Captain

44 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.......so he made a quick sale of his Jab LSA55 in the bar and someone paid$15 to use it as a dog kennel. Salty laid off the$15 against the field and came in at the end of the day with enough money to ..................

...... buy a heap of shares in Turbine Hydrogen Power and Thinner Condoms Inc (THPATCI), which is sure to .........

....... each chucked $5 in the ring and chose a CASA person to back, thus resulting in the highest value ever placed on CASA in the fields of Wreckreational aviation and spaceflight.

Salty saw the blue and his 4 close friends rooting for various CASA persons, with all that money (a small fortune in Remnark) .......

23 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

....And so the four astronauts, Turbo, Cappy, CT, OT and te CASA Record Monitor (Turbo had made up a space suit with the words "CASA, Handle with care") walked out of the spacecraft looking happy, with fluff all round their mouths,

A kid yelled out " I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING!" and ....................

 

.......... Turbo, ever the maverick, flipped him the bird, while CT dropped his dacks and mooned (spaceref) the little nipper, whereas OT, being the true gentleman bushy and cameleer that he is, went over to the little jerk and hit ...........

55 minutes ago, CT9000 said:

Now there is a major problem with w&b. {avref} over gross by 3000% and aft c of g {another avref}. .......

.......... but in true AUF tradition, nobody cared as all knew that the airframe is always way over designed and able to hack it if only 3000% over gross as long as you don't pull too many G's.

Turbo chipped in here and said" As per a previous post, in the Wreck Flying world, rules are made for wooses and are really just for guidance. Plus that CT from DG is right in that it is no wuckers while weightless, but will make for interesting flying (avref understatement) after re-entry, where I would expect that .......

NB ... After a published statement like that on a public forum like this, Turbo can expect a call from the AUF's Human Fuctors Szar. "XXXX him, her or it" responded Turbo being the maverick that he has always been.

2 hours ago, CT9000 said:

.......whatever just hurry up and find the pest animal control forms and get the bounty application in. these forms must be signed before the bounty can be claimed.....

........ so by the time that all of the forms were completed, signed, and eventually approved by the Mextorian Govt, the rabbits had multiplied to about 12,000, a couple of the bigger bucks had taken a fancy (erky perky) to Dicky Branson (Like a Virgin, for the very 1st time etc .... Respects to all Virgins past & present) and had inserted their .......

...... "Just so that we are clear about the issue, did you say "rabbits" or "rabbis" or ......

(The NASA engineers showed some concern, as 2000 Rabbis would totally XXXX {a NASA technical term} the spacecraft's W&B)

..... Cappy sauntered down the aisle in high heals and his pink bunny costume underneath a hooters t-shirt. Cappy wiggled his cute bunny tail, brought Turbs his usual 750 mill sampler of scotch & started to collect up the 2000 floaters.

By the time Cappy had wrung the necks of about 700 of them, Turbo was ......

6 hours ago, onetrack said:

"It's not just the comfort levels, either", Turbo remarked. "It's the fact that using rabbit materials right throughout the entire space vehicle, will give the craft a major jump start off the ground! - and this extra push will.....

......... at which point OT bloke in and offered a comment based on his knowledge as a legendary WA Bushman and Cameleer.

"You have those bunnies mixed up with Kangaroos, you Moorabbin based clown" Onesie said delicately "Or are you having one of your usual hot flush flashbacks to that Loony Tune where Sylvester mithtook Hippety Hopper for a mouth (and Sylvester Jnr the kitten was "So athyamed")? A shipload of wabbits (or even a spaceship load of bunnies) won't help Dickie Branson's space flights to ........

....... not to mention the cash that was to be made from crafting bunny skin rugs and eiderdowns ...... as sewn by child slaves in the Turbine Sweat Shops Inc underground complex located in an old goldmine near Bendigo.

Their biggest sellers were queen (NTTIAWWT) sized white rabbit skin bed covers that are oh so soft and cuddly to rub your face, & other bits, against.

"Just don't tell the customers that each rug is made from 10,000 rabbit tails" said Turbo "And to get the tails with enough skin for the kiddies to sew them together we need to cut the bums out of 10,000 bunnies, which leaves them ....

AS YOU CAN SEE, IT TAKES A FEW TO MAKE A QUEEN SIZED RUG

47 minutes ago, CT9000 said:

......huddered at the thought of the cost of all that gunpowder being wasted on a rocket when it could be used to fire his old blunderbuss rifle.....

........ which is shown below, and as Mavis can attest, the end is the same shape as his ...........

3 hours ago, onetrack said:

 

 

 

 

 

(And dear NES readers, here we have the TAVCSFDCPI teams, initial commendable design result, which is based on tried and true, proven principles. The product decoration was provided by another of Turbine Industries companies, which specialises in flowery and artistic designs, based on art works of the 16th Century......)

