The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

.......xxxxxx. Lighthousemen threw him down the stairs. Not many people know that Bull once applied to join the SAS. He was deeply offended by ISIS, almost as much as when some dork would come into the Bone RSL and give Mavis a line, at the end aasking if she had a paaper bag. There would be a CRASH! as Bull put down hiss knife and fork and a CRASH! as the turkey went through the front window and a CRASH! when he sat down. "SAS should be easy" he thought, but times had changed, OHS had come in and.................................

[Captain]

48 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

There would be a CRASH! as Bull put down hiss knife and fork and a CRASH! as the turkey went through the front window and a CRASH! when he sat down. "SAS should be easy" he thought, but times had changed, OHS had come in and.......

.... nobody was allowed to go to any area of conflict because it is dangerous & uninsurable.

 

All weapons had to be decommissioned too, Semtex was converted into playdough, Sergeants were banned because they yelled and used naughty confrontational words, and no live ammo could be ......

[turboplanner]

........secreted where you could grab it in that near-final shoot out when you think you're going to be shot and the enemy shoots thinking you're gone and you give a littel wriggle, the bullet shoots past, you shoot him in the elbow and he  screams so much, you haave to belt  him behind the ear so he's unconsciousthen ...........

[Captain]

10 hours ago, turboplanner said:

........secreted where you could grab it in that near-final shoot out when you think you're going to be shot and the enemy shoots thinking you're gone and you give a littel wriggle, the bullet shoots past, you shoot him in the elbow and he  screams so much, you haave to belt  him behind the ear so he's unconsciousthen ...........

....., from Turbo's post, readers can see and evaluate the aftereffects of shellshock and being plugged in the freckle, as Turbo had given his all up the Khyber and now often awakens during the night (not that I'm ever close by, but also NTTIAWWT) when the aftereffects of Tubb's brave service now comes out as ..... 

[turboplanner]

.........nightmares where Khybers have stuffed frogs with explosives and let them loose to hop down into the British trenches where timers on their tiny little frog vests detonate the explosives blowing off British legs,and then the whining all night asking to be carried back down to the First Aid Post in Bombay where all te Officers were having their dinner.

Not many people know that Bombay was the place where "Not while I'm having  dinner  love"was coined.

When Turbo had been shot by a deranged Cappy who was yelling "Fairies are coming to get us!" (He'd picked some local mushrooms and cooked them up for dinner), Turbo simply got some lichen from a clear stream, stuffed it into the hole with a stick, and carried on, shooting a brace of five Khybers, and capturing an Owen Machine Gun.  It wasn't until the next morning that ..............................

[Captain]

11 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

Turbo simply got some lichen from a clear stream, stuffed it into the hole with a stick, and carried on, shooting a brace of five Khybers, and capturing an Owen Machine Gun.  It wasn't until the next morning that .........

..... he realized that he still had 25 kgs of lichen dangling out of his shorts (it hung down to his knees, oh).

 

And even to this day, as an ascribed aftereffect of his service, the British VA send Turbs 50 kgs of moist lichen each fortnight, in order that he has keep the hole filled so that it stops its infernal weeping (he still pokes it in with a stick, but now it's a walking stick) and ......

[turboplanner]

......who is the noventy act of the BoB with his lichen flowing and BoB starlets hanging on to the train, waiting for a turn,while Cappy sits in a corner reading abour Mowgli, and waiting for ........................

[Captain]

.... for some nubile young Akela to teach him how to .....

Edited Tuesday at 12:16 AM by Captain

[turboplanner]

......speak Marathi, Hindi, Gujarati and Irdu. Of course he was asleep before she was half way through. In Melbourne, there's only English and Taxi, so much easier.

The Bombay trains ..................

 

 

[Captain]

44 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

......speak Marathi, Hindi, Gujarati and Irdu. Of course he was asleep before she was half way through. In Melbourne, there's only English and Taxi, so much easier.

The Bombay trains ..................

