Captain
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Everything posted by Captain
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..... what is that in feet, Tubb, as I have never come to grips with this confusing metric stuff. Being of the "right age", and being in Juvenile Detention on the 14th of February 1966, I have always been happier measuring length in Barleycorns or Lines, and evaluating area in Oxgangs. As my best mate Turbo knows from visiting Crappy's Farm at YKKA 6 or 8 times each year, the speed limit on the expressway is 12,992,133 Barleycorns per hour, we are located 54,330,738 Barleycorns north of Moorabbin, our driveway is 283,465 Lines long, where Tubb & I shoot a heap of foxes on our 23 Oxgangs of prime rural land. I also use the Firkin as my prime unit to measure volume, and that is also very popular in WA where it is often stated that there is "a furkin lot of sand". This all comes back to the equally quaint fact that, even though Turdy and bull don't have any, the fuel capacity of a Drifter is exactly 38,400 apothecarial fluid Scruples, so when you refuel one you need to .....
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..... perform in Normanton before the huge crowds at "Mud World", where the .....
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..... razor sharp consciousness that the Gin Gin Light was real (Cappy had always been told that these lights were the result of methane escaping from Rod Marsh, which he then lit as a party trick). As Cappy examined the light, he realised that it was a quite good looking middle-aged aboriginal lady with the sun at her 6, shimmering through her wispy cotton dress, and carrying a glinting bottle of Tanqueray that had already been polished off via a chug-a-lug, then filled again with a chaser of Creme de Menthe. As a result, the aboriginal lady was also looking a bit green, around the gills, but she bravely continued to teach the school kids and to .....
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.... was a frightening experience for the "Gin" peoples, (some would say "tribe", but they are more than that) who dominated Bombay culture at that time, with their early Cargo Cult practices, their worship of the multi armed Turbine deity (one of the girls at his school had accused him of being "All hands"), their red transverse spring sportscars made from papier mache and their poorly built full sized Thrusters that were actually better constructed than the original. That, and more Gin than you can shake a swagger stick at, is a fatal yet fun mix that meant that .....
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... his fingernails went blue, so it was either the extreme altitude or his nail polish must have been old stock, and his Up/Down meter thingy went ....
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.... also had 2 Aussie roundels displayed below his cock-pit, so that .....
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..... then fell over from the levity, after which they stood then turned to moon Cappy. All Cappy saw was 12 bullseyes similar to Turbo's, except that these were in better nick, so he raised the three-oh, set the sights for "perineum" and started to plug them from left to right, with a clip change after # 10 had been torn a new one. Luckily Blu Tak, or Bluey to his mates, was #12 and Cappy recognized him, mid moon, from the size of his ......
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..... what he thought could be a foreboding, and while he could be unpredictable at times, as confirmed by Turbo recently, he was also careful in the extreme when his best mate had gone Ni-Nis and Cappy had a duty, even above the usual obligations of mateship, to protect Tink, so Cappy walked, Kukri in hand, bravely but carefully towards the eerie green glow and he ......
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.... who had been "goosed" a number of times in the past, was therefore very wary, and he ......
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..... made them whinge a bit too, so poor old Cappy had complaints & whining in stereo, so that encouraged him to ......
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.... the Crappy/Turdbine friendship was consummated, when several Natives decided to initiate a sneak attack because they knew that Tubb couldn't handle his Gin, and Crappy would be "unpredictable" as Turbo so correctly said above. So picture the scene, Dear Readers. Turbo was in the middle of a sad funk thinking of some previous lady that had let him get somewhere near it, Gin soaked, sweaty in the Khyber heat, and still whinging about the healing bullet hole next to his. Crappy was alert as usual, even while listening to Tubb's 23rd pathetically sad story about the same lady, yet he had the Kukri and his Three-Oh + 20 clips of ball ammo at the ready, as the Native band approached and .....
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.... his lucky rabbit's foot (which is still attached to the rabbit so that it can be lucky too), his personal coconut oil, and most importantly of all, his Jabaroota (Jabiru, & not The Hutt) keyring containing his best .... Few people know how close Tubb's comments are to the bone, as when growing up, at about 14 yo and 2 ft shorter than he is now, Crappy spent time in a Gurkha Regiment (Tubb's misspelling is a dire insult) in order to increase his efficiency with the use of the Kukri, a skill in which Crappy is very proficient and as a result he kills silently & makes mean sushi. Crappy's personal kukri is seen below
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.... Swagger Stick, which Dian uses to belt the gorillas that play up a bit. The irony of the mention of a Swagger Stick is important, as Turbo had one up the Khyber, and his had a 50 cal projectile on the top and a 50 cal expended case on the other end, so a thick bit of wood with metal weights on each end, with which to flog the troops. As an insider joke that brought much merriment to the entire battalion, and giggles from the natives on the other side, the Doctors presented Turbs with a chopstick-based Swagger Stick, fitted with the warped & slightly mushroomed three-oh projectile that was extracted from his ding, with a .22 LR case on the other end. Turbo has always had a great sense of humour and camaraderie, so he immediately donated that to the Battalion Museum where it can be seen today, including with the bits of Turbo that are still attached to the projectile, and the other ......