 

 

 

 

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Dear NESers. I wouldn't bother ringing Onesie for a week or so as he will be spitting chips ..... because I understand that Eeeeeann will be hitting OT with a bill for the space and bandwidth that he has used up in the above post.

As an added insult/imposition Eeeeannn does not accept Krugerrands and will demand payment in Sth Pacific Pesos (SPPs), which will bugger up the WA economy for the next few months.

"All that blank space costs the Forum Owner (the FO) a heap of cash, not to mentioned the wasted MB's and all that unused white paint. And don't get me started about all those poor unused V's" said Eeeeeann in his best FO's deep cranky voice.

..... at himself.

"Oh, not again" said Turbo, looking down at the mess "That's the 2nd time this week that I've ........

5 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.........demonstrated not only the method of using a crank handle, but provided safety message, years before the OHS era, by showing the dangers of a backfire.

 

As Cappy, draped over a nearby Mulga tree ruefully wiped his face with his hanky, he resolved to tie a note around his right thumb next time. At least then .......

...... he would read the note which contained the acronym/mnemonic "DNSACHUACA" and therefore always remember to lower the landing gear on final (importantavref), but also "Do Not Stick A Crank Handle Up A Camel's Ar.........

4 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Once he asked an old Afghan camel driver what a crank handle was. The old Afghan wasn't sure himself, but said "You just grab it................."

..... and insert it into a hole in the front of the Hillman. Here, mate, let me demonstrate it on the back of this camel, so hold his tail up a bit" at which time the camel ...........

13 hours ago, onetrack said:

inserting it into the crank handle hole, then turning to the correct compass bearing, 

This reminded your beloved Captain of an article in a 1954 edition of "Speedway News" where Turbo was well known for starting practice at each of his Speedway meetings going the wrong way around the track. He would then be given a good thumping by the other drivers down between the dunny and the control tower. "It was never my fault" Turbo was reported as saying each time "It's just that it's always been confusing about whether Speedway goes Clockwise (SGC) or does it go anti-clockwise (SGA) and I still get it wrong even when I use that famous speedway acronym and the even more famous mnemonic ........... but I can't remember which is which .......... so it was always easier to just let the other drivers beat it into me.

That should have read ............ "Hang on there" intervened Turbs "Not you Anus-tazya and you can give that protocol a miss too Glad, but when it comes to .........

9 hours ago, onetrack said:

"I've got them right here", said Annastasia. "They're called the Qld Public Service! But I'm not sure how they'd go on food deliveries, they'd probably say it wasn't on their job description, and......

...... the entire effort dragged to a halt.

"HAVE NO FEAR' TURBO IS HERE" then appeared on 20,000 roadside signs throughout OZ ... and even WA was included as honorary Aussies (respects to all Afrikaaners porst and prezent).

Because "Turbine Vaccines and Potions Pty Ltd" has developed a new jab and all that this procedure needs is to abide by a new protocol that requires all of the vaccinate-ees who are of the female gender to take off their clothes (NTTIAWWTBTW).

"It's a "protocol" for goodness sake, so it must be correct" said a Chief Health Officer.

"Hang on there" intervened Turbs "Not you Asus-tazya and you can give that protocol a miss too Glad, but when it comes to .........

HOW COME ALL OF THE STATE CHIEF HEALTH OFFICERS LOOKS THE SAME?

AND WHY CAN'T THEY AFFORD TO GET THEIR HAIR STYLED ............... OR TO SHAVE?

42 minutes ago, onetrack said:

"Give me his number!" exclaimed Turbo in exasperation. "First off, I need to sack about a 1000 Indians, then I need to.......

.............. actually rethink that, as this is exactly what General Custer said just before the Little Bighorn, and look what ......

THE SIMILARITY BETWEEN GENERAL GEORGE AND POPE/AYATOLLAH TURBO IS STRIKING.

23 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

The meals can be a little late because the delivery trucks don't leave the farms until they have 2,000 hot meals ordered and paid for, a system invented by the Chinese, and perfected .................

..... almost immediately by the ......

23 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

[Turbo has become so popular that car manufacturers are capitalising on his success by bringing out "Turbocharged" car models] .....

.... for which Turbine Industries receives a royalty on a car by car basis. This resulted in Mercedes and Kawasaki both opting for Supercharging in order to save costs. TI are contemplating court action as they think that Turbo is a "super" individual, so this will ultimately be licensable too. 

Geeeeezzz NESers, my best mate Turbo is a goer.

As announced above about his present run for Pope and his parallel preparations to run for the Iranian Ayatollahship (which both require the incumbent to cark it).

[Those preparations include getting new outfits designed so that both roles will look the same and he therefore won't have to get changed between gigs.]

But there is more ........ as I have just now been advised by my other close mate, Rupert Murdock, that Turbo has purchased Channel 143 on Foxtel and has named it after himself (Tubb is a great bloke but is also an egomaniac).

Turbo is now a celebrity that is known globally.

