Captain

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

.........avoid spitting on the floor of the House.

This came to the attention of the Speaker over time, and he spoke (which was his job) to the Labor Party recommending this skinny South American, whose nickname was "Snarler" Keating, be pushed up the tree.

And so it was that Snarler .....

.... was relocated into a half-grown eucalyptus tree that was growing in a big pot at the back corner of the chamber, which was so placed as to be available to provide leaves if a short notice smoking ceremony was called for, ..... or if Parliamentarians wanted to disguise the smell of weed smoke.

A stuffed Koala made from kangaroo skin (surely an ironic feature of the Aussie tourist industry) had been zip tied into the tree by Lidya, and the other 2 non-Christian ladies had also attached a snow globe containing the likeness of the Ayatollah (they all look the same, so nobody knows which one it is).

"Snarler" (no, not Jacky Lambie) found that when perched in the 2nd Y in the tree, he could still spit on the floor and also on the back 2 rows of the Labor Party, so he made more friends due to his ....

Lid's Koala

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

Brought up on the dry biscuits, young Sau Paulo was very skinny and remained so for the rest of his life.  He changed his name and became a proud Australian citizen, Paul Keating, who never missed.......

..... his life in the favelas of SP and who never again sucked on a dry Sao, because the packet after packet that his mum had forced him to eat had damaged his saliva glands (sucked 'em dry they did) to the point where he needed to .....

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

..... so Turbo took part in the below the line SM campaign. .....

Dear NES readers. While Turbo would prefer that this abbreviation stand for Social Media campaign or Samsung Mobile campaign, Cappy knows from his time up the Khyber with Turbo, and from seeing the post politics behavior of little SPK, that Turdy is actually referring to a Sado Masochistic Camp-Pain.

Hence why both SPK and Turbs have been rejected as One Nation candidates in the next Vicmanistan State Election, as they both cum with too much baggage, even for Mextoria.

14 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.........sneaked into the Bone CWA Rooms (Remember them, the CWA women always said "CWA Rooms" but they only had on pokey little room) and quietly  nicked a dried arrangement from the wall. Mavis woke from her afternoon nap and.......

..... said "Someone has knocked off my dried arrangement", but then she put on more makeup and spent an inordinate amount of time explaining that hers is not dry and is arranged in a conventional fashion.

While bull doesn't mind that, he actually prefers the arrangement from the country that includes the major city of Sao Paulo. (It is little known, dear NES readers, that this town is the origin of the famous Arnotts dry bickie, which was developed in Sao Paulo by a bloke named Raul Vovo, who sold the recipe to Turbine Bickies and Cakes PL, and they on-sold it to Arnotts for a fortune and a royalty deal. As part of the original contract, TB&CPL also owned any future recipes that Raul might come up with, so when he perfected the Iced Vovo in a favela above Rio, TB&CPL moved quickly to ...... 

13 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Note the school teacher has ditched the shoes ready to join the guy with flour all over himself. This is a Bone Tribe man abd this tribe was the one tnat was always pointing the Bone.

Turbo the Urban Archeologist (UA) is 100% right about this. Bone & the bloke with the flour are definitely the origin of the term "Pointing the Bone" ........... and bull is the origin of the term "Having a Boner".

Once Charlie got the leaves dried out a bit, the ceremony was undertaken by someone who was obviously a very successful hunter.

39 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

"........always look to the front!"

No one there at the Bone International Airport that day can really pinpoint what happened first that day, but Herb left the Raptor in an arc at 700 feet clutching his 'se; the Raptor went nose up but the cunning bluehead quietly put out a claw and it levelled off on final. The other bluehead hurled its pistons left and right and the Raptor glid [Raghead ref] down to a perfect landing. The adoring crowd clapped, the Velcraptor bowed and then walked over and gave Chalie a good belt in the ........

..... ding and said "Quiet while I play the "Welcome-to-Cuntry" recording that Quaintarse have lent me, followed by those cute yet snotty nosed private school kiddies singing that Peter Allan ditty as a bonus cultural embellishment." (Those kiddies were all checked out and endorsed by The Leprechaun himself).

Charlie, ever the opportunist, grabbed a bunch of mango leaves and tried to kick off a Grade 3 Smoking Ceremony (There are 5 grades of Smoking Ceremony, each with their own scale of charges), but like everything else in Bone, those leaves were water-logged, so he ...... 

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

It was herbert who realised these beautiful blue birds didn't have a species name so he wrote to the Queensland Museum suggesting Velcro, after the velcro on his aircraft's harness and Raptor after the name of his airctraft. The Queensland Museum got the name slightly wrong but The Bastard had a species like you and me.

Eventually came the day when Herbert was ready to fly the Raptor. He'd made a second seat for The Bastard, and early in the morning they both climbed on board and .......

.... with his pedal-to-the-metal (Corvetteref), but the correct phraseology was actually with his throttle-lever-to-the fabric, Herb and the Velcraptor (the middle 4 letters is what observers did when they noticed it, with its blue head covered in a pair of Herb's old army surplus goggles, glass lenses and all).

