Captain

12 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.....active and passive. 

When it was passive you pulled the trigger and a 10 metre spurt of sticky Napalm fried the enemy. 

When it was active, if the enemy overran your base and pinched the flame thrower out of your hands, you could use your Iphone (IOS 18 or later) to reverse the direction of flame  to fry the basXXXXX!.

Not many people know this so NES readers are asked to keep it quiet.

When Cappy and Turbo were seconded to the Afghanistan War, they....

.... (the Afghans) had trouble with the concept as they all had Iphone with IOS 20, thanks to little Joey Biden and the Kamel, plus in the Afghan lingo, the words for "active" and "passive" only vary by their inflection, & add to this that most Afghans are left handed in order to better hold the goats, so that when it really hits the fan, flamethrower action-wise, it's a bit hard to use an optimistic upwards inflection in order to get your TFL unit active, when the Pakistani Special Forces equivalent of a Ghurka (although taller, fatter and smellier) is wanting to .....

11 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Bruised, battered with one eye bandaged Turbo was lucky to get out of there with his clothes on his back, he didn't have time to put them on when the flame thrower poked through the window ....

..... but Turdy remained cool as he had been there before and that always provides an advantage. (Turbo is even tougher than Bernie).

It is little known that TFL (Turbine Flamethrowers Ltd) had used Ukrainian technology which was way ahead of its time because the ignition system was both .....

Dear NESers and our thousands of readers.

Cappy is very concerned for the future of the NES at the moment as bull appears to have gone missing (again) so I assume that he has had success and is shacked up with a bovine lover for a prolonged session, Onesie continues to provide signs in the bottom right corners, so at least I don't have to go over to sandman-land to meet with him to discuss this malaise, Bernie is lurking occasionally but is otherwise silent, and Turbo, my best and longest mate, has gone missing in the wilds of Mextoria, (a cold, lawless and dangerous place) ..... so I fear the effects of a machete attack or he has been caught up in some gangland power struggle with his Moorabbin Crew.

(Or is Turbo actually Sammy Newman in real life and has been off in the RPA having some holes cut & tubes fitted).

So what do I do? ..... recruit more NESers from the Accidents and Incidents forum page (where there appears to be a lack of a sense of humour) or do I just wait ..................... and wait ........................ and wait, here on my own?

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

Is your first name Lucretia......................and she hit him in the mikunis with a bed pan.     Turbo ....

.... stood, as he always does, proudly but a little stooped, wiped the excretal matter from his face, and wondered aloud why anyone would hit him in one of the finest motorcycle carburetors that were ever produced in the 70s.

But then Tubb thought it through a little more, and it .....

53 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

....he would have to go into the Horsham Base Hospital; the pain was terrible; there's nothing quite like a backfire through the Stromberg and the fix is so embarrassing because they use a chimney brush. They don't call it a Base hospital for nothing and the nurses .....

.... were dedicated professionals, so went straight to work.

One even inserted a finger covered in Vicks Vapor Rub, which she had mistaken for Vaseline (either that, or it was deliberate as a nursey prank to see how high (avref) he would jump ... and it must have been the latter as there were pencil marks on the wall measuring past insertions, with names shown on each height mark).

Turbo, who had always been a little over sensitive in the region since he had been reamed by a CASA (avref) Inspector in 1949, set a new height record, and once he had landed the pulled the nurse close and said ".......

Cappy apologizes for bringing the NES back to matters aviation (avref), but he just came across a hand cranked movie (Cappy (c)) of Turbo and his 1st aircraft build.

He still starts all of his aircraft that way, even after being sanctioned numerous times by the AUF and even by EEan ...... and he has trouble running like-the-wind these days.

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

This Powder Blue Holden started on of the greatest Sh!tfights in the history of WF when a wheat cockie from Rupanyup decided to make his powder blue Holden into a flying car. He bought two International Harvester header feed boxes and welded them onto the sides and headed for the Horsham Road. Gunning the motor ......

.... , it backfired through the Stromberg, and the Rupanyup Wheat Cockey thought that .....