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.... difficult situations of breakages, until Achmal Selley, from the Sellulite culture, invented a new range of products to stick the Sphinx back together, and one of Dian Fossey's mates came up with Gorilla Grip to stick the end back on Dian's .....
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Which was a bit of a shame for Neb III, because he never had the chance to be conceived.
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Below, Dear Readers, is one of my most precious possessions, having been given to me by Turbo when we were both about 13. It contains the nursery-rhyme "Mary Had a Little Goat" in his own cuneiform hand/wedge writing, plus a filthy ditty from an old story from one of Turbo's towelhead ancestors, about a dirty weekend away in Babylon. As you can see, they really knew how to play up in those days ..... and where the myth about 72 virgins got started.
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it is also little known, Dear Readers, that it was a direct anticedent of Turbo's who was the 1st Hunter-Gatherer to ever grow wheat, hence the origin of Turbine-Tip Top, which in the Mesopotamian lingo means Toasty White Bread. Turbo also got into strife at school for writing on clay with little wedges and for telling rude jokes in Aramaic.
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.... ,"sone" being a Mesopotamian word meaning "a few" or "several", and 1st discovered by Turbine Archaeology when they broke the Cuneoform writing code using Turbine AI. 'We don't need no stinking AI" said a TA spokesman "As we have access to the great man himself & he broke the code before smoko, + quicker than that gay dude played by Bendabit Cumabatch, at Bletchley Park, before he .....
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.... and with that Crappy remembered Ahlox's prophetic words "We only fight fires that are on the flat, because we can't get up any big hills ........... and if it gets over 40C at any time, we are entitled to stand down & go home, just like the teachers and the polys do". This reflected badly on the NSW & Vic Gumnts and they issued a statement that said ......
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.... (Plethora of avrefs), but then the penny dropped for poor old Crappy, when he realised that Loxy was just trying to drive a wedge into the relationship to have Crappy dump on his best mate and comrade of many decades. Crappy turned and said "A pox on you Ahlox (Shakespearref), for while I am prepared to grant you a conditional coffee-drinking & flying mateship, I cannot entertain attacks on the TurgidPlonker even if he isn't entertaining." Then Crappy continued on "As Turbo so often says to me, Amicus est amicus and then as I so often respond Sodālis est sodālis, so sod-off-Ahlox (discede Ahloxus) if you cannot accept my loyalty to a long-term mate, or my penchant for Latin on occasions. Ahlox immediately replied "I, capetane, in malam crucem!" (because AI does not translate "F U Crappy" which is what he actually said), and Loxly then .......
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.... , and woe betide you if you stood back to let them into the lift first." It is little known that at the 1st meeting between Goldylox and Crappy, convened to slag off Turbo while sipping caffein, (27 other members of Wreck Flying wanted to attend too, for that very purpose), Crappy asked Loxy for a length of fire hose and a shiny brass nozzle with which to impress receptive ladies and the vulnerable public. "Those were the days" recollected Crappy as he dwelled on his close association with AhLox and flying in close company with his beer-can all over southern NSW and south of the Rio-Murray. As Goldylox so often said "You'd think that we would run out of issues about which to slag off Mextoria and TurdBoy, but the opportunities just keep on coming like a shooting gallery". "I don't like those needle joints either" said Cappy, ever the stalwart for civic morality. "And I'll tell you another thing Loxy" he added "......
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.... Crappy bought a bucket hat just to commemorate it. However, in true Mextorian fashion, and just like Jacinta, the bucket that tipped over was full of s.....
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..... said "Alan?" "Yes" she continued "But with 2 L's, and that means .....
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Oh, ..... so the computer ate his homework again. Oh well, at least we are off and running again. But, Dear Readers, was that actually a shoddy reaction to Tubb's past criminal exploits being exposed to sunlight ........... or the fact that you all now know that he drove an FE?
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And so, Dear Readers, it is my melancholy duty to inform you that the NES has ground to a halt ...... a little like Mextoria. And it is too late for Turdy to add some dots via an edit, so the NES is basically fxxxxd .... again, like Vicmanistan. But it has been a good ride, while it lasted and 954 pages is not to be sneezed at.
