Captain

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.....excitement. The next 30 seconds were a blur........

.... as it had been a while since Turbo had experienced this type of action, and add to that the depleted oxygen at 5,300 ft, so all of his blood was immediately pumped other than to his brain, his fingernails went blue and Joy thought that she would need to insert the aircraft's cannula into his .....

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

....that the RSL Ladies were constantly pestering him for Joy flights in his brand new Sportair. It was a twin sitting there on the Bowen Aerodrome next to bull's Sportair.

 

Not many people know that Joy flights were named after Joy, the night Chef at the RSL.  Turbo had taken her up for a spin and the altimeter was showing 5,300' when Joy............

 

The problem was that Joy seemed to be interested in flying so Turbo had bought a VHF radio for her to listen to them while she cooked. The problem was she never turned it off and on this day the afternoon RSL patrons put down their beers to a loud SSSSHHHH coming from the kitchen and rushed over to hear what at first was the sweet sound of the Sportair, but  was clearly overlaid with other noises.

.... said into her Bose noise cancellors "Oh Turdy, I am employed at the Club and now I'd like to join it".

Turbo pulled out his credit card and told her to use it to cover the joining fee and a 5 years membership,  which made Joy jump with ....

The rest is history, as it was all recorded by the mob who record in order to charge landing fees. They apparently thought that Turbo had come in for a landing on 5 or 6 occasions, hence why the tape is on UTube and has been listened to about 3 million times.

13 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

......gait.........

.... which is sort of purposeful yet somewhat stilted (not the cheese), and that meant .....

....

39 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

....meal if you are stuck out in the desert without food. Only problem is if go into the desert and get down to less than a weeks food, you're also dumb enough not to carry three types of firelighters to cook the camel.

After you.ve eaten the camel there may be .......

..... some postural issues, as it was the secret consumption of a dromadery outside Leonora that caused Quasimodo Williams to move into the bell tower & learn to speak French. 

The Turgidplonker, who had walked with a limp and a hunched stoop ever since Cappy accidentally shot him up the Khyber (how many times, I beseech you, was Cappy supposed to call "Who goes there" and how was Cappy to know that Turdy couldn't hear him because he was listening to a Tiny Tim concert on his crystal set?).

And while the kids often call Turbo, Quasi, behind his hump, that was nowhere near as serious as what the ladies at the Rissole say about his .....

15 hours ago, turboplanner said:

".......give them all a tickle with the iron and tell them Jesus loves them and......"

..... to build on the rock, but not upon the sand ...... which is why WA is such a pagan & empty joint.

Even the Archbishop of Southern Cross had changed the words in his sermon, and also in the hymn, to read "Do not, dear friends, listen to the wise men from the east, but use a raft foundation (as piling is of little consequence) to build upon the sand and not upon the stones, which are the devil's work, even if there were any to the west of Border Village."

To which the congregation replied, "Too right, and ride on, Archy". ("Ride On" in this context refers to the propensity of the Sand Monkeys {the name used for themselves by the WA 2nd generation and later} to using camels in WA, which are not only a means of transport, but on a cold night after being out in the bush for months without a lady {after 2 or 3 months the camels also become better looking}, you can also use them as a ....... 

..... bull, the gun ringer asked OT what he should do with the branding irons that he had glowing red hot and ready for action.

One of them was in the sign of the .....

43 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

....whiff of BBs breaking six arms and taking the nose off a particulartly tall one who....

..... had a beak the size of a Toucan.

BBs are well known to focus the mind when you are on the receiving end, and the skinny .....

18 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

It wasn't over the gangs didn't like being messed with and a week later a convoy of stolen Audis, BMWs, Benzs and Imprezas headed towards DG, and ......

..... that is when the solidarity & strength of Wreck Flyers all kicked in.

OT jumped the midnight horror direct to DG International and all the other wrecks lined up around the boundaries to CT's compound.

"Aren't you glad there is no issue in Vicmanistan with African Skinny People Gangs (ASPGs)?" asked Turbo who, with Cappy, organised a defensive perimeter based on their experience up the Khyber.

