Captain

37 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.......Chanel No. 5.5 anyway.  [For NES Readers; the Turbine Team don't call it cat urine, we call it tinkling water.]

The sales exploded to the point where................

 

.... some wag Turbine Team member also named it Holy Water, which was marketed as a package with an incense burner, and sales went even ...

21 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

There was .........

..... also some pushback from Aldi, who had bought 6 billion Chinese corostami bags but all turned out to be factory seconds from 1950 and leaked immediately when the attachment tube split + broke off on 1st use.

This meant that the fad had a .....

12 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.....Woolworths size L6 bag. Soon there were people all over town out on early morning walks lifting their jumpers to show their L6s and before long there was a .........

..... massively popular L6 Fashion Parade at Myers, where Elle, Christi, Jerry, Noami and Deryn Hinch all participated and hitched up their blouses to flash their .....

1 hour ago, bull said:

are you sure?🤷‍♀️ .....but the point became mute shortly as 😎 Bull strode into the room and straight up said to Turdo ,,Hey one good thing about the bag thing old mate ah ,,,you wont have to worry about buying shit paper ah.....Tubbs looked around at the doc and Cappy and then turned back to Bull and said.............

.... "sound reasoning there bull. Based on that I think I'll get one even if I don't need one, and I'll get another one fitted as a spare, just in case."

When the general population found out what work Turdbro was having done, they all wanted one too.

The result was a dire shortage of colostomy bags, so they had to use a .......

9 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.......his problem is?

Cappy, who just happened to be in the waiting room for his fifth beer-gut reduction couldn't help himself and ..............

..... said to the Doc "Can you also take some off my bum as well this time ..... and don't worry, I'll get the Turgidplonker back in here and up on the table, quick stix, for you to do your nip and tuck".

"He'll need more than just a nip & tuck, Cappy old mate. He's a mess and has got some serios issues, but tell me, he appears to also have an old bullet wound where the sun doesn't shine. What should I do with that" replied the Doc.

"That was me, mate, up the Khyber, and I plugged him close to his bullseye. I may have had a few gins when that happened, but it was a Swan Lager-soaked OT, this time, that made the mess around his tail and given that I've had a good squizz, I can no longer see how Tubb can go to the dunny unless he ..... 

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

........elastrator knife.

 

Did........you, did you squeeze the handle aske Turbo, trembling...............

.... "Yes mate" replied OT "But I had to bite the last bits off like me and David Niven used to do to de-nut young rams."

Turbo looked down to double check that his "young ram bits" were still there and breathed a sigh of relief, but when he looked at where his tail used to be he saw that the final job showed OT's tooth marks, including the missing ones in the front, so that Turbo's extremity where his tail used to be looked like a frill necked lizard that had been hit by a B-triple.

"Geez, OT that's worse than before, and now I ......

..... casually interested, for Cappy needed something to mask his natural musk, which has proven irresistible to the ladies over his many years, so he changed the name then patented and registered "Muff Musk Mask" which should do the trick, if he could just learn to say that 3 times in succession. 

But just as Cappy was curing his own oversupply of ladies issues, Turbo's time in the tub saw him converting into a half goanna/half bloke, so Cappy snapped the below photo to document the fact, and for subsequent use by the local Aboriginal group when they raised him up into the Dreaming, where the Goanna/Turbo, soon known just as The Garbo, were elevated to compete for national attention with the Rainbow Serpent.

This resulted in Turbo appearing as The Garbo to huge applause, and gigantic appearance fees (excluding the essential kickbacks to the Local Land Council), at every Welcome To Cuntry throughout WA, and at ......

This is the actual photo that Cappy snapped.

Turbo has always looked a bit suss, but as per his new appearance, as below, you can understand why he has now become such a gay icon, alongside Zena the Warrior Princess 

..... a period of isotropic cooling (hence why the final product is so expensive), after which you can skim off the green mucasean crust and then ......

..... then  .....

9 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.......render the fat while trying to avoid the razor sharp claws, teeth and scales; the carcasses can twitch for day and your hands......

.... need to roll the goanna up like an empty tube of toothpaste. Keep rolling, and it's the final 100 gms of goop that comes out of its nose that contains the magical liniment.

Collect that in your panican and .....

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

The UN then sells them to Pakistanis who love colourful clothes, bringing in more money to the UN which has promised to fix all dripping taps by 2030, and they.....

.... also sell a percentage to the Red Cross and to Amnesty International so that minor/new terrorist bands can be supported surreptitiously, as opposed to the major terrorists that are supported directly by the UN's own bleeding heart subsidiaries.

But back to the 2 Russians meeting up in the West Aussie desert, where Гарольд said to Ed "I'm in favor of this lack of snow and ice, as you can stick Siberia where the sun doesn't shine (for half the year), but Geez Louiseski tavarishch, this red sand really gives me the .....