19 hours ago, turboplanner said:

......the belts and roads project, which we've saved by permanently ending the road to NSW and ACT at Wodonga, so that Scottish person can't interfere with it and after taking President XI on a loop around Victoria during his secret visit where he met Victorian children from the Catholic schools and asked them to get into the Bishops to ensure they voted for Turbo, by the time they reached Lakes entrance they'd decided to run the round around the beach to Tasmania and include that state in Western Victoria. "We'll take all the wheat you can grow, all the lamb and beef you can send, gold from your Gold Mi, robster, fish, Brugums, and Brow Col" 

To celebrate this, Turbo took a leaf out of Glays's book and organised a Gigantic No Mask Party to celebrate the deal. "We have to learn to live with Covid" he said, and living starts with business profits, but the following week...............

......... his minders came up with the same old stuff "We are all in this together" spoken in a preprepared advert by Russell Magpie, Brian Fawn, Hoges and Crint Westward, who had all just flown in on their private jets from India via Japan, where they had met with the Palacechook to do a quick $2 million promo for her Orympics bid and to watch Souths play Melbourne in a stadium with 50,000 people.

Turbo & the CT found the Covid double standards (CDS) really annoying, but they weren't too concerned, as the Turbine Whorehouses and Soup Kitchens Ltd (TWASKL) brothels are still operating .... maskless .... and the ..........

37 minutes ago, Captain said:

DISCLAIMER & RELEVANT BREAKING NEWS - TURBINE INDUSTRIES HAVE TODAY SUBMITTED AN OFFER TO PURCHASE THE VATICAN BANK. STAY TUNED.

FURTHER DISCLAIMER & NEW NEWS - IN AN ADDITIONAL FLANKING COMMERCIAL MOVE, AS WELL AS MAKING THE OFFER ON THE EUROPEAN BANKING MARKET, TI HAS TODAY UNVEILED A RELATED TACTIC IN CASE ITS OFFER FALLS SHORT.

TURBINE INDUSTRIES IS PLEASE TO ANNOUNCE THAT THEIR CHAIRMAN, TURBO, HAS SUBMITTED A 249D NOTICE & HAS DISCLOSED HIS ASSOCIATED CANDIDACY TO RUN FOR THE POSITION OF THE NEXT POPE ............ AS SOON AS HE CAN ARRANGE TO HAVE THIS ONE POISONED.

IN AN EXCLUSIVE STATEMENT, TURBO SAID "WE EXPECT SUCCESS, EVEN THOUGH I HAVE BEEN A CALATHUMPIAN ALL MY LIFE, BUT I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT (BLUESBROSREF) AND AM NOW READY TO LEARN .......... INCLUDING A CRASH COURSE ABOUT THE 23 STAGES OF THE CROSS".

AS TURBO IS ALSO ELECTIONEERING AT PRESENT TO BE THE NEXT AYATOLLAH OF IRAN, ALL NES READERS WILL, WE FEEL SURE, BE INTERESTED TO SEE HOW THIS ALL PLAYS OUT OVER COMING MONTHS.

"BEING SUCH A CLOSE MATE, AND KNOWING TURBO'S PERSONAL CAPABILITIES AS I DO, HE COULD EASILY DO BOTH JOBS" VOLUNTEERED RATTY.

57 minutes ago, onetrack said:

"Well the last bit is easy", said Ratty. "But the other requirements are just plain onerous and overbearing, and makes Victoria look like an extension of Jinpings rules and......

...... that is pretty normal for the new Victorakong. But how will you pay your way?"

"No wuckers" responded Tubb "WA might have Iron Ore and a bit of gold, but we have VicPol."

"You're right, old friend." responded Ratso with great respect "As the quantum of bribes that VicPol can amass in a year far outweighs the foreign exchange earnings that Iron Ore and Gold exports bring into WA ............... and that doesn't even take into account the cash splash that came in from the Vatican (respects to all Popes, Bishops, Alter Boys and lay-Catholics past & present) for the payoffs associated with the Pell trial."

"Spot on Ratty, my dear friend and best ever mate, and don't forget that we also have ......

DISCLAIMER & RELEVANT BREAKING NEWS - TURBINE INDUSTRIES HAVE TODAY SUBMITTED AN OFFER TO PURCHASE THE VATICAN BANK. STAY TUNED.

..... stale bucket of .....

....... as is usually the habit in juntas, one of the dogs thought that he could pxss the highest and said to Dan "Did you see what happened in Haiti last week?" as he ran his fingers across his throat.

Dan did a spoonful and asked "Was that another one of Onesie's?".

Mark smiled knowingly but didn't directly answer the question, instead he responded "All I can say is that the hit had all the hallmarks of Onesie's ....

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

This reminded Turbo of two decades ago when he started his Happy Cat restaurant chain which has now spread to every major city and town in China, featuring a giant yellow stuffed Tom waving his welcoming paw, and ...............

........ spraying (Turboref) on every female moggy that walked past the Happy Cat, which saw him arrested on charges of .....