 

 

... men work hard and most speak 4 to 6 languages as they drive in the dog spikes and sing all-the-live-long-day type railroad songs, so the limitations/dearth of Melbournistan language skills means that Melbournistan and Mextoria both lag the average linguistic ability of the rest of the nation.

 

Tubb's mention of Marathi, Hindi, Gujarati and Irdu means that I am released from my NDA and can mention one of Turbine Industries rare failures (about which not many people know), and about which I was heretofore sworn to secrecy ..... and that is that one of TI's rare business failures was when they bought up 100% of Nepal as part of a corrupt deal with the Dali Lama, in order to harvest all of the lichen, and ended up cornering the world market.

 

However, except for a need in the perfume industry for lichen to be refined as a fixative, and in the pharmaceuticals & nutraceuticals game where usnic acid is extracted for use as a wound dressing, TI soon found that not everyone (it was classed as "bugger all" in the Board Report) gets turned on by a sizeable pack of moist lichen down their undies (although there are certainly some, NTTIAWWT) and TI soon gave Nepal back to be pillaged again by China.

 

However, Turbo kept a personal 1500 te lichen stash for use by consenting adults, and that was ....... 

[turboplanner]

......what Caappy had his eyes on.

He would head out from Kapooka, listening for any thru bolt pings, and scour Victoria for any lichen plantations.

 

For all the lies about cattle and sheep grazing under Solar Farm Panels, Lichen proliferated in the dry soil and shade, and Turbine Industries had locked in 3000 contracts all over Australia, but ...........................

 

 

Can you imagine McLaughlan's bull humping all the cows under the glass and the Ping!. Ping!, Ping! hour after hour as the panels crack.

[Captain]

56 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

and scour Victoria for any lichen plantations.

Which is not a simple task, as the entire joint is covered in moss and mildew so that it looks like one large bankrupt Munster's house where Frau Blucher has taken up residence.

 

56 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

Lichen proliferated in the dry soil and shade, and Turbine Industries had locked in 3000 contracts all over Australia, but .......

.... they had become fixated by the family of Crustose lichens and had totally ignored the more vitally important Foliose & Fruticose types and had therefore missed out on being able to process Xanthoria parietina, Usnea barbata, Cladonia cristatella, Lobaria pulmonaria and Rhizocarpon geographicum, which all show that while usually very astute, TI can also be total ......

 

Frau Blucher was HOT.

 

Edited Tuesday at 08:11 AM by Captain

[turboplanner]

Jesus, Cappy's turned into a Scientist.

[turboplanner]

......ly sure that they'll corner the Catsiosis Scraachelat market. Turbo, noting Cappy's apparent interest in Chemistry books  went through them after Cappy went to bed each night. He never found out what Cappy was looking for but noticed a story about the 13th Century Knights Templar      and how they cleared up fatal sword wounds in under 30 minutes. The story was called "The Search for the Holy Grail", but as Turbo read on it was clear they were looking for an edge in battle. A knight may not loo0k too good with half a face but he can still eat Kentucky Fried Chicken and he can still fight. One of the worrying issues at the cat farms was wounds from fighting, and so Turbo .........

[Captain]

12 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Jesus, Cappy's turned into a Scientist.

As you know, dear Turbo, I have never made a big thing of my numerous PhD's, as I prefer to fly (avref) under the radar.

 

But, in future, please do not invoke my lad's name in vain.

Edited Tuesday at 09:03 PM by Captain

[Captain]

11 hours ago, turboplanner said:

"The Search for the Holy Grail", but as Turbo read on it was clear they were looking for an edge in battle. A knight may not loo0k too good with half a face but he can still eat Kentucky Fried Chicken and he can still fight. One of the worrying issues at the cat farms was wounds from fighting, and so Turbo ......

.... decided to build his own Grail and house it in a new pilgrim friendly temple complex down near the cat poo drying yard at the farm. (The term pilgrim-friendly just means including concession & Icon sales stands, one of which will sell dried cat poo molded into appropriate religious relics).

