The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

Jesus! who let my cats out!!!!!!!!!

[Captain]

11 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Jesus! who let my cats out!!!!!!!!!

Without wishing to blaspheme (as all NESers know, this is a God-fearing Site and the NES is particularly devout) so I must ask Father Turbo "How would Jesus know, or are you inferring that he has been involved in the TCF's catmeat scam?"

 

From my experience in the Ministry, J is more into frankincense and myrrh, than moggie cutlets.

Edited June 18 by Captain

[Captain]

27 minutes ago, Captain said:

Jesus! who let my cats out!!

This post also demonstrates Turbo's Archbishop-like (or dare I say Pope-ish) standing within the Christian community, in that he feels that he can summon Jehova at will.

[onetrack]

And at Turbo's agitated plea, JC himself showed up in a golden-sunlit cloud, to reassure him that all was well, and the Vietnamese police bust would only be seen as a small black mark on his lifes record, when he turned up at the Pearly Gates. At the mention of Pearly Gates, Turbo muttered, "Gates! Of course, I put Cappy in charge of Cat security, and this is what happens!!"

 

At the mention of Cappys name of course, JC disappeared again in a puff of smokey cloud, because there was no way he wanted to hang around for ages, reading out Cappys despicable number of black marks on his Heavenly file.

 

This left Turbo to ponder what line of response he could  take, when the media, and then the police called (the media always beat the police to the offenders, of course), asking awkward questions about animal abuse. And then there would be the RSPCA, with their................

[turboplanner]

........tough questions.  Turbo requests no one spread this, but he came home one night and there was a card stuck into the lock from an RSPCA Inspector (well above CASA FOI, and twenty times as officious.) It said:"A woman in a passing car had reported neglected stock to him; they had no water."

 

It sounded like the Inspector had flown [averf] into a rage, and had written his mobile number as well looking for an urgent call back, to save the lives of the animals (which) were now well asleep in their hay.

 

It was 11:30 pm; Standing there in the car headlights, Turbo dialled the number, and after a long time a grumpy voice said "Who's THIS!?"

 

"Agent Turbine" replied Turbo, I'm looking at your card in my gate lock regarding no water for stock" The Inspector summoned his day persona and confidently said, in that I've got you! tone "Ah yes, bit of a worry, sir."

"Did you go on to the property'?" 

"Oh No!" (he obviuosly knew how hard the Wallopers can hit with a telephone book), he said.

 

"Did you look over the gate, and three metres away see a Stock Trough brimming with water, fed by a permanent pipe?

 

The RSPCA became his best friend instantlyand from that .......................

 

 

Not many people know that Jesus was the forerunner to Siri. and Google, where you say Hey Google, can you tell me the landing fee at Canowindra and a voice says "The landing fee at Canowindra is $10.50."

Prior to that people would say: "Jesus Christ!" in anger and get no answer.

or they'd be driving in the wet, and say "Jesus!" as they aquaplaned and Jesus would check their record - confirmed? number of Church services, good deeds, landing fees paid, screwing around and his HP would spit out a yes or no, and he'd give the car a push back on line, or let it go into a tree.

Jesus often complained to Turbo about Recreational Aviation pilots calling him all the time tosave them after they screwed up. "I can help some" he said, but I've got a lot of truckies to look after too."

 

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

but I've got a lot of truckies to look after too."

As chassises are cracking left right and centre (that means how often, but it also means where the cracks are located) and Turbine Truck Insurance are dodging the claims.

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

The RSPCA became his best friend instantlyand from that .........

..... , the germ of an idea grew into a ......

[Captain]

16 hours ago, Captain said:

..... , the germ of an idea grew into a ......

.... carbuncle which .....

[turboplanner]

.....burst........

[Captain]

.... just when he least ....

[turboplanner]

.....s.....

[onetrack]

......ought to avoid responsibilities by quoting medical problems. "I'm sorry. I can't do that, my carbuncle is playing up". This avoidance of responsibilities started with a very young Turbo telling his Mum he couldn't go to school that day, because he had a tummy ache. He found this stunt an excellent fall-back position, when all else failed to absolve him of his responsibilities.

 

His latest heavy responsibility came when the police paid him a visit. "Good evening Sir", the plod said pleasantly. "At the behest of the Vietnamese police, we are investigating illegal Cat Farming operations, and we have some information, mostly gained by electronic means, that indicates you could be involved in such operations. Would you care to enlighten us further?"

 

At that, Turbo clutched his stomach and said. "Oooohhhh!! I've got a........................

[turboplanner]

..........Tummy Ache.

The Vietnamese cop pushed a 357 magnum into it, changihng his attitude.

He said Someone's got it wrong  that's a Mexican cow, the Mexicans call them El Cat. We call them cat el in Queensland eh.

 

This confused the Vietnaamese ccop who let him off, but

[Captain]

13 hours ago, turboplanner said:

..........Tummy Ache.

The Vietnamese cop pushed a 357 magnum into it, changihng his attitude.

