Captain

9 hours ago, turboplanner said:

 

British got to hear of my recture and I in trouble with ....................................

 

.... TANBoBoS (The All Nippon Bouncing Bomb Society) who leckon they invented it first & they think I have brabbed, however I can easily prove that this was in the pubric domain, because we used these items up the Yangtze when we attacked ......

17 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

no one noticed any difference until........

......... I gave a speach at the Smithsonian on the plincipals of the Bouncing Bomb, specificary deveroped by Kawasaki Heavy Industlies after a few of their engineers had too much saki, and clied Kawa....... 

52 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.....this wore the aileron hinges which were made out of bronze welding rod. The aerodynamic flutter [avref] .......................................

..... reminded OET and OAC (as well as Ernie, Dave, Kath, Noel, Stan and Doug), of the corroboree noises from the time that they all spent soaking up the culture for months and months in a primitive outback camp, 500 kms north of Leonora & 300 kms west of Nowhere In Particular (NIP).  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ("Why you bling me back into this clappy storly?" asked the Nob.)

(This all happened soon after the outback war, when OET and OAC had their bleeding stumps giving them both grief .... OAC's from a battlefield amputation in shocking conditions, and OET from some cosmetic surgery he opted for in the groin area, that went pear-shaped in a cheap hospital in Bangladesh).

Stan went particularly native and threw off his ABC mantra, his $100 haircuts and his $5000 suits in order to join OET in an evocative ......

28 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

..........learn to hop."

OET thought for a while, realising it was true, so he leaned on a wall and pushed himself up with his one leg, and began to hop. Soon he was hopping down to the supermarkets, hopping down to the pub, hopping up to watch the football. This got him thinking he could learn to fly. "If Douglas Bader could do it, so can I" he said to himself, and he started taking lessons at the Western Australia Flying Academy run by .................

..... a character known all over the WA flying scene as One Arm Charlie, who had lost his right arm in the WA Border Wars between Clive Palmer and Marky Mark McGowan.

One Arm Charlie (OAC ..... but not the obnoxious lefty AOC with the bad attitude but pretty nice t**s) used to work as a juggler, but his earnings were halved as a result of the war, even though juggling fast & throwing knives at spinning ladies is harder with just one arm.

So OAC bought a fleet of 20 Jabirus to start a flying school, before realizing that you need a right arm to fly them. He then bought 20 Logitech toggles in an attempt to emulate the controls in a Sirus or Airbus, but all that did was allow him to be distracted with playing Pakman or Mario Bros on the electronic dashboard.

With OET joining OAC to learn to fly, and having to reach over the instructor (sic) to grab his toggle ("Don't worry about crossed controls and all that flying garbage, I bet you can't beat 505 and get Mario to jump 4 levels" was OAC's standard challenge) was a recipe for constant circling and ..........

14 hours ago, onetrack said:

Accordingly, they passed the word around the bush telegraph, and lo and behold, who should turn up, but........

...... Earnie Dingo, David Gulpallil (respects etc), Kathy Freeman, Noel Pearson, Stan Grant and Neville Bonner (respects etc). 

"That why you keep falling over, eh, One Emu Track (OET)?" said Dave (respects etc) "You only make'n one track because you only got one leg, and you too silly to even .......

2 hours ago, onetrack said:

.....said, "you blokes haven't seen anything like radicalised, until you've seen a bunch of West Australian bogans denied their Ugg boots, KFC and Maccas, burnouts, and hotted-up VS Commodores. They make the Taliban and Tom Starcevich look like pussycats, as they go on the warpath, demanding their proper bogan entitlements and ..........

.... new flannel shirts for life, plus participation in The Voice ........

12 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.......denied of course; he was from New South Wales and we all know.........

.... that they make the Taliban look like handsome .......

4 hours ago, turboplanner said:

........sequel to 9/11, probably instigated by Scomo, and if not, that Turnbul character or Tony the Bike, a well known lycra model from Sydney. Albo told the Canberra Press Club, that he was going to order the Army to attack Kabul, but not to tell anyone. Cappy realised it wouldn't take ASIO long to come after him too, so ...................

