Captain

56 minutes ago, onetrack said:

Accordingly, there were a lot of Turbine aviation designs that didn't come back. Whether this was due to......

.....tally to unsafe sh1tty aircraft that eventually CWT'd, with pilots & aircraft never to be seen again, or whether the TI pilots just headed straight over to the strip at Sims Metals in order to maximize their return, before buggering off to hide out in some WA sand agglomeration mining operation, nobody knew, but then .....

On 30/01/2026 at 1:11 PM, turboplanner said:

There were skidmarks all over the place and ......

.... 4 or 5 people near the downpipe on the shelter shed actually did a spoonful, while some others would have certainly filled a scruple measuring cup, and those people needed a cleanup with a fire hose, not just a change of under garment.

It is little known that after Turbs completed his driving duties across all Aussie speedway venues, including kicking Al Unser's a$s, he wanted to stay involved in the Speedway scene to continue to show his support for the sport ................... but more-so to try for an eventual AO for Services to Speedway in case he missed out on the AO for Services to the Trucking Industry.

So, Turbo became a mechanic specialising in Speedway bikes and that locked on throttle in the video was one of his earliest attempts to influence a race because he felt that the rider wasn't trying hard enough.

As Turbo has so often said in press interviews "If the throttle stays full on for longest, you simply MUST win the race".

It is, however, just possible that the rider (and the crowd) might have disagreed, but in true Turbine family tradition, Turbo said ".....

15 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Turbo was startled at the difference; he'd been circumscribed when he was a baby, and all his life he had suffered ongoing pains. He now realises he should have been Inscribed or ......

.... whatever is needed to make it look bigger.

Turbo has been full waxing for many years in the hope of achieving that result, but now realised that a comprehensive Back, Crack and Sack wax, + a quick snip to be Inscribed might do the trick, and make him look more desirable on the Turbine Media's Senior's version of Tinder, called Re-Kindle, so he ......

15 hours ago, onetrack said:

When Turbo politely informed Cappy, that he really was operating the joystick with 300mm of mud on the floor, Cappy said, "But.....

..... what is that in feet, Tubb, as I have never come to grips with this confusing metric stuff. Being of the "right age", and being in Juvenile Detention on the 14th of February 1966, I have always been happier measuring length in Barleycorns or Lines, and evaluating area in Oxgangs.

As my best mate Turbo knows from visiting Crappy's Farm at YKKA 6 or 8 times each year, the speed limit on the expressway is 12,992,133 Barleycorns per hour, we are located 54,330,738 Barleycorns north of Moorabbin, our driveway is 283,465 Lines long, where Tubb & I shoot a heap of foxes on our 23 Oxgangs of prime rural land.

I also use the Firkin as my prime unit to measure volume, and that is also very popular in WA where it is often stated that there is "a furkin lot of sand".

This all comes back to the equally quaint fact that, even though Turdy and bull don't have any, the fuel capacity of a Drifter is exactly 38,400 apothecarial fluid Scruples, so when you refuel one you need to .....

6 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

......teach the students how to catch dugongs and sea turtles, and train them to ....................

..... perform in Normanton before the huge crowds at "Mud World", where the .....

5 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Cappy was doomed to the punishment of the "light" treatment of the "Gin" peoples referred to by some people as the "Gin Gin Light"

Just as Cappy got the Thruster back under control, a bright green light  flashed in his eyes. When he turned his head to avoid it, it moved to face him again and it hit his ...........

..... razor sharp consciousness that the Gin Gin Light was real (Cappy had always been told that these lights were the result of methane escaping from Rod Marsh, which he then lit as a party trick).

As Cappy examined the light, he realised that it was a quite good looking middle-aged aboriginal lady with the sun at her 6, shimmering through her wispy cotton dress, and carrying a glinting bottle of Tanqueray that had already been polished off via a chug-a-lug, then filled again with a chaser of Creme de Menthe.

As a result, the aboriginal lady was also looking a bit green, around the gills, but she bravely continued to teach the school kids and to .....

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

..... spinning around so fast that he couldn't tell whether he was going up or down. He'd been caught in one of Foxhunter's Willy Willys and it lifted him so high that he had to turn on the Oxygen. He'd nicked an oxygen bottle from the Bombay Goodness Hospital, or thought he had, but it was laughing gas, and when the Thruster extracted itself it zoomed down over central Bombay and scared the crap out of the citizens with the loud hysterical laughter, it ....

.... was a frightening experience for the "Gin" peoples, (some would say "tribe", but they are more than that) who dominated Bombay culture at that time, with their early Cargo Cult practices, their worship of the multi armed Turbine deity (one of the girls at his school had accused him of being "All hands"), their red transverse spring sportscars made from papier mache and their poorly built full sized Thrusters that were actually better constructed than the original.

That, and more Gin than you can shake a swagger stick at, is a fatal yet fun mix that meant that .....

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

......... if he came across that Ace from Bombay, it might be just enough distraction. Cappy had climbed as close to the sun as he dared, which in his  Military Thruster was 500 feet AGL, when .........