He said Someone's got it wrong  that's a Mexican cow, the Mexicans call them El Cat. We call them cat el in Queensland eh.

 

This confused the Vietnaamese ccop who let him off, but .....

... insisted that Tubb join him for dinner (as Tubb is a c too) where the walloper also disclosed that he was a Rep for the Vietnam Appreciation Society and when he was undercover on the Cat Scam one of Turbo's fixers got to him and he now wanted to collect.

 

"Your Feexer say that you have a good looking seester and $10 (ten-dollar prease) is the bargaining ......

[turboplanner]

.......price.

"Yes" said Turbo, only $10.00, and the conversation became much more friendly.

An hour or so later Turbo started, and said "Is that the time?" I promised to take Lexie in for treatment today and rushed off.....

[onetrack]

.....to check his diary. Yes, there it was, the 8:00AM appointment for Lexie to have her "treatment". That treatment was a wash, a fur clip, a nail trim, and a dose of dog perfume. Because Lexie the poodle was Turbos favourite, and she always needed to look her best, for the dog parades that Turbo frequently attended. However, when Turbo turned up for the dog parade the following day, he realised that.........

 

Edited June 21 by onetrack

[turboplanner]

...he had his wife on the lead, and....................

[onetrack]

.........she was also wearing the studded black dog collar. Turbo was stunned. What had happened in the interval between getting in the car, and getting out at the parade? Was there a............

[Captain]

8 hours ago, onetrack said:

.........she was also wearing the studded black dog collar. Turbo was stunned. What had happened in the interval between getting in the car, and getting out at the parade? Was there ............

..... to finally be a public parading of the wild stuff that Mrs. Turbo and the Great Man get up to several times (like lots and lots is what Turbo likes) each week, and the dog collar was merely a pre-cursor to their usual game, where Tubb pees ceremonially on the wheels of the 'Vette, and then they play the game of hide the .....

[turboplanner]

On 22/06/2026 at 4:35 AM, Captain said:

..... to finally be a public parading of the wild stuff that Mrs. Turbo and the Great Man get up to several times (like lots and lots is what Turbo likes) each week, and the dog collar was merely a pre-cursor to their usual game, where Tubb pees ceremonially on the wheels of the 'Vette, and then they play the game of hide the .....

......Corvette. It started out as an innocent game, until Turbo had it flown to the Spratleys (Mrs Turbo hqad been told this was a secret CIA Training camp that used ex-Russians to beat foreign nationals, so she stayed well away. Turbo had to "find" it himself because it wasn't the samewith no one waving and.........

[onetrack]

.......the Corvette colour changed from Torch Red to Olive, Drab (with added camouflage black and tan). In fact, Turbo spents weeks looking for it, and it wasn't helped by the fact that it was covered by camouflage netting.

 

Nonetheless, Turbo finally found it by utilising a local Labrador mine-sniffing dog (he noted the dog recoiled, once it got a sniff of the Corvette interior - it smelt of stale VB, Cuban cigars, and cheap perfume, the stuff they use pig pheromones in).

 

Once the dog recoiled, Turbo knew he'd finally found the Corvette. But to his horror, a swarm of Asian Giant hornets had made a nest in it, and this called for..........

[turboplanner]

....some Asian Giant hornet killer. There was none in Bunnings, so he went onto his favourite site and when the flurry of responses finished he had 1873 choices.

First he had to rule out things like lipstick. The most effeective one was "Pour 20 litres of diesel on the hive and light a match" but that would have ....................

[Captain]

59 minutes ago, onetrack said:

pheromones

Not many people know that Cappy used to play the drums in his very popular band in Sydney called the "Pheromones".

But Molly said that they weren't good enough for Countdown and he selected some idiot band from Adelaide and Perth with a guitarist wearing a school uniform.

"They'll never go anywhere" Cappy said in his famous quote in Rolling Stone.

Edited June 23 by Captain

[Captain]

56 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

First he had to rule out things like lipstick. The most effeective one was "Pour 20 litres of diesel on the hive and light a match" but that would have ......

..... just discouraged them for a short time, as the Queens in each AGH colony can chew thru a full plastic jerry can before breakfast, and anyway, Turbo wasn't about to waste $3 per litre during an Iranian inspired fuel shortage.

 

Then he remembered his methane and the fact that when he was filling the Hindenbine there were no Asian Giant Hornets within miles, so he ate a cabbage & turned his .....

Edited June 23 by Captain

[onetrack]

......rear towards the Corvetter interior, dropped his daks, held a ciggy lighter near his fundamental orifice, and let a huge one rip. The resulting blast was heard 11 kms away, and it generated a sonic boom that was mistaken for an SR-71 overflight.

 

12,850 Giant Asian Hornets died in that fireball, which was the equivalent of standing directly behind an FA-18 using full afterburners on takeoff (long-overdue avref).

 

Unfortunately, the fireball and following blast seriously blackened the interior of the Corvette, leading Turbo to ponder what................