...... he asked Turdboy, another well-known bomb-chucker (figuratively speaking of course, ..... although his figure is nothing to write home about), for asylum in Moorabbistan, a request which was .....

On 11/05/2023 at 4:37 PM, turboplanner said:

.....ears, or would have been if he took his fingers out of them. At the end of the training he was about half radicalised, a most dangerous state for Cappy with his ancestry.

He walked around not sure whether to blow up the Sydney Harbour Bridge or send a gunboat up the river to give the people of Parramatta a whiff of grapeshot or ...................

................ just to continue with the happy-go-lucky half of his radicalization, making good money mining Lapis Lazuli up the Beckah Valley, living the good life up the Khyber (the couple of affluent Afghans do that a bit), and smelling the Afghan roses poppies.

But eventually his bad side (the 1st time it had ever been seen in Cappy's distinguished life ..... so the bad 50% radicalization must have been pretty effective), he decided to consult with his Aussie Taliban brothers in western Sydney and around Moorabbin, who had been in OZ for a couple of years to form sleeper cells, but instead they had gone on the dole, slept most of the day, and bought Harleys ......... to form the Hells Prophets outlaw motorcycle gang (prospects were only allowed to ride Tata scooters).

They had all developed an Aussie sense of humour (Afghan blokes can be real dags) "We'd blow up Parramatta and whiff up the people on the Harbour Bridge", so Cappy did.

But when he did, the tourists on the Harbour Bridge said "What are you doing whiffing down there, and the great Taliban Sydney Harbour Bridge Whiff Attack (infamously always to be known as the TGTSHBWA) was reported in the SMH as a ..........

8 hours ago, turboplanner said:

....match it with Cappy, so Cappy decided to join ISAS. He knew he would have to go through the radicalisation process but thought he could get through it without being caught up by it, somethig he'd never managed to do before, so he ...............

...... put his fingers in his ears and called out "Nah, Nah, Nah, nah nah" and other phrase book translations all the way through his training.

He really enjoyed making the bombs with fencing wire fuses and the sound of the AK's was like music to his .......

14 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Of Course you were no one in the Control Line crowd without the Turbine branded catskin jacket, but it wasn't long before  the slogan "Rats give you wings!" slogan was seen on Afghan T shirts as Cappy worked his evil magic. Payment was by ........

..... money and Cappy designed an award-winning promotional campaign, stolen borrowed from Turbine Advertising, which showed a handsome virile young red Rat, rampant, on the label of cans of drink laced with Afghani heroin washings, and promoted on several Formula 1 cars, 6 MotoGP teams, the Red Rat Air Races and every other insanely expensive sporting event you can think of (he even took on platinum sponsorship of the Moorabbin Sewer Rats VFL Team [of which Turbo is Patron])..... but the Coup de Grace (or even the Coup de Madge [or the Coup de Coffee Lady]) was that El Ratto was also able to .........

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.....and so Afghanistan returned to peace with people sending their mail orders in from all parts of the country for the 1.5 cc Taipans.

This period in Afghanistan would become known as the Great Dunny Paper Shortages as thousands of Afghans built their aircraft. No one would be garrotted in over a decade because they all needed the wire for control lines.

The control itself was carved out of camel shoulder bone, and this was the longest part of construction, and resulted in camels becoming extinct in Afghanistan.

The competition was supposed to be Afghans only but OT dressed in a Thirty Second Tent wheedled he was in, and bought a Frog 1.5cc, bored out to 1.67 and using a balanced crankshaft and a fuel mix containing 42% greater Ether proportions. There was the issue that unless the motor started withing six flicks, the owner passed out, but this was offset by a power and rpm far greater than the 2.5 cc Taipan, so OT knew he was on a winner, but he didn't know that...........................

.... every 3rd flick, a finger gets damaged and every 6th attempt to start, a finger is lost, particularly when using the razor-sharp titanium props off the 12,500 American drones that were left as departure gifts for the T'ban.

As a result, several hundred Afghan kiddies, who were using the titanium props (as supplied to the US military by Wilkinson Sword) would never again know the pleasure of picking their noses in the Afghan dust, or of picking their ........