... his fingernails went blue, so it was either the extreme altitude or his nail polish must have been old stock, and his Up/Down meter thingy went ....

.... also had 2 Aussie roundels displayed below his cock-pit, so that .....

53 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

As Cappy crept along, Kukri at the ready, he heard a fart. Immediately 24 eyes glowed white with laughter........

..... then fell over from the levity, after which they stood then turned to moon Cappy.

All Cappy saw was 12 bullseyes similar to Turbo's, except that these were in better nick, so he raised the three-oh, set the sights for "perineum" and started to plug them from left to right, with a clip change after # 10 had been torn a new one.

Luckily Blu Tak, or Bluey to his mates, was #12 and Cappy recognized him, mid moon, from the size of his ......

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.....'d observed that the natives had been restless a number of nights and in various films. The Tom Toms had been beating so late in the night lately that Cappy had had to get up and tell them to be quiet.

This night was different; the cicadas had stopped, the Tom Toms had stopped and Cappy could hear the rain drops falling on the palm leaves out in the jungle. An eery green glow came from the path to the south and he could see flitting shadows of ........

..... what he thought could be a foreboding, and while he could be unpredictable at times, as confirmed by Turbo recently, he was also careful in the extreme when his best mate had gone Ni-Nis and Cappy had a duty, even above the usual obligations of mateship, to protect Tink, so Cappy walked, Kukri in hand, bravely but carefully towards the eerie green glow and he ......

.... who had been "goosed" a number of times in the past, was therefore very wary, and he ......

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

This gave Cappy enough time to fill the group with ball ammo, which ......

..... made them whinge a bit too, so poor old Cappy had complaints & whining in stereo, so that encouraged him to ......

35 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

..........tooth, and the last one in his mouth. He was nicknamed "Gummy" for a while, but late at night would pull out the Kukri and lay it on the table. After a day on the Bombay Gin he could be unpredictable so the "Gummy" name was quickly dropped.

 

It was on one of those nights that...........

.... the Crappy/Turdbine friendship was consummated, when several Natives decided to initiate a sneak attack because they knew that Tubb couldn't handle his Gin, and Crappy would be "unpredictable" as Turbo so correctly said above.

So picture the scene, Dear Readers. Turbo was in the middle of a sad funk thinking of some previous lady that had let him get somewhere near it, Gin soaked, sweaty in the Khyber heat, and still whinging about the healing bullet hole next to his.

Crappy was alert as usual, even while listening to Tubb's 23rd pathetically sad story about the same lady, yet he had the Kukri and his Three-Oh + 20 clips of ball ammo at the ready, as the Native band approached and ..... 

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

........Mementos from "The Pass" as it was known, including the notepaper where Cappy had had to write over and over again "I must not cower down just because a Ghurka lifted his head in the other trenches", and the Teddy Bear he kept under his pillow and .........

.... his lucky rabbit's foot (which is still attached to the rabbit so that it can be lucky too), his personal coconut oil, and most importantly of all, his Jabaroota (Jabiru, & not The Hutt) keyring containing his best ....

Few people know how close Tubb's comments are to the bone, as when growing up, at about 14 yo and 2 ft shorter than he is now, Crappy spent time in a Gurkha Regiment (Tubb's misspelling is a dire insult) in order to increase his efficiency with the use of the Kukri, a skill in which Crappy is very proficient and as a result he kills silently & makes mean sushi.

Crappy's personal kukri is seen below

22 hours ago, Captain said:

.... difficult situations of breakages, until Achmal Selley, from the Sellulite culture, invented a new range of products to stick the Sphinx back together, and one of Dian Fossey's mates came up with Gorilla Grip to stick the end back on Dian's .....

.... Swagger Stick, which Dian uses to belt the gorillas that play up a bit.

The irony of the mention of a Swagger Stick is important, as Turbo had one up the Khyber, and his had a 50 cal projectile on the top and a 50 cal expended case on the other end, so a thick bit of wood with metal weights on each end, with which to flog the troops.

As an insider joke that brought much merriment to the entire battalion, and giggles from the natives on the other side, the Doctors presented Turbs with a chopstick-based Swagger Stick, fitted with the warped & slightly mushroomed three-oh projectile that was extracted from his ding, with a .22 LR case on the other end.

Turbo has always had a great sense of humour and camaraderie, so he immediately donated that to the Battalion Museum where it can be seen today, including with the bits of Turbo that are still attached to the projectile, and the other ......

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

And that, dear NES readers is the history of Araldite C:turbineglue 57BC still used today in..........

.... difficult situations of breakages, until Achmal Selley, from the Sellulite culture, invented a new range of products to stick the Sphinx back together, and one of Dian Fossey's mates came up with Gorilla Grip to stick the end back on Dian's .....

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Neb II like many, decided Turbo was just kidding for fame, and tramped home, built a Recreational Aircraft with clay, feathers and wax, and that's all we have to say about Neb II.

Which was a bit of a shame for Neb III, because he never had the chance to be conceived.

4 hours ago, Captain said:

Turbo also got into strife at school for writing on clay with little wedges and for telling rude jokes in Aramaic. 

