Captain

13 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

...... the flying [avref] bullets were like a river of molten lead. The Khybers were terrified and many closed both eyes.

The British firing dried up and everyone had a cup of tea .....

..... a durry (Kharlboros were very popular, due to their use of a rugged bloke in their adverts, dressed in a 10-gallon turban, and riding a camel), and a good lie down, before the lead starts flying (another avref) again.

Somewat decided to initiate a bold and cunning plan, so he .......

38 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

The Khybers  had seen first hand how effective it was, and General Somewat Slim issued orders to his men telling them to close one eye, so he could reduce his casualties by 50%.

 

This ........

..... , one eyed walking & the lack of depth perception, however, caused his troops to fall off the side if they were ascending the pass, or if they were descending the pass while walking backwards.

Hence the British & Skippy expression "I fell over and hurt, or otherwise damaged, my khyber", which was a waste of perfectly good letters, when they could have just said "I fell on my bum".

While Slim's casualties were initially reduced by 50%, the rate went back up again when their sore bums meant that they had to stand and their heads stuck up above the parapet, where the ......

14 hours ago, onetrack said:

......of the old saying, "2 litres only comes in milk bottles!". This saying was always immediately guaranteed to raise hackles, and if you mentioned "rice racer" in the same sentence, then that statement would certainly bring about a raging brawl based on the number of litres, and what you could expect from 2 litres of....................

..... Honda Accord, which, after the Honda Jet, is their next project to provide a rice-burner to the Light Sport category.

The only current issue is that the Honda concept has the engine mounted above the left wing in a pod, and with a single engine, that gives asymmetric thrust, which can be a bit of a bother when ......

18 hours ago, turboplanner said:

The Puss Moth got its name from .......

.... the fact that the paint on the wings & empennage was made in Wuhan, well before that town became known for that other little health scare, and that paint (WP) caused severe infections that needed to be drained into milk bottles, because ......

19 hours ago, CT9000 said:

note to turbs, you are welcome to fly in to the Darraweit Guim regional airport to         have a look at this wonderful place 

Beware CT as your insurance premiums will go thru the roof if he accepts your kind invitation.

44 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

The loop throttle quadrant lever was made by Aston Martin in England, some saying it was the best product they ever made, because it could .........

..... , through a series of valves that were pirated from an old HMV radio, undertake basic AI functions,  and while marketed as just your basic and bog-standard Aston Martin LTQR, it was actually able to intrinsically maintain glide slope within 2 ft, and flare automatically during a landing as the throttle closed automatically.

This, or course, made a huge difference during WWII, when pilot training could be cut back to just teaching basic take-off skills and the pilots could be chucked into the fray after only 2 hours of training. That meant that .....

4 hours ago, onetrack said:

......promptly crashed into the top branches of a huge gum tree that he hadn't seen, as he was too busy "middle-fingering" the people on the ground. The Jacka lost its undercarriage, one elevator, part of the tailplane and 100mm off the end of the prop blades - but it was still flying! - as bull found out, whilst hastily pulling his finger out of...........

..... his .....

13 hours ago, onetrack said:

(OT notices that Cappy has failed to ID the big bloke trying to beat Hilary to the BRB - he should've advised all the NES readers, that it's actually Turbo.....)

This post, in reality, by positively identifying Turbo as Sergey Viktorovich Lavrov, is accusing Turbo of being a puppet of the Russian Government and, by extension, one of Vlad's bumboys.

Knowing as I do that Turbo is only loyal to one cause (being himself/Turbine Industries) therefore, due to his assertion and the fake dossier that is available on his website, it is logical to question whether Onesie might actually be Christopher Steele, hiding like a rabid quokka in the back-blocks of WA ............ which is now a favored hideout for most of eastern Australia's and the world's rejects, grifters, snake oil salesmen, and terrorists, because there are a plethora of sandhills to hide behind, spaced on average every 250 m (Oh, the sand).

Like the murderers from the Batavia (on which all WA traditions were founded), the world's flotsam and jetsam therefore gravitated naturally to the area around Southern Cross, where they formed the WA Freedom of Thought & 72 Virgins Association, which was akin, in constitution and regalia to the local SC Masonic Lodge #786, and Chris (OT) Steele was elected Grand Poohbah and Mufti.

Is this the Onesie that we know and love?

..... Hillary grabbed the Big Red Button in an attempt to reset the world order and to .....