ONE OF THE MOST DEDICATED TITANIUM PROP FLICKERS IN KABUL.

"No worries" he said "I'll just do it left-handed from here on. Plus, I'm going to join into a Class Action against Wilkinson Sword, as there is a big quid to be made.".

15 hours ago, turboplanner said:

....ether and castor oil, which made a powerful fuel for the Bluehead in the Truster and produced enough extra power to ..............................

...... be provided as a UN aid package to Afghanistan, to be used as aftershave in an attempt to have Taliban guys concentrate on the ladies and not on the goats.

There was, however, a powerful black market for the stuff and the Taliban Boss Cocky thought that the nippers were buying it to sniff and forget their considerable woes "Who can blame them" he said "As this joint has become a real sh*thole since we took over".

But the children were not sniffing it, as every cloud has a silver lining (avref) and the side benefit was that there are now thousands of Afghan kids using the aftershave to fuel control-line models in the parks and bombed out recreational rubble. Most have UN issued 1.5 cc Taipan diesels, but there is always one poser who turns up with a 2.5 and wants to take everyone on with combat flying (In Kabul they use thrice-used Taliban issued dunny paper as the tail). In this case it is Accchhhmed who has the 2.5 (he is the budding Turbo of Kabul) and who ..........

ACCCCHHHHHY'S 2.5, WITH WHICH HE TERRORISES ALL THE KIDS WITH 1.5s

(And yes, dear Readers, this does reflect one of Crappy's (many) traumas when he flew control line combat in the parks around Concord).

On 06/05/2023 at 9:03 PM, turboplanner said:

The stall holder bought it from Kabul, which 

....... had been electronically matched to Ahlox's musk by an Afghani entrepreneur who distilled it specially from sweat derived from Taliban armpits, mixed with ....... 

On 06/05/2023 at 9:03 PM, turboplanner said:

....Turbo had to explain that steers didn't go on heat,

Well, Turbo's steers must be different to Cappy's steers, because mine jump each other regularly and because Cappy is a quite attractive man, they sometimes even eye him off. Sometimes down in the paddock it is worse than being at the BOB on grab-a-grandpa night.

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

.....it might prompt him to remove the Captain's suspension from the BoB before he is Knighted next month.  Like Trump, Caffy had bluffed his way through the secret Senate Hearings to the point where he was smelling like a rose and his detractors were smelling like .................

......Ahlo's depiction of old Bob's hair dressing, which was from a prime Angus steer on heat, so ...........

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

..... remove the Captain's suspension .....

(CORRECTION - The management of Wreck Flying are well aware that this should have read "the Captain's suspenders". [NTTIAWWT} MODERATOR 16).

EXPLANATION : Meanwhile Ahlox was onto a run of performances that were diened to be so good that it will outlast JC Superstar on Broadway (3,700 days) as Loxie had set up a one-man show playing "Bob at the BOB", 7 nights a week + 5 matinees/week just for pensioners or older (he just takes their uncashed cheques). AUF members are admitted free if they agree to leave their walking frames in the foyer. So as to not run out of material Loxie plays Bob Marley for the 1st 2 hours then Bob Dillon (in sh*tty dreadlocks) for the 2nd half of the show.

5 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.....power it with my phone.” Such is the electrical knowledge by the general Public, and....

..... awarded him the title of "Robber of Loxley".

It was supposed to be "Robin of Loxley" but some of the palace wags though it wise to start Chuck's reign with a bit of a giggle, thought that was way funnier, and thought it suited Lox because without his make-up he looks a bit like Dick Turpin on Speed, .... and also because .....

4 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.....dollar short of the runway, and ............

.... a sandwich short of a picnic, because ....

8 minutes ago, onetrack said:

numerous weapons were trained on the Drifter as it descended for another landing attempt. But as Loxie reached an altitude of around 200 feet, he heard an almighty.....

.... voice from above.

"Is that you Turbo" he said "Can you give me a few tips on how to land this thing when the Mall is full of people."

"Don't worry my son." replied Turbs "They will scatter when they realise that you only have 4% charge remaining, after all, you have been in the air (avref) for all of 10 minutes and you are a .......

