Phil Perry

The purported names of the pilots on Asiana Flight 214 arrival at SFO!!"Sum Ting Wong," "Wi Tu Lo," "Ho Lee Fuk" and "Bang Ding Ow"

SCOTTISH WEDDING

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ….. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

New Book

A man goes into a book store and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out

for men with short penises?"

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"

Poor Lance Armstrong -

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.

Drive By

A guy broke into my apartment last week.

He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.

Now he drives by and changes the channels.

Sick Barstard!!

The Agony of Ageing

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

SCAM

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".

Turns out it's about golf.

Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

So True

Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.

The Moral of the story:

In life, no one helps you once you've been screwed

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?" "For goodness sakes ,if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

The meaning of life in 13 words……

“Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened”

Should that not read "not half as wiskey as wobbing bank "?On the subject of Chinglish, it was announced in the news here today about the Royal birth "Princess Kate exfoliates spore"

A cople of Chinese men broke into a liquor store late one night, and one said to the other. . .

" IS THIS WISKEY ?"

His mate said. . . .

"not half as wiskey as robbing bank "

At least they still got to go flying.

One more "ALWAYS ASK" story.

. . . . On the same day as the Jodel incident I just recounted. . ., a Gardan Minicab ( 2 seat side by side tailwheel config ) with 2 POB landed at a private strip not far from here. . . the aircraft veered sharply off the runway to the left just after touchdown, entering a bean crop which was approx shoulder height ( dunno anything about beans ) the propeller cut a semicircular channel through the crop for approximately 25 metres, at which point the aircraft tipped up onto it's nose and continued until inverted. Both occupants suffered only minor bruising and were able to exit the aircraft. there was no fire. The aircraft was substantially damaged but is regarded as "Economically Repairable" partly due to the "Cushioning Effect" of the type of crop ( ? )

The grass on the runway had not been cut for a while. . ., and the pilot did not know this because HE NEVER ASKED before attempting a landing. He cited the long grass as a contributory factor in the loss of directional control originally to the RIGHT . . towards a large Oak tree not far off the strip. He said that he over - corrected and veered off the strip on the other side. [ Note : the airstrip mentioned requires prior permission to be obtained by telephone from any prospective visitor ]

Phil

I'd say Phil they are probably both good pilots as in they actually flew the plane all the way to the accident and didn't rely on computers like the Korean 777 auto pilot/throttle attendants did at SFO.

Two occupants, injuries not serious, aircraft completely destroyed. Occupants were both able to exit the wreckage and walk unaided to a nearby house. Both airlifted to hospital as a precautionary measure.

No other comments, as no further info available at this time.

Phil

Could be one at Broken Hill in October.Big celebration flyin.

Phil mate, you have jogged my memory. Way back in the late 60's I was working for a boss that had I think a Bonanza. He used to fly quite frequently. I was taken in by his preflight inspection, like kicking the tires, fuel sampling and checking for birds nests etc.We were on our way back home at Low level after a stock inspection when the motor gave as I recall a "miss" I glanced over to get some reaction but he just looked straight ahead. A few seconds later it happened again a bit more severely, this time he looked at me and declared "WHAT WAS THAT?" Do you think it is carby ice? I said give it a go. only door was on his side thankfully as I may have bailed out.

Never flew with him again.

 

So again, never assume somebody is a good pilot, even if they say they are.

Phil mate, you have jogged my memory. Way back in the late 60's I was working for a boss that had I think a Bonanza. He used to fly quite frequently. I was taken in by his preflight inspection, like kicking the tires, fuel sampling and checking for birds nests etc.We were on our way back home at Low level after a stock inspection when the motor gave as I recall a "miss" I glanced over to get some reaction but he just looked straight ahead. A few seconds later it happened again a bit more severely, this time he looked at me and declared "WHAT WAS THAT?" Do you think it is carby ice? I said give it a go. only door was on his side thankfully as I may have bailed out.

Never flew with him again.

 

So again, never assume somebody is a good pilot, even if they say they are.

I was asked to take a young lad on a birthday flight not long back, and his dad said to me ( honestly ) "Are you a good, SAFE pilot ? ? ? "

I said, " I dunno,. . .ask me after my next reval check flight. . . . . .

I called the Wife last night and told her that I'd got myself an exciting new job. She said . . ."What Job is this ? "

I said,

"Well. . .I have live sex on stage"

She said,

"Are you having Me on ? "

I said,

"Well, I'll ASK, . . . . . But so far, the other girls have been very thin and very pretty. . . ."

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL ..

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BARSTARD ASKED..