Killary and the BRB

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

".... take a minute, I'll get rid of these pearl handled revolvers and the cigar because no poor bastard ever won a war by dying for his country."

Which came as a bit of a shock to every random bomb chucker, failed IED builder, and suicide bomber, that are still searching for their virgins, particularly after the small print was explained to them that nowhere does it specify that the virgins must be female.

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

Turbo recognised the voice and snapped to attention, dropping his gun, which the Patton figure quickly kicked over the fence with his left foot. Amazed at this, Turbo hesitated just that little bit too long and ......

...... he was caught like a roo in the headlights, with his hand on his .....

14 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.....Gough Whitlam and Joh BP. 

But Turbo, who hadn't recognised bull's disguise, cut him off and was just about to plug bull when hew thought he recognised a familiar voice.........

.... which said "g'day turbo eh. don't shoot eh, it's me eh, bull from bone eh and i'll give you a cut of my loot (eh) ifn you will just .....

Cappy is aware that in sketchy places Turbo often goes by the sudonym of "Hugh" (short for "Huge"), but has never before seen him use the spelling of "hew".

15 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Just as bull swaggered down the Allestrande Lause, a figure ......

.... , who looked a lot like General Patton (it was actually Turbo wearing a metal helmet and carrying an ivory handled pistol) confronted bull and called "Hande Hoch".

For a moment, bull packed death, then darted down an alleyway (the one on the right off Allestrande Lause near the Peace Steps and just before the War Steps) following the well documented WWII escape route, which was used by .....

30 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.....had enough money to fill it up for life.

When he tried to put his money into a Swiss Bank .......

 

..... these huge values of funds were assumed and declared by the Bank to be the proceeds of crime, (1) because bull has always been a bit shonky, and (2) because he has been consorting with a known undesirable (Turdboy). (bull & Turdy must really be suss & on-the-nose, because the Swiss bank johnnies have had no trouble over the years with stashing Nazi loot, gold teeth from the concentration camps & gulags, or the takings from the Mexican cartels).

But bull had another trick up his caftan and ......

4 hours ago, onetrack said:

It was just so easy to utilise Shirley to find out when the next OPEC meeting was going to held, and by how much the oil price was going to be ramped up. As a result of this valuable information, OT bought up a sizeable volume of oil futures, and when the........

...... the price went up, OT's did too.

"That's a bit stiff" commented bull, when he had to pay the extra to fill up his Jackoff, so he decided to short oil, until he ......

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

nor did she see Albo as one, partiularly after he'd stood up to Don T.

For that matter, she thought she might like a bit of bomb chucking, so when Ahmed asked to borrow her ASIC card, she said ......

..... "Only if I can have my own pager and join the People's Front for Toorak ....... (after all, "What have VicPol and Danny-Boy ever done for us?")".

Ahmed thought that Shirley would look hot through the letterbox opening in a burka, so he took her to the next meeting of the PFfT and she was ......

How Ahmed imagines Shirley, the Numphette

And Shirl, when the mozzies & flys (avref) are around.

16 hours ago, turboplanner said:

....naive. The G, as the Ragheads call them had promised her a "free one" and, thinking it was a free tow, Shirley ............

..... always took the gratis one, particularly if the bloke, or bloke-ette (Shirl was always a great fan of ACDC, and also of Bon Scott), looked good enough that she would not have to chew her arm off in the morning.

Shirl was of an age that her vision of a rag-head involved an Italian or Greek concreter with his hankie tied in each corner, so she did not connect the term with bomb-chuckers, and that ......

18 hours ago, turboplanner said:

She'd learnt to fly the trike from a video; it was really quite easy, and as she swung on course and lined up on the five mile main street the whine died down, the Rotax coughed once then was silent. Her mind went to that fuel hose she'd bought and rivetteted on, but it was too late now; she was gliding quite well, if steeply, when ......

..... the local GFA gestapo radioed and asked to see her GFA license, and why she had not gotten the required 17 clearances from the CFI at the local Royal Norseman Heights Gliding Club + paid for a cable launch.

Shirl knew this clown from a blind date that she had consented to some years before, when she had been particularly ......

18 hours ago, turboplanner said:

......Chiko asked for a 50% Royalty on the profits and backed it up with a Leegal Opinion from Hammer&Crusher of Kalgoorlie.

