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red750

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Posts posted by red750

  1. This guy is sitting having breakfast. His wife sits down and sighs.

     

    "What's the matter with you?" he asks.

     

    "It's that new married couple across the street. Every morning when he leaves for work, she follows him to the gate, and he gives her a hug and a passionate kiss goodbye. Why don't you do that?

     

    "Good Lord, woman! I hardly know her!" he replied.

     

    Peter.

     

     

    • Haha 2
  2. A Glasgow lawyer went duck hunting in rural Aberdeenshire . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

     

    As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

     

    The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

     

    The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Scotland and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

     

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Mintlaw. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

     

    The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

     

    The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

     

    The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

     

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

     

    His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

     

    Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

     

     

     

    (I love this part)

     

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

     

     

    • Like 1
    • Haha 10
    • Caution 1
  3. Hints on how to liven up your idle hours...

     

    To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

     

    1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars...watch 'em Slow Down!

     

    2. On all your cheque stubs, write ' For Marijuana'!

     

    3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get.

     

    4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

     

    5. Sing Along At The Opera.

     

    6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'

     

    7. When Leaving the Zoo, start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

     

    8. Tell Your Children over dinner: 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go...'

     

    And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity:

     

    9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

     

     

    • Haha 6
  4. Two elderly ladies were talking.

     

    “At our age, I don’t know what would be worse;

     

    Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?" one said.

     

    Her wise friend answered, “Oh I’d rather have Parkinson’s,

     

    definitely Parkinson’s. Better to spill half my wine than to

     

    forget where I keep the bottle."

     

     

    • Haha 2
    • Caution 1
  5. Blonde races into the family all excited.

     

    "Guess what, I'm pregnant."

     

    Family, "Hey, that's great."

     

    Blonde: "Not only that, I'm having twins."

     

    "But you just found out. How do you know it's twins?"

     

    " I bought a twin pack of pregnancy tests at the chemist, and they both said "Pregnant"."

     

     

  6. The Fridge

     

     

     

    I got home and found the Missus had left a post-it note on the fridge saying,

     

    "It's no good, it's not working, I'm staying at Mum’s for a while"

     

     

     

    I opened it, the light came on and the beer was well chilled.

     

     

     

    What the hell was she on about?

     

     

    • Like 1
    • Agree 1
    • Haha 6
    • Winner 1
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