps hundreds, of phone calls that I have received from NES readers since the above post, below is the photo that Anne gave to Cappy (and which he still carries next to his heart) during their torrid relationship back in the 70s .......

58 minutes ago, Captain said:

even though he was on the other side of the battle

.... and on the other side of the hill too .......... even way back then.

36 minutes ago, onetrack said:

......aching muscles to ensure they totally relaxed - and this unusual technique and odd use of Castrol R, brought forth a substantial number of inquiries, especially from the large and imposing........

..... Afghans tribals that we were fighting.

"Geez that stuff smells great, mate" they would say (but using their own colloquialisms) "Do you think that the goats would like it?".

"Well" Cappy replied "This guy with me is one of the GOATs in the speedway caper" ...... even though speedway hadn't yet been invented and the chariots around the colosseum was about the best likeness .... where Turbo taught dual horse opposite lock techniques using reins.

"Yes" said Turbo modestly "I am one of the best at everything I do, and we use Castrol R on the wheel spindles of the chariots ..... plus if you look closely you can see a white, green and red Castrol sponsorship sticker on the chariot that Spartacus drove in the film". 

The tribals were impressed with having access to somebody of Turbo's prowess, even though he was on the other side of the battle (although they sensed that a deal could be done) and the Warlord sent a message that said (note that his punctiliation exceeds that of our other great mate from Tassy who is a product of the great queenslander edumacation system) " G'day Cobbers." the Warlord said in Afghan "We are lining up the goats tonight to see how the Castrol R goes, so do you blokes want to come and have a ........

THE SOMEWHAT WORN & BATTLE-SCARRED ACTUAL CASTROL STICKER FROM SPARTACUS'S CHARIOT ... SEE MORE BELOW. (NOTE CRACKS FROM ROCKS AND DISCOLOURATION FROM BEING PELTED WITH HORSE POO).

The Castrol sticker is visible just below the bloke on the left wearing the red dress.

..... self-confident arrogance that is still with him to this day. 

"I'm too valuable to the human race to be hurt" he would say, then and now..... and he even said it to Cappy last evening when I gave him a call to see if he was OK and to try to get his ego under control (Turbo and Cappy have been close & best great mates for the past 60 years or so, since that time posted together up the Khyber fighting for Her Maj (Victoria was "hot", a bit like Princess Anne) so we used to take the Castrol R off the monkeys at gunpoint and rub it on our .....

7 hours ago, bull said:

.the smell of two strokes, now this really upset .......

.... those who are prone to stroke it, of which there are quite a few in Wreck Flying, present company excepted of course.

However, by using his last 30 gallons of leaded fuel and by adding Castrol R to the mix, he had the ladies & the blokes really ......

2 hours ago, onetrack said:

Poor old bull had forgotten there were 835 pages of the NES, and he'd started off reading Page 1 all over again, thus leading the NES readers to start scratching their ......

..... Instant Lottery Scratch-It cards ..... bull likes the ones where Tasmanians have to match the 3 people with the 6 heads, and also the game to match the country yokel with his sister, plus the ......

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

The unusually sensitive post from Cappy above explaining that he made a mistake comes from the early days when Cappy and Turbo, discharged from the Khyber Pass action (one honorably, one dishonorably) were out of work and decided to quote for the supply of oranges to that year's paricipants in the Hajj.

Turbo mixed up the difference between pounds and gills and they barely scrapped in after selling four million oranges. They had enough for their air fare home and a couple of weeks of counter meals at the local pub.

Crappy thanks Turdy for the acknowledgement of his sensitivity and states, for the record, that all other events, as mentioned by the Turdster, are true and correct. 

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

The leopard now hungry for monkey caught up with the Drifter and almost got a monkey which caused a horrific expulsion of nuts and the drifter almost jumped the start but the kindly Chief Starter, Chuck Wager allowed it. By lap two the Drifter was in the lead, having the advantage of a very tight turn (you would too if you looked over your shoulder and saw leopard teeth), and at the finish ............

..... he flew (avref) a victory lap, which is so named, as it allowed him to lap all but one of the P51s.

The crowd with berserk and awarded .....

4 hours ago, Captain said:

Mecca's employees

Your Crappy apologizes for the above typo and he was not attempting to introduce race or religion into the wonderful NES's reporting on world events.

This should have read "Macca's employees" and was not referring to those hard workers who facilitate the Hajj each year.

23 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

....they stopped fighting and concentrated on getting away from the snow leopard.

To be sure this combination had limited durability but the trick was to get six good laps out of them, so Masa marked a circuit out on the floor of the Gobi desert in southern Japan, and the trials started.

At the first trial the Snow Leopard ran off after a ....................

..... particularly gorgeous geisha (as you do), while the Monkeys continued to face away & fire randomly at the crowd that had assembled to witness .....

.... a suitably armoured (Tokuji Nut proof), Snow Leopard to chase them, so that .....

... the king of the Snow Monkies, who's name was .....