The skinny persons had not seen anything similar, so they called up Jacinta on their govt issued IPhone 16 pros to report a racist defensive compound at DG, and Jazzy responded with a ".....

19 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

........genuine block of salt because in the past CT had only fed them rabbit meal and the fluff ..............

..... from around their bunny parson's nose.

Apart from CT always having been a rather salty (& fruity) individual, all NESers are waiting with baited halitosis for some advice as to background (or even some basic story continuity) on how CT is back and staring in the NES after demonstrably being such a ......

31 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

Left leg muscle was needed to support her and she fell onto .............

..... a disused cattle trough, face down.

What happened next was worse than before, and the cattle had a field day, see the below photo for those that are not squeamish.

The cattle were excited to be able to lick a ......

THIS PHOTO HAS BEEN BANNED BY FACEBOOK,

YOUTUBE AND WRECK FRYING, RESULTING

IN CAPPY BEING GIVEN AN ENFORCED HOLIDAY

BY THESE ORGANISATIONS + BY PORNHUB.

4 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

......whistled as people on the land do to emphasize a command (a bit like the Queensland "ay").

 

The cattle took no notice and after a few days .......

..... the Crapster's salty tasting GF had a huge hole licked in her, where her .....

7 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Modesty prevents us from saying what Cappy had been up to, but it was bad and he was close to being turned into a pillar of salt on the spot. His GF got it instead.

 

Cappy was ......

...... a farmer and grazier who always had salt licks available for his cattle, so with his GF as solid as a rock, this was going to save him a motza, and might even put the farm back into profit.

The cattle loved it, but when the Skipper saw the cattle's tongues and where they headed first on the pillar he called in his best commanding voice "Don't lick it there, and ...... 

One of Crappy's cattle (sporting the Cook family haircut) about the approach the pillar of salt.

Cappy's GF after she became the pillar of salt.

Wreck Frying and good taste forced an edit and would not allow the photo to show what it looked like any further down south.

7 hours ago, onetrack said:

......when Moses came down from Mt Sinai with the two stone tablets,

HISTORY LESSON - Dear NESers. Crappy has big news about the stuff up on Mt Sinai, because the 1st 5 Commandments had some really tuff stuff in them, which Cappy had no chance of complying with ..... they even wanted to stop you from doing a few of the things that Crappy does a couple of times each week.

Therefore, please see the attached video that Cappy made when Moses fronted up after he came down from the mountain ....... and Crappy herewith confesses that it was him that smeared the Vaseline on Moses right hand (Moses thought it was Vicks as he had a cold).

The rest is history, and I'm sure that you can agree that we can all get away with managing just 10.

9 hours ago, AndysAtCoffs said:

Its been many days since I made my lastlast NES post and I was a tad over exuberant.

G'day Andy and welcome back. How are they hang'n?

..... low earth orbit (some are currently being used by Starlink to service their satellites).

This happened shortly after the Mk 6 encabulators were fitted to Hercs and they worked so well, as per the below photo.

So when Turbo decided to fit the same number on a Drifter, it won Thrill Ride of the Year, and Drifter pilots went .....

A Herc with 10 encabulators fitted, so same number that Turdy fitted to Drifters. Turbo sure is a fun guy.

PS .... We have no proof but some burn marks on the petrified MOA indicates that they too had flames coming out of their ducts, and possibly also out of their clackers, which the Egyptian dissection dude thinks were interconnected via a one way valve, same like in the human tear duct. (Tear as in drops of salty water, not as in "tear you a new one").

5 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.......that ancient bird that was twice the size of an Ostrich. I told them to draw a 50 cal. Everyone knows what a 50 cal is, but he drew me with a long neck, fat bum and skinny legs.

 

Cappy, who had a stack of empty gin bottles beside him sniggered, and that .............

.... was not long before Mavis took offence once her name was on that sketch, and it had been plastered all over the interwebb.