.... use in multi coloured rainbow burkas (with poly mesh in the letterbox slot), which he then sells on to .....

33 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.......dark grey Armano suit, where he is often lost in the crowd, but .......

.... those Armano suits are a knockoff of the prized Italian Armani suits, and are supplied by a bloke named Hop Lee who has them made in Nth Korea and shipped into Moorabbin via .....

8 hours ago, turboplanner said:

The possums were so fast that they were just a blur to the spectators and they ripped the cars apart to get at the drivers. Within a few minutes all that was left was six skeletons and a truckload of junk. All cameras and phones were confiscated in case the news media showed the carnage and the whole of Australia stopped going outside their front doors Turbo kept a Tibia handing in his workshop to show young drivers the danger of hanging at the back of the field; many records were broken after that, and .......

.... Turbo was immediately elevated to the Legend status that he deserved.

After all, winning at Bunbury was the pinnacle, and the most prestigious thing that a driver could ever achieve, worldwide.

Since that win, Turbo has had to knock back friend requests from Al Unser, Mario Andretti, Jim Clark, Enzo Ferrari, Fangio and Fred Offenhauser, who offered to rename his engine as the Turbohauser, in Tubb's honour.

Turbo is a great driver and a very humble man, exactly similar in make-up to Valentino Rossi, but Turbo doesn't always wear make-up as much as he used to, so he often looks pretty plain in his .....

33 minutes ago, onetrack said:

Not many people know that OT bears the scars of a W.A. Drop Possum attack, he's one of the few survivors of such an attack, and recounting the attack makes listeners hairs stand up on the back of their necks, with the listeners making sure, in their trips to W.A. that they never venture out at night under big W.A. trees, because they now know that.....

... the WA Drop Possums are getting 10% bigger & more vicious each year, plus are much more dangerous than an 8ft goanna as they aren't scaredy cats like the Goannas, where these relatively gutless lizards run around to the other side of trees. The Drop Possums just hiss, bare their 2 inch fangs and attack without hesitation.

Their tactics are to render any human unconscious from the force of the initial drop and the males will then bite & rip their victim on the throat, whereas the females will finish the victim off by strangling them with their prehensile tail.

To further demonstrate what Onesie reported from his own terrifying experience, even 15 ft Saltys do an involuntary # 2s if they see a drop possum in the trees over their slide.

The drop possums also completely ...... 

This Salty was one of the 1st to be killed, just by the initial drop, of a male Drop Possum. Easterners wouldn't believe it and the Drop Possum casualty rate amongst uncareful tourists is now many hundreds more than those taken by crocs.

How lucky was OT to survive his encounter?

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

......done? what have I done", but this was a question Cappy was going to have to answer for himself.

 

There were the ........

.... cuddly bare bums so accurately described by OT and Turdo, so Cappy was unconcerned, and it just reminded him, fondly, of the after-party at the Wagga CWA AGM.

However, when Crappy walked over to the bare bums he soon realised that they were interspersed with 6 - 8 ft goannas that were facing in the opposite direction to the koalas and their fangs were ready to ......

48 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.....lead shavings. and started the five day walk back to the nearest civilisation which was old Ed Sherry 600 km from Great Boulder.

Ed sat on his verandah every day with his 12 gauge shotgun; he didn't like visitiors and he watched as a small speck appeared on the horizon; his foot itched ............

....., his trigger finger twitched on his double trigger Baikal, and he played the theme from Dr Zhivago in the background, as his pet bear sat at his feet.

Ed, whose real name was Eduard, had escaped Russia (what would be the odds, eh?) after Vlad had sent the Uranium Tipped Umbrella Gang after him (known throughout Russian black comedy circles as the You-TUG boys) and he'd been happy hiding out in outback western OZ, except that he'd had to dump his pet black bear with its nose ring, and substitute a koala.

Ed recognized the peculiar ..... 

21 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

"........having a look for the two hills and a saddle, a days ride north of the Brindle Dingo track"

"How's the search going" asked Andriy.

"I'm searching along the track to a methodical plan; should be finished when I'm 132" replied the Russian.

"You're a Russian!?" asked Andriy.

"Yes, what's wrong with that?" replied the Russian, and Andriy replied with his Glock.

He looked at the map of the vast search area and realised he'd have to call Airborne Gold Search, Inc. and .............

..... widen the search using manned ultra ultra ultra ultralight drones.

Meanwhile Гарольд had been left for dead beside the track and had only survived because of the ex US special forces Afghan left-behind bulletproof vest that he had bought at the Pakistani black market in Leonora.

"Thank goodness that Glock was only a 9 mm and not a 10," he said as he brushed off the .....