10 hours ago, turboplanner said:

......hundred dollar bills. Loxie is so tight he can compress them into little balls which he keeps in his hair in case his house is burgled. And they all lapsed into silence because they realised no one could ever be as smart as Loxie. Why only last week ......................

..... Loxley appeared as a radical Rastafarian in a play at the Wagga Centre for Fine Arts (known locally as The F'arts), based on the life of Bob Marley, where Lox's part was to play Bob at both ends of his life.

As a young Bob he fashioned the $100 bills into tassels as shown in the below photo.

As old Bob, Loxie was able to play himself, but will 20 kgs of cow dung plastered into his Archbishopy hair, also see below.

The performance was a triumph and Loxley has now been booked to play .........

LOXIE AS YOUNG BOB, ABOUT TO GO ON FROM STAGE RIGHT.

He enjoyed the little bit of cross-dressing.

LOXIE AS OLD BOB, ALL DUNGED UP ... DOWN ON THE BANKS OF THE MURRUMBIDGEE.

He stayed in character and performed Sunday Mass like this last weekend. "It was easier to stay in character than to have to follow & stick my head under another cow" he commented when interviewed by the Daily Advertiser.

12 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

His crew members nodded .....

.....and said "Yeah no ..... he asked for short back and sides, not a crew cut, and those aren't lice, they are ....

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

....the people of Sodom, sorry, Wagga Wagga, to the point where they began to smite ..............................

.... and recite biblical quotes.

One even became confused with his Sodoms and his Gomorrahs and his Davids and his Goliaths, to the point where he snuck up and started to cut Archbishop Lox's locks.

"Steady on mate" ABL said "My name is not Sam, son, but while you are there, I wouldn't mind a short back and sides to make me look more Archy Bishop-like, and to ........

8 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Colourless Noise had come to Wagga .............

........ and did not really care who or what it smoted.

(Even Archbishop Lox was concerned, and he doesn't usually care about too much unless it affects his till).

With smote after smote, CN became more callous and was soon despised by .....

15 hours ago, turboplanner said:

......lost chords. Not many people know that he's the songwriter for Ed Sheeran, and as the world enters this new frightening phase where global warming  has dried up all the song material, plentiful in the days of Frank Sinatra and Elvis Presley, but hard to find a new song that isn't already copyrighted these days, Turbo feels that if he can discover the lost chord, he will be able to market a whole new raft of music.

 

And much the same is happening with aviation where Wreck A owners are now aspiring to those popular Cessnas which are talked about in the Newspapers, and wanting to buy the heavier aircraft that were previously considered ony good enough for students and flying over to the neighbour's airstrip to borrow a drawbar pin/tin of drench/half a dozen rabbit traps etc.

 

And Turbo asks the question: "If 200 posts in a thread offer advice on how to check the tyre pressure in an Ultralite, wouldn't it be silly if there were no Ultralites?

........ (in the usual spirit of NES cooperation, Ratty is going to assume that there were .......s at the end of Tink's last post, & that he just ran out of ink) ..... and therefore, with no Ultralites, there were no tyres about which to debate for 200 posts. ("I agree" said Moderator 5 "As I was trying to find a reason to shut down that thread since post #8).

Turbo has been known by his mates for some time as the Bob Dylan of our generation (which is a bit strange, as Bob, Turdboy and Ratty ARE of the same generation) and Ed Shearem (a unique dual member of both the Country Music Hall of Fame and the Shearer's Hall of Fame) obviously recognizes Tubb's ability after he heard his version of Blowing in the Wind.

Turdboy's name was also proven to be well founded when his discovery of the "Lost Chords" (as admitted above) accidentally crossed over with his unfortunate discovery of the "Brown Noise" and as a result everyone within 1000 m of Turbo when he played it, involuntarily filled their .........

7 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.......perhaps there was even more to learn, like how to check the tyre pressure in an Ultralite, which..........

...... is a name long gone in the annals of Aussie aviation (avref) history and unacceptable in modern AUF society (many of the yuppy "plastic fantastic" younger flyers feel unsafe and confronted by the use of such words) which just goes to show that Turbo is now, perhaps increasingly while at his keyboard, recalling yesteryear while fiddling with his .........