This sketch became very popular, for example, in Wagga and at her later postings, the sketch had Mavis crossed out with Tipp-Ex and Doubtfire written in (It is worthy of note that Tipp-Ex is still being used by CopShops in NSW and in Vicmanistan, whereas in Qld and WA they just force the scribes to rewrite the entire papyrus scroll).

The MOA is also well known for their claws (they kick arse in a heavyweight cockfight), and for their .......

6 hours ago, onetrack said:

He ripped his shirt fully open, and went on. "It was when I was on........

..... the grog and somebody with 3 needles taped onto the end of a bit of bamboo, and a bottle of Prussian Blue ink from school, offered to do a freeby tap tap tat. I tossed up between Ned's "Such is life", or 25 random Japanese characters, but then settled on my 8 miles schtick, however many tat viewers get confused and think that MOA stands for .......

22 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

...could quieten down the sporting shooters' complaints to the Melbourne Herald Sun which ran the headline "Man shoots rabbit".

Some even said the paper should have correctly described the rabbit as  Rabbitus Darraweit Grimus, others pointed out the colour was missing, so it could have been a white one, a black one, .....

.... or even a Cessna.

But the Turdy legend overcame .....

..... that bunny's luck rabbit's foot.

Some may consider that a strange description until it was pointed out that the other 3 that were vaporised were much more unlucky.

That shot became legend and Turbo had himself tattooed with the words 8 miles on a Bunny equals 0.0000012 MOA.

Speaking tours around DG and district were oversubscribed before Turbs ......

7 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

The Tahitians eventually being able to trade the nails for a  50 cal sniper rifle which was used to shoot Cappy's ancestor when the Chief caught him on the beach having a moonlight dip with the Chief's wife.

 

They said he was killed by an arrow of course, but when your guts have been blown out it's hard for forensics to prove much at all.

 

Everyone gave Tahiti a wide berth after that and even today, tourist ...........

.....s have reported the ghostly sounds if a 50 cal rifle bolt sliding closed in the mists down on the beach at midnight after a few gins and nails have changed hands.

As everyone knows, 50 cal bolt actions have their good sides, and their bad sides, and this often confuses ......

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.....teeth.

It wasn't a pretty sight, and bull who had come to love the smell of the sea crashing on the bows of his Trawler "Captain Cook III" and life where you walked outside the door, trawled a line behind the boat and brought in fresh sushi a minute later was .........

.... certainly drawn back to the sea again, but in bull's case he was longing to visit Tahiti again to see the dusky maidens where, in the 1800's, he could obtain anything he wanted (and even that), for the price of a nail (hence the crude term so often used by onetrack).

bull for sure & certain does not engage in gluttony, but he did buy his bags of nails by the tonne, which resulted in .....

13 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.....quickly realsied gutso had got there first as the acrid smoke filled the room with an odour of ..........

..... gutso's hollandaise, Fidel's communist fervor including a purge or two, Bill's slimeyness, and Monica's .....

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

....fair that I should have one too. After all the Victorian Government has signed a contract for rabbit control at the new airport, and have already approved the G700 as a company transport.

While I was in there for signing they showed me the Purchase contracts for The Emperor's Palace and grounds in Tokyo, Big Ben, Plymouth Rock and the Sydney Harbour Bridge as well as ......."

..... an ironclad guarantee to add me and Turdy to Mount Rushmore".

bull was also very pleased with a gift of Cuban cigars with Fidel's name crossed off the label and Monica's name added in Bill's handwriting.

bull loves this type of quirky gift and sniffed the 1st cigar as you do to appreciate a fine Cuban and ......

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

The Extra went back in the shed, bull bought himself some high heel cowboy boots, a Turquise belt, turquoise rings, and took lessons in the Texas language which only had four wordsn"Yi, Hah, Hey, and Dude."  At first ......

..... bull's new G700 Gulfstream looked a little ostentatious, but bull speaks plainly to the peasants, and when asked by a CNN reporter he just said "Well Elon has one so it only seems .....

When OT sends gutso home to spend some time with bull, he (gutso, not bull) is kept in an upchuck proof container in the back of the bentley or in seat 8D of the G700 (or g700 as bull describes it).