7 hours ago, turboplanner said:

and the convoy moved off into the desert at a fast pace and they soon came under the scrutiny of the old Afghan camel driver ........

..... who was actually a Russian sergeant that went AWOL while fighting in Afghanistan, grew a beard and didn't wash himself or his undies for 12 months, so he qualified to come to OZ as a Govt sponsored refugee on a student visa.

"What did you study when you got here?" asked Capt Andriy.

"The gullibility of western societies in the Sth Pacific" replied the camel driver.

"But what made you come all the way over here to a sh!thole like this?" asked Andriy.

"Well, outback WA is a lot like Afghanistan was in the old feudal days before it became more advanced under the Taliban, so I've been looking for gold, and based on my genius genealogical research, Harold Lasseter was actually a Russian named Гарольд Lasseterski (ref Wikipedia), so I'm .....

25 minutes ago, Captain said:

.... grave robbing became the next option, as suggested by ....

 

.... OT, because in WA everything dries out like they did in Egypt and once covered in sand the skin is preserved just like new.

Therefore this needs no tanning and no stretching over frames ahead of application onto the Drifter ot Foxbat.

So Foxbat downgraded their operations from the middle of the Ukraine war zone to the even worse conditions 10 kms west of Southern Cross, and sent teams of grave robbers out into the .....

51 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

characters who have teeth that can bite clean through a finger as Turbo can attest when he disturbed one that he thought was sleeping.

It was Turbo who pointed out that handling the little creatures was going to be the Achilles heel.. and they sucked blood out of you when you slept.

The race was on to find an easier way to skin a Drifter, and .......

.... grave robbing became the next option, as suggested by ....

5 hours ago, onetrack said:

......that if the rabbit skins had been treated with disagreeable-flavour tannins, then the fox problem wouldn't have occurred. Others in the AUF said that injuring lovely foxes was abhorrent and constituted animal cruelty, and would lead to picketing of the AUF HQ by the Fox Rescuers and Animal Liberationists.

CT was heard to mutter under his breath that he'd like to deal with Fox Rescuers and Animal Liberationists just like he dealt with rabbits around YGDG (DG Internationational, in case you're not up with all the latest ICAO codes) - and that was viciously, from an aerial position of strength, and with a 12g, 2-3/4" chamber SxS Tonolini, and a box of BB's, thus instilling............

..... some discipline into the Fox and Bunny populations around DG.

But then the issue of the coverings for Foxbats (the Ultralight, not the Mikoyan-Gurevich MIG 25 variant) were raised by Cappy, as given the protected status of Chiroptera there is a shortage of bat skin for use on the empennages.

Foxes were of little bit of a worry for a while as Ukraine was full of them, but after the Russians started eating them and stuffing their pelts with cluster munitions (some even pre-eating), they (the foxes, not the Russians) all buggered off en-masse into Poland and the poles have been harvesting pelts and selling them back to Aeroprakt at considerable profit.

However, the bat killing has fueled an underground black market that has the Mexican Drug Cartels getting involved to supply to the shortage (for a while 6 square inches of bat skin was more expensive than a pound of cocaine or fentanyl).

Therefore, Flying Foxes, the etymological crossover point between foxes and bats, provided the ideal opportunity for Turbine Pteropus Alecto Pty Ltd to convert 20% of their cat farms, and turn them upside down, in order to house & harvest the pelts from these smelly little ......  

21 hours ago, turboplanner said:

 ....Turbo wasn't about to distance himself from his lifelong mate bull, who'd always paid the bar bill after Cappy and Turbo and that snitch OT called in to Bone, and then skipped around the tiny distances of Tasmania.

 

"You little...........

..... beauty" said Turbo, referring to OT's .....

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

Another CASA operative sidled up to him (it always happens when immiment firings are on the table); he was a miserable squirming little rat, but ........

..... that is never enough to disqualify you from promotion in CASA, so Turbo .....

18 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

Her friend replied "I don't know and then with that secret look that women get "but that's Turbo beside him."

 

Cappy, who fancied himself as a charmer, was miffed although he hid it well and .....

..... what made him realise, once and for all, that he could never compete with his best mate Turbo, was when a photo appeared on billboards all over the world (and in Moorabbin + also in Souther Cross) showing a disheveled Joy in the background, with an exhausted but grinning Turbo in the midground with his finger adjusting the autopilot height setting by 20 ft, ..... and also showing the altimeter moving from 5,300 ft to 5280 ft.

This confirmed that Turbo is, indeed, and class act.

As further confirmation of the international acceptance of his exploits, as a result of his visit to M-A-L, Turbo has been tapped by 47 to run the FAA, where the Senate has immediately confirmed him, even before it was needed and where ......