19 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

......an exchange student from Dubbo translated the Macca's menu and found that under the label "Big Waygu" Macca San was supplying Snow Monkeys from Jigokudani.

The mokeys had been eating Tokuji Nuts from the Tokuji trees, guaranteed to move a train for anyone with a stomach problem. 

The Japanes Board of Behaviours was sent to investigate, and found labels reading "Turbinesu Wayghu; only the very best for Japan, marbling quality AAA"

When Macca's found out .......

.... why 50% of their staff were off work on the injured list due to Tokuji Nuts being fired from the arses of Snow Monkeys while the Mecca's employees were attempting to ......

Meanwhile Bill Gates was inventing a vaccine to counter Tokuji Nut injuries, and this one is only expected to kill 3 in 50 and disable 7 in 40 who take the 1st dose & 7 boosters as part of the compulsory campaign, which Almo has endorsed. 

30 minutes ago, bull said:

,went to the local macca,s instead and this caused................

..... consternation, and the opposite of constipation, when .....

12 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Despite this old Masa Wuntika stepped right on to the rattler........and he had bare feet........and the rattler was already mad. The rattler ......

....., however, had a lot of respect for the efficiency of the latest D155AX-8 WH, particularly when fitted with the latest coal blade, (Masa Wuntika was a silent partner with Shibu Takamatsu [known as "Shifty" to his mates]) so the rattler gave Masa a miss and headed for Maka Turbinesu because he had never really liked their burgers and his experience was that most members of the Turbinesu family can be dicks at times, so he ......

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

That's who the Afghans had cosen to upset and Nob ...........

..... was about to do a Crocodile Dunnydee to pick the rattler up by the tail to crack him like a stockwhip, when he thought of a better way, which was to shove his rattle up his .....

Cappy feels very unworthy after the feast of data contained in Turdy's last post.

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

"RU1?" asked the rattler and Nob replied "S"

"I am a chef" said the rattler, do you like M?"

"S" replied Nob

"Do you like X?" asked the rattler.

"S" replied Nob

"OK, I make M&X" said the rattler, and pulled out his mini burner .........................

.... which was rattler symbolic sign language that he thought that Nob was hot.

It was then that Nobu relised that the rattler's previous messages were actually rattler Aghan LMBGTQXRS porn, and Nobu had been .....

41 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

..........reached into his pocket and pulled out the needle and thread that every mother slips into her solider's pocket and had just started to stitch when he heard the unmistakable sound of an angry Afghan Rattler. These highly dangerous snakes, living in the Eastern Hemisphere, rattled in reverse to the Arizona Rattlers and at a much higher speed, so they sounded like an attacking Stuka and you only had seconds to vacate. Grabbing his split, Nobu sprang just as the snake struck out and the snake went one way and Nobu went the other, landing on ........................

..... the narrow section of his ding that was exposed by his split dacks. "Ouch" said Nob "My postelior has been luined" 

However, Nobu was also a man of the world and knew that the Afghan rattlers also rattled right to left and he was able to communicate with it by rattling back using a bush-base lagerphone made from XXXX bottle tops (please note that this use of the term XXXX means XXXX and not XXXX or XXXX), whereby Nobu discovered that the rattler was looking to befriend westerners, well Japanesterners anyway, be retained as an interpreter, and to thereby be awarded refugee status, so Nobu responded in a friendly sort of way and the rattler was .......

A TYPICAL AFGHAN RATTLER, STILL LIVING IN THE PAST, USING THE 1970S RUSSIAN CAMMO PATTERN. NOTE HIS RATTLE HAS THE BIGGEST DIAMETER AT THE END TO FASCILITATE THEIR RIGHT TO LEFT RATTLING PATTERN.

NOB'S ACTUAL LAGERPHONE, NOW HOUSED IN THE JAPANESE MUSEUM OF MODERN CULTURE

On 02/02/2024 at 6:51 AM, Captain said:

the Aussie Foreign Minister's real name is Penny Wing and she had a high Wing profile in the Labor Party,

A further caution for new NES members and stewed-ants is to always bear in mind that Penny's high wing profile in the ALP always turns left once airborne, and port side runway and taxiway excursions are always a danger .......... plus the constant risk of running out of other people's money.

1 hour ago, onetrack said:

However, as he stood up, he heard a scary sound. It went "RI-I-I-I-I-PPPP!!! .... and right about then, he felt a big portion of his posterior exposed to the cool air of the evening by the jagged barbs of the fence, and this brought on a cold sweat, as he knew that.........

..... he hadn't changed his undies, and he instantly remembered his mum's wise words about having clean undies if he was ever hit by a bus, or needing to go to hospital or if snagged on wire atop a fake IED.

He......

.... hid like an escapee from the Afghanistan withdrawal and he .....

3 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

Rockwell Commander 520 which was supposed to take him out to a remote mission, but .................

.... he decided to have a missionary instead, and ....

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

The parties will be .......

..... mega with everyone boring each other with Rockwell  corporate insider jokes and Commander 520 pilot (avref) humorous ditties, including the one about the vicar and the .....