"Hey look, 2 blue heads" said Mavis who knew her 2 strokes (that's all it took with Herb too) & was rostered on by the CWA next to the Tea Urn on their "Beg for Donations Table" at the Bone International & tippy top secret A10 Military (confidentialref) Airport, just as Herb did a beat up with the Rotax 30% over-revving & a harmonic vibration 1/2 developed in the vertical stabilizer, both of which leading to the Velcraptor showing a bit of concern ..... as he/she was sitting where the pistons would go if it all turned to custard due to either a cold or hot seizure (you can and could never be sure which it would be).

Herb tried to calm the Velcraptor, as he knew what damage they could do if they panicked, so Herb trotted out his best calming line to shout above the noise of the wind and the piston slap, which was ......

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

.......the formal Notice going up in the Bone RSL Dining Room:

"DO NOTT FEED THE CASAWERY

IT'S BEHAVIOUR MAY OFFEND

By Order

The Manager"

This led to a night of jokes  that .......

..... the Manager of the Rissole's dining room was a clueless Mextorian Dick, why would Clarry Nott from Nth Bowen Heights want to feed the birds in the 1st place, why the Club Manager was CASA-centric and is he a spy for the aviation control body in Can'tberra, ......... and WTF is a Casawery?"

Then the proper Cassowary jokes were trotted out, ..... including several hilarious puns about the spelling of their .......

4 minutes ago, onetrack said:

Note to Cappy - OT has a hide like a rhinoceros, but is more affable than one, so no worries there. It is good to see that Cappy has been watching lots of cat videos, these are obviously very soothing to his frazzled nerves, after associating with Turbo for extended periods.

Cappy is relieved that OT is so prescient as to be aware of the above, and he notes that OT's hide is thick, yet his insightful mind & sparkling personality are not.

On 14/03/2026 at 7:40 PM, turboplanner said:

..... when that little fart OT .....

Crappy apologizes to OT and his family for the overstatement contained in the above. Tubb can be a little harsh at times.

27 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.......from then on just went street by street laying down one leg in the air and making loud noises.

Street by Street the Cassowaries killed themselves in droves; all except an old one, once a pet of bull's, known as "The Bastard". He ...............

.... had seen what bull got up to in the privacy of his own home, and so "The Bastard" followed bull's licking technique (which concerned many of the CWA ladies [who used to be known as CWA Chicks]) and that resulted in .....

"The Bastard", in the early stages of sitting down and about to lift its leg into the "cat position" or alternatively to assume the "bull position".

..... 3 from the platoon were designated as lookouts stationed on the outer perimeter, while the others sat down for a spell, put one leg in the air, and licked themselves ... then changed over so that every cat had a lick (but only of their own, of course).

Have seen that, the Cassowaries gave it a try and with spurs as dangerous as they are, they killed 30% of their own group, but those that survived enjoyed it a lot.

The Cats saw what happened, and .......

On 14/03/2026 at 7:40 PM, turboplanner said:

One morning ......

..... in response to panicked calls from the Bone Neighborhood Watch, TCF sent an expeditionary force from their sh1thole in the wilds of Vicmanistan, knowing that those gigantic striped, green beret moggies will never come back (not due to fatalities .............. as after all, why would anybody or any animal go back to Mextoria after escaping to Qld?).

The Moggies in this taskforce had been specially trained in fighting against big blue headed birds that have sharp slashing cat-killer spurs, as Turbo had fitted stainless spurs & little blue hoods, to emus as part of the training regime ......... then needed to get rid of 15 tonne's of assorted Emu bits that the moggies had dismembered in training.

When the Moggie taskforce arrived in Bone they said "Geez it's humid (like everyone does), ....... and then they got down to business and ......

A promo photo of the Turbine Cat Farm's top trainee.

Same pussy with cane-farm cammo, and in action in the main street of Bone.

6 hours ago, turboplanner said:

............sneak up to the cars of the illicit Mango pickers, and release a couple of cane toads into the car. When the pickers came back they realized they could never use the car again because of the stink, so with the revers logic of all thieves they took offence, pulled out shotguns and went looking for the person who'd cane-toaded their car and ..........

.... bull, a combat veteran (he had had a lot of bad blues with one of his early girlfriends that had slashed the tyres on his Monaro), didn't run but instead went towards them like a very agro Eastern Brown, and pulled out several cartoons the subjects of which were cane toads + he had a spray can of Cane-Toad-Pong (CTP, made by Turbine Assorted Fruity Pongs P/L) which he used like a Minnesota ICE agent uses pepper spray.

The Mango Thieves wanted to fight, in true Qld tropical tradition, but in this case they recognised that bull was the real deal and he could ......

..... this freaked him out, via a vivid flashback of turmoil & bloodshed, not to Nam,  nor Korea, nor even to the Zulu Wars, but instead to the deadly Mango skirmishes around Bone, where bull's role had been to ......