Below, Dear Readers, is one of my most precious possessions, having been given to me by Turbo when we were both about 13.

It contains the nursery-rhyme "Mary Had a Little Goat" in his own cuneiform hand/wedge writing, plus a filthy ditty from an old story from one of Turbo's towelhead ancestors, about a dirty weekend away in Babylon.

As you can see, they really knew how to play up in those days ..... and where the myth about 72 virgins got started.

21 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

NES reader will have noted Cappy's instant recognition when Turbo occasionally drops into his ancestral language; he's like a seagull on a potato chip.

it is also little known, Dear Readers, that it was a direct anticedent of Turbo's who was the 1st Hunter-Gatherer to ever grow wheat, hence the origin of Turbine-Tip Top, which in the Mesopotamian lingo means Toasty White Bread.

Turbo also got into strife at school for writing on clay with little wedges and for telling rude jokes in Aramaic. 

21 hours ago, turboplanner said:

...they all turned to each other and started saying "We didn't realise that" Eventually with sone prodding........

.... ,"sone" being a Mesopotamian word meaning "a few" or "several", and 1st discovered by Turbine Archaeology when they broke the Cuneoform writing code using Turbine AI.

'We don't need no stinking AI" said a TA spokesman "As we have access to the great man himself & he broke the code before smoko, + quicker than that gay dude played by Bendabit Cumabatch, at Bletchley Park, before he .....

18 minutes ago, CT9000 said:

.......turned to look at the 35 year old CFA fire truck struggling by as he heard the polly voice in the radio rabbiting on about all the new trucks the Vic guvmnt had bought ......

.... and with that Crappy remembered Ahlox's prophetic words "We only fight fires that are on the flat, because we can't get up any big hills ........... and if it gets over 40C at any time, we are entitled to stand down & go home, just like the teachers and the polys do".

This reflected badly on the NSW & Vic Gumnts and they issued a statement that said ......

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.........dropping in to his Captain Cook authoritative voice...........Goldylox could see a four hour sermon coming up and he was busy trying to fit crossover pipes to the latest RFS trucks which was all sirens and no drive wheels. So he started to talk about the Bombay days. As some of us know to our cost, Loxy is a rabid researcher. Nothing escapes him. He even found out Turbo when in Primary school had tied his girfriend's knickers to the school flagpole. Cappy quickly changed the subject and remembered he had to be out at the airfield polishing up his round outs ..........

.... (Plethora of avrefs), but then the penny dropped for poor old Crappy, when he realised that Loxy was just trying to drive a wedge into the relationship to have Crappy dump on his best mate and comrade of many decades.

Crappy turned and said "A pox on you Ahlox (Shakespearref), for while I am prepared to grant you a conditional coffee-drinking & flying mateship, I cannot entertain attacks on the TurgidPlonker even if he isn't entertaining."

Then Crappy continued on "As Turbo so often says to me, Amicus est amicus and then as I so often respond Sodālis est sodālis, so sod-off-Ahlox (discede Ahloxus) if you cannot accept my loyalty to a long-term mate, or my penchant for Latin on occasions.

Ahlox immediately replied "I, capetane, in malam crucem!" (because AI does not translate "F U Crappy" which is what he actually said), and Loxly then .......

8 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.......hampoo. Jacinta was giving one to every CFA volunteer as a small token of thanks to help them clean up after fighting the fires for 25 hours every day. She had mistaken Cappy for a hose volunteer.

As NES readers know, Cappy wouldn't volunteer to get out of bed in the morning unless it was to build his kit Jabiru 235. Cappy of course had a latte friendship with Goldilocks the Fireman and every morning they'd sit in the Bayliss St joint and slag Turbo and call us mextorians. Turbo, a close friend of Jacinta, had informed her of this, and also that Cappy was always coming on to girls. While "girls' might be a stretch in the Victorian Cabinet, the 50% share had grown to 98% squalling females, who'd cut you down if you didn't smile and clap............

.... , and woe betide you if you stood back to let them into the lift first."

It is little known that at the 1st meeting between Goldylox and Crappy, convened to slag off Turbo while sipping caffein, (27 other members of Wreck Flying wanted to attend too, for that very purpose), Crappy asked Loxy for a length of fire hose and a shiny brass nozzle with which to impress receptive ladies and the vulnerable public.

"Those were the days" recollected Crappy as he dwelled on his close association with AhLox and flying in close company with his beer-can all over southern NSW and south of the Rio-Murray.

As Goldylox so often said "You'd think that we would run out of issues about which to slag off Mextoria and TurdBoy, but the opportunities just keep on coming like a shooting gallery".

"I don't like those needle joints either" said Cappy, ever the stalwart for civic morality. "And I'll tell you another thing Loxy" he added "......

16 hours ago, turboplanner said:

........you're an Allen key?"

She gave Cappy the coldest glare he had ever seen; it was saying "Land Tax, Land Tax" and frightened Cappy so much that he blurted, "I'm from New South Wales" This really tipped the bucket over and ........

.... Crappy bought a bucket hat just to commemorate it.

However, in true Mextorian fashion, and just like Jacinta, the bucket that tipped over was full of s.....