 

Now we all know what the Tracks are like at paying their share;Augustus spat the dummy in the dirt and it was on......

..... a Monday when the street sweeper had not been active since the Thursday of the fortnight before, so the dirt had accumulated and was particularly grotty, plus this had been augmented by the Norseman Nightsoil Carters (the NNCs) that had twice dropped their traditional half gallon dollop out of each can, onto the streets and around a moribund Chiko, unless the carters had received a good Chrissy present the previous Dec 25th. (Some say that this may have been from whence Chiko got his ideas about that extra little flavoring something that he included in the CRs).

Norseman people are renowned for being extremely frugal & for not being generous at Christmas, so the streets were full of .....

19 hours ago, onetrack said:

The Chiko Roll was invented on a cold Winters night, by a famous relative of OT's, one Augustus Fulltrack, who ran a large food van in the downtown area of Norseman, catering to hungry, tired, long-haul truckies, who had no choice in that long ago era,

Mind you, those would still be preferable to what is available currently in the Norseman TruckStop(s).

7 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

........the real stories behind.....

... the mainstream media's distortions about ......

37 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

But Cappy was another Neville Chamberlain "Peace in our time" merchant and .....

..... sent Qi's missus a stern yet tasteful message that commenced "G'day honey. If you will get Ping to back off a bit, I would be willing to again do those special things that you like. Love Cappy"

This worked and the Chinese immediately started to dismantle the Spratleys and sacked everyone in their Navy.

When he heard of this and saw the effects of Cappy's work, the Crapster received another call.

"Howdie Crappy if I may be so familiar, it's Don here, do you have time now for a chat or should I call back when it suits you better ........ or I could fly over in AF1 and land at Y-KKA where we can have a good chinwag, and you can give me some pointers."

"No wuckers Don" replied Cappy, who is never difficult to get on with, and they then had a delightful, encrypted discussion that covered ...... 

35 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.........Hit with a capital B.

It was selling all round the world thanks to the Turbo AI clips showing Turbo bronzed in the oil standing in front of trains just in time to stop them from being hit by landslides, nudging his yacht right up to an iceberg to allow a Polar Bear to jump on board, avoiding starvation, and Turbo shaking hands with a lion. The clips went viral in India where people oiled up like Turbo, dressed in Safari suit, drank Tennesee whiskey and respected women. A rock band even named themselves after this runaway success. Only One Track wasn't happy, saying .........

...... "All of those images were generated by the cheap & cheerful "Turdbine AI" based in Bangladesh using a secondhand laptop, so all of the animals have 5 legs, and even Turbo himself has 3 1/2 legs + an oversized lump in his Safari Suit ...... while all the time Turbo himself was lying on his motheaten couch in Moorabbin with cans of VB strewn all around, and a rotten .....

19 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.....tried to delay the clap with chiko roll oil.

He picked up his chikos as best he could and was just about to put them.........

..... , and their oil, out as a NHS medical breakthrough, necessary because the Rolling Stones were due to tour again, and all of their fans were preparing to clap, or to catch it at after-parties all over OZ.

Chiko roll oil, or CRO as the knockoff was named & mandated in Uganda by Pfizer, was indeed a .....

"Mandated" requires that every male be injected with CRO in the date.

2 hours ago, onetrack said:

.....frozen chiko rolls together, and he watched in great concern as the broken pieces rolled across the floor, giving him.........

.... a feeling of deja-vu, because something like this had happened before when he had .....

40 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

Turbine WC had made a fortune by undercutting the traditional welcome TC people with a Special Price of $740.00 each, The Councils, desperate for savings had picked it up the deal to save money and the bros got a pig on a spit dinner for every new Council signed up. Soon the aotearoa tribe's Native Title push netted them 35% of Australia, until......

..... the great Turbine WtC scandal, where Cappy and Turbs, who have both been certified as 1.5% aboriginal (due to indiscretional dalliances by their great, great, grandfathers), performed what would become a very seminal Welcome TC at the Rockhampton Show ("seminal" in this case means strongly influencing later developments, ..... not as it relates to the donation of semen).

Both were wearing lap laps and stomping + jumping, imitating the rainbow wombat, when, during a critical part of the ceremony, their private bits feel out the side and dangled there, glinting in the lights of the showground, while .....

Some critics have called this a coordinated costume malfunction, but it was purely accidental and based on the weight of their junk, and the diagonal strength of the material in the lap lap.