.... orbit (avref) and this was the 1st lady that had buggered off on him for several decades.

"Oh well, easy come easy go" he said philosophically, as he always sees the bright side of any issue, and that is because he is a .....

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

....and Turbo immediately picked up the fear in Cappy; it was bad being ai straight mandrel, but what if he was  a compound mandrel; we all know what that means don't we. As he was downing his gin and becoming more alarmed. T.the girl from the National Bank (they're like that) came over and he couldn't help it, he blurted out "I think I'm a compound mandrel!" The National Bank girl recoiled and started brushing her clothes down and ....

... then stated "My pronouns are she/her, so when you write me into the NES, I demand that you refer to me the correct way .... but while I'm not much for blokes, I hear that while Cappy has stated that he is not an external mandrel, I hear that he has an internal mandrel, and in the interests of experimentation I would like to see what .....

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

...........shape after the crossover pipe had been embedded in the wings, and following the success of that, the crossover fuel tank made from a length of sewage pipe behind the wings, generously given to Turbo by the local plumber. Those were the days when the whole community kicked in. The CWA girls sewed the wing fabric, the fiaries bent the tubes using the Captain's back, and ..................

... Cappy must have had too many VBs that day as he cannot recall being a mandrel (manly yes, but mandrel no), however he has always wondered about the marks on his back, which he assumed was from the physical prowess of one of the larger CWA girls, but it must have been more ....

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.... more importantly he'd kept the Flight Star Spyder.  It's shown here in the Spratleys with the tie down trap half off, just about ready for a beach takeoff. Chairman XI had lleft it with a flat tyre and half-eaten Maccas Spicy burger in it. Cappy and Turbo call him Hi -  Chee on the weekends away. His dream is top own a Maccas. They don't mind the flat tyres - Hi-Chee brings the booze and ....

.... the boys would supply the Chico Rolls (Hi-Chee is addicted to 'em), ..... and they would both train hard and regularly so that they can throw down 5 or 6 bottles of Baijiu in order not to embarrass themselves at these weekend knees-ups.

Turbo's photo of the Flight Star Spyder is accurate and while he references that black line as a "tiedown strap", my memory is different and I have always wanted to ask Turbs why he used to fly (avref) the Spyder when fitted with a Static Strap, like the one that my dad used to swear by when fitted on his Vanguard and then transferred onto the new FJ (a 2 tone blue Special).

That photo of the Spyder is very interesting because it shows the true ......

We woz rich when dad bought this ... but could never afford the mesh headlight covers or the fox tail (as supplied, fluffed and recoloured by Turbine Cat Farms ... trading as Tubb's Fox Skins and Other Bits P/L).

Dad's earth strap did 5 cars before heading to the tip. Turbo's was about 8 ft long on the Spyder ... but why?

10 hours ago, turboplanner said:

..... hairdressing bar.

Turbo was a fan of Warwick Capper and needed to have his long blond hair done every day. In those days he flew a Flight Star Spyder, with the doors off to show his brief shorts and ....

..... as all NES regular readers already know, Turbo and Cappy were best mates throughout this entire period (they were Coffee every day in Lygon St type mates) and Cappy can attest as to the look that Turbo perfected throughout the period when the Wizz had his high profile in footy (see pics below) ... (although I must confess that I think that Turbo signing mistaken identity Wizz autographs for little kids was going a little bit too far).

Turbo today has changed a little bit, although he has aged well, yet he still has rockstar status in sectors of Melbournistan society (Turbo is like a caucasian and younger version of Mick Gatto) and still receives free tucka at all Lygon St restaurants, plus there is a permanent reserved parking spot for the 'Vette in the centre of the restaurant strip down there.

Turbo loves that life, did well to heed Cappy's advice to stay out of Liberal politics when they tried to draft him in to lead the party, and as my best mate of over 60 years I know that he is much better than that, and ......

In photos taken by Cappy during that period, the Wizz is on the right, and a young Turbo is on the left ..... although I do think that Turbs added blonde hair pieces, plastic chains & a Cappy sized codpiece for the photos.