1 hour ago, onetrack said:

.........dug out their ration pack cans they'd previously buried in the sand, tore the tops off the cans with their teeth, and enjoyed a hot lunch in the middle of nowhere. As soon as they finished lunch, they turned their attention to the next pressing problem, which was............

Note from Cappy, the Xxxe-man from the East, to his friend and compatriot OneRoot, a Xxxb Xxxt from the West.

I apologize, dear Friend, for my above post overlapping with yours, and if you feel aggrieved, I can send you a small jar of Frankincense to use as an aftershave or to rub on any of your bits that are chafed. It is particularly good for sand abrasions in your budgie smugglers or to treat fire ant bites ...................... or to present to special little kids in stables. 

5 hours ago, turboplanner said:

...... Brazilian Fire Ants at the stop of a sand hill. Running up the other side ha saw a Platoon of naked SAS soldiers, each carring another nakes SAS soldier on his back. They sat down at the top of the hill .....

..... and wondered why they could here a couple of hundred phones clicking and taking photos.

And let me assure you, dear readers, that a platoon of naked SASers with fire ants biting their sand covered dangly bits are a sight to behold (and photograph) and you could immediately comprehend why the Taliban always decided to give them a miss whenever they could. (Many experienced SASers also carried 10 or so fire ants in antique silver snuff boxes as an interrogation aid) and that was declared by the shiny arse'd Generals back home, who never actually did any dangerous stuff, but still got a chest full of medals for being brave in the office when subjected to paper cuts, as .....

9 hours ago, onetrack said:

Men who could spot a bulge in clothing

As recorded in WA Police records (where they only keep the stuff that suits them), Onesie has often been recorded as being the bulge-er (both muffin-top and the other) and not the bulge-ee.

.... Sand Urchins & Urchinettes.

These are kiddies that have been cast out of wealthy Rockingham villas and are almost all the illegitimate offspring of .....

34 minutes ago, onetrack said:

"Look", said OT, "We've got a regular Army for that! I bet this pair even stamp out their own medals, out of aircraft they've crashed - probably using Turbine Medals and Great Military Awards Inc!

You know how they keeping talking about 'wise men from the East'? - well, I can tell you this much, there was a lot of crap written in the early days, and there are no wise men in the East, they all came from the West, and............

... with that, Dear Readers, you may possibly have gained the impression that Onesie has the typical WA chip on both shoulders + one on the head of his ....

4 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

Of course Turbo said "Yes Sir" like Albo does, and he now found himself leading a pack of modified Pterodactyls all with 503s, taking off from a base just far enough to guarantee destruction over Hormuz Strait [why to they call it a straight when it's a corner], As they came into a Strait formation, 503 bits came raining down.....

.... and all of the Iranian military guys below did a whoopsy, then slipped over on it.

"It's almost a pleasure to be killed by the Alexander-the-Great of the 21st century" said Mohammed Mohammed bin Mohammed of the Woulda-if-they-Kuda Quds Force, as he ......

17 hours ago, Captain said:

.... Tubb has probably been punted off to an undercover role in Iran, ....

It is a little-known fact that Turbo was the founding member of the charitable (at least that's its tax status) organization named Soldiers-Without-Borders, ..... who also do good work providing patients for Doctors-Without-Borders (or Medicines sans Frontiers, if you are a Francophile poser).

Turbo also set up Fathers-Without-Borders, as there are little Turbos wherever he goes, or shortly thereafter, and the Turbine clan base is ever expanding worldwide (Alexander the Great, eat your heart out). 

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

..............it approached. They frantically shovelled a trench and covered themselves with a thick layer of dirt and rocks. They were Members of the AUF (Afghanistan Ulltralight Federation) and they'd been hit by the schrapnel of a screaming 503.

 

Mustapha Krapp yelled ".................................

...... "It's a Rotax powered, Pakistani assembled drone, maaate, as you could hear the whine of the gearbox before it got over the Packi border. And watch out if you hear the clunk of the gearbox backlash as that means that the engine has stopped (or self-destructed) and she's on her way down to zap some poor unsuspecting .....

On 10/03/2026 at 7:05 PM, Captain said:

.... (the Afghans) had trouble with the concept as they all had Iphone with IOS 20, thanks to little Joey Biden and the Kamel, plus in the Afghan lingo, the words for "active" and "passive" only vary by their inflection, & add to this that most Afghans are left handed in order to better hold the goats, so that when it really hits the fan, flamethrower action-wise, it's a bit hard to use an optimistic upwards inflection in order to get your TFL unit active, when the Pakistani Special Forces equivalent of a Ghurka (although taller, fatter and smellier) is wanting to .....

Do not be impatient dear NESers. We need to give them time to respond as Tubb has probably been punted off to an undercover role in Iran, perhaps as the body double for the next Supreme Leader, and Onesie will certainly be down at Swanbourne lifting up the SAS's training regime by running up and down bigger sandhills.