 

Turb's plan was then to have Crappy invoke all sorts of goodness and holiness onto and into the Grail before the cats started to use it as a scratching post.

 

The plan was going well, Cappy was all loaded up with holiness & bon-vivant, which he was ready to project, and now the only thing left was to .......

Edited Tuesday at 09:05 PM by Captain

[turboplanner]

........put it into practice. He looked around for someone to put in charge; The obvious person was OneTrack who was skilled at marketing, and knew how to handle Cat poo, but he also knew that in the unwashed area OT had been bastardised by the seven headed serpent, and had gone to Tibet to meditate and find out how to neuter a seven headed serpent. He decided to offer a 7 figure salary, but first he had to fly to Tibet, then he had to walk up the pass which went down into the valley of Shangri La. As Cappy descended he saw hundreds of Drifters, Thrusters and all sorts of ultralights flying around.                                                                                                          He noticed that his paunchy gut had shrunk, his fat legs had thinned, his scaly arms had smoothed out and muscles had appeared.         He could feel his droopy jowls falling off, his ear hair disappeared, the ears shrank and sat nicely beside his head.                                              He could hear, and he could see and a mane of dark Viking hair grew. His step was lighter and he wasn't thinking about the next gin. Onward he walked towards a tall, distinguished OT who was handing out Cat labels to ..................................

Edited Tuesday at 10:59 PM by turboplanner

[CT9000]

.....any one driving a D6 or larger.....

[Captain]

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

He could hear, and he could see and a mane of dark Viking hair grew. His step was lighter and he wasn't thinking about the next gin. Onward he walked towards a tall, distinguished OT who was handing out Cat labels to .....

.... all and sundry.

 

"Are you Cappy or Fabio?" asked OT "As I have never been able to tell you two apart, then he threw himself down at Cappy's/Fabio's feet and said "I'm busting to come back into the NES, so keep writing me in until I am there in person."

 

"No wuckers" responded cappy/Fabio in his sophisticated Italian accent, as he molded half a kilo of dried cat poo into a snow globe model of the Grail inside the Sistine chapel, and then .....

 

Is that Fabio or Cappy? I think Cappy, as he has a shirt & chest that are identical to that.

[Captain]

5 hours ago, CT9000 said:

.....any one driving a D6 or larger.....

Apologies CT, as I jumped you. It is me who is the CT on this occasion.

5 hours ago, CT9000 said:

.....any one driving a D6 or larger.....

.... implement, that is .....

[turboplanner]

......powered by CAT.

Some of these implements can cut the heads [avref Bluehead] off a thousand acre paddock in 45 minutes, whereupon the Cockie goes back to watching "The Voice". Not many people know that Cappy applied to take part in an episode of "The Voice" once. (He has a beautiful baritone, albeit with a pommy accent). He got into the final group for the cut. The group had to sing in front of Delta Goodrem who was to choose the contestants. You wouldn't believe it but Caappy chose the song..............

[Captain]

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

The group had to sing in front of Delta Goodrem who was to choose the contestants. You wouldn't believe it but Caappy chose the song.....

.... that he had written in the cab on the way to the studio, titled "I have the hots for you Delta" and although he was actually referring to the Nile delta, the song got Crappy into the .....

[turboplanner]

.......naughty corner [WrecFline FW award ref] with the words ...............

[Captain]

10 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.......naughty corner [WrecFline FW award ref] with the words ...............

..... from Delta "Get over there into that naughty corner and I will be over there as soon as the cameras are off, then Kyle will come over too and we can have a triet (duet + 1ref) .....

Edited Wednesday at 09:05 PM by Captain

[turboplanner]

........but the exchange was heard by the Producer who was horrified at this behaviour you wouldn't see in animals ( althought Turbo had a bull....but that's another story) and yelled "Yez get outtathat corner and XXXXXXX sing ay!"

There was a scramble for seats, and Cappy finished the song in a weak falsetto, and was bordering on being kicked out as a dud (this apparently happens frequently) when ........................