.... a "square" is the opposite of cool dudes like Turbo and bull, who have lived their lives doing things that are the opposite of being a square.

Back in the cool days of the 60s and 70s, bull was a Mod (who had indecent thoughts about Dinah Lee), and Turbo was a Rocker (who had crushes on Little Pattie & Judy Stone) {and still has}, yet they both owned Vespas and used to hang out at their local .....

Dinah

Judy

Little

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

"I'm required to advise you................"   but Cappy who became skilled at dealing with the Indians of Bombay who were pushy little pricks, cut him off with a "Gotta Go, due to CASA Rule 738 Clause 67, Para 242"   All the Walloper could do was nod - he tried to remember that ref, but without his book he was lost. The experienced Cappy had known that without their books they were toothless. Have the old kite [Biggles ref] WOT and ........

 

Cappy's reference to the coffee shop dog is interesting. Normally he doesn't release his family history. Cappy in his Kapoo (as it was then) Primary School days once used the excuse "My dog ate my homework." and the saying went round the world. 

..... this, Dear Readers is where the NES gets a bit confusing.

Is Turbs referring to the verb "to Kite" meaning to fraudulently float cheques, which is something that Turbs did to Cappy when Tubb was a little low on funds while up the Khyber, after which Cappy has always gone guarantor for all of his best mate's business ventures .... or is he referring to one of Cappy's favourite shapes, being a quadrilateral with two pairs of equal adjacent sides, & one axis of symmetry.

The answer was simple, as usual, because .......

It is little known that 'The dog ate my homework" is still registered and licensed to Crappy under the law of common domain, and each time the phrase is used, even when Vladimir does so in the Kremlin, Cappy is paid twice per usage what Bob Dylon receives from Spotify each time one of his songs are played. A nice little earner and hence why he always buys the dog a Puppychino when he is down in Lygon St with Mick and a few of the crew.

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

.........went into a dive [avref] and landed [avref] on the lawn of the St. Kilda Boulevard.

A Police Officer [CASA avref] approached him and asked.................

.... do you have the latest issue map of this region and in particular of the Henry St and Peel St area?

He thought quickly, as he always did, and responded "I bought the March 2026 edition this morning, and i was familiarizing myself with the latest updates over a coffee and croissant, so the coffee shop dog must have taken it".

The Walloper (CASA ref) pressed the issue in the regulatory firm way that CASA Johnnies do and said ".....

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

........axis, causing him to jolt, and that threw the

... axis into a state of flux, and let me assure all readers that there was "flux" all over the joint, even running down the windows of the tram.

After the jolt he could not roll (avref) or get himself vertical (avref), so with great effort and coordination (avref) he .....

4 hours ago, turboplanner said:

......the Playful Pussy in Toorak.

This was Turbo's first investment at the age of 14.

We thank Cappy for providing a copy of the Grand Opening.

Cappy of course didn't make it, being in the grips of Devil Gin at that time. He got on the tram Ok, but wasn't seen to get off in Toorak. They found him in Swanston St curled up on the roof of the tram, fast asleep and it took........

..... 3 more trips around the city on route 64 before he woke up (on route 64 all tram riders need to be very quiet & still while passing thru Moorabbin pending a machete attack), but Cappy remained on the roof as the tram approached Flagstaff, and he was still clutching the bottle of the demon Gin, but as he rolled over and stretched his legs, one touched the live overhead wire and a bolt of electricity passed along his ......

6 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.........not quite as good as it used to be. It had a vaguely familiar taint to it.   Bull swilled it around in his mouth, in the effeminate way of the wine industry where they would cover up cat's..................and suddenly he knew what the odour was. He'd been walking around the original Turbine Rood's Bay cat farm and nearly coked on the stench of cat ..........

.... so he spat the wine out, like the wine p@0fters do, but he was sitting in the Jackoff at the time and he missed the spittoon that he always keeps between the rudder pedals, often laughingly referred to as a barffoon, as an upchuck is almost impossible to resist when bull is in PIO (sorry pio) mode and when he exceeds 4Gs, the juices start flowing.

To settle his stomach bull took another swig of Grey Label and thought about his favourite pussy in order to quell the stench.

Then he realised that he was in that fatal lifestyle spiral of good grog, visits to "Cat Farms" (see below photo) .... and that, Dear Readers, is what Turbo has been referring to all along in his thousands of promotional references in the NES .... where Tubb is now competing with The Wizz to be Melbournistan's premier Cat Farm proprietor, because it is similar to his experience at .......

6 hours ago, turboplanner said:

..... Fuel dump housing. Bull was a lonely man, he had a conscience. He knew he had to dump fuel along the east coast and all over the Great Barrier Reef [Make the Barrier Reef Great Again (MAGBRGA ref], but that was his job.  He told himself he kept the Wolfe Blass for his sanity, but ....

..... there had been periods of blackness (or more correctly, a strange dirty darkness) in his life, where a Wolf Blass black or grey label did the trick, and while he was not a member of AA, he did belong to the AUF and WF, the MAGBRGA, & the Prawn Trawler's Cooperative Council (PTCC) so he was forced to mix with quite a few card carrying piss-pots, some of whom (Turbo and Onesie ref) are Grange drinkers and think that Wolf Blass's finest (before the TWE takeover [Often referred to as the Turbine Wine Estate, although the ownership is cleverly masked]) was ....

6 minutes ago, bull said:

......and at that moment the engine sputtered and died,,,oh shit thought Bull i forgot to turn off the fuel dump!!  Now the situation had turned to...........

..... bull reaching for his spare 750 ml of fuel that he kept in a Wolf Blass Grey Label bottle that had been stored in the ...... 

33 minutes ago, onetrack said:

Dear NES-er's, we have developed a terrifying situation in the NES world, where it has become obvious that Cappy has been kidnapped by fake AI kidnappers, and is now living in a parallel universe,  where he runs thread continuations from a different position to the right one, this creating mayhem and monstrous confusion amongst the dedicated NES readers. We shall shortly launch the new turbo-prop Drifter to try to rescue Cappy from his predicament. Stand by.......

Crappy thanks Onesie for his help and looks forward to being normal again. But surely his post should have followed the well-established NES protocols and should have been in italics, which I have done above to save his reputation.

47 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

..........-5% when the day warmed up [avref theory helper]. He had to toss something off and he looked at her big...........................

This response by our Turdbro has elicited 2 responses at exactly the same time. A new record for the NES, and a credit to Turdy, which reflects to detailed thought that he puts into each & every post, plus the vitally interesting content of his contributions.

31 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.... -5% when the day warmed up [avref theory helper]. He had to toss something off and he looked at her big ......

.....gest bits, because he still had on board the super sharp damascus steel filleting knife that bull had bought for him in Japan.

But he needed to move quickly, and he did not have time to toss anything off because that would not weigh enough to make a difference anyway, so he decided to dump fuel like the big boys do.

This would be a delicate balance between remaining fuel and the distance to the "1st bit of the runway" (an important technical term), but he was a well-trained AUF pilot who also watched all of the Blancolerio UTube vids while having breaky each day, so he was well prepared and gave a landing briefing to his passenger "Combine 3 of those seatbelts and shut TFU until we are down, stopped and alive".

Then he commenced the really difficult bit, which was to .......

15 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

........turned onto 17 instead of 71, and it was while he was taking a shortcut through the Cosco car park, that thought came to him that with her on board he might have exceeded MTOW but being a .......

..... n AUF License holder, he never gave a rats (cappyref) about MTOW or W&B, and with her taking up 2 seats + the aisle, he just kept it straight a level and accepted that the ROC would be 20% of the normal, but it was ..... 

1 hour ago, Captain said:

..... throttle lever, and when her magnificent hands started to do their work, he .....

.... got excited, as you often do in the run-up area, but when she reached for his ignition switches and flicked them, one after another, ... and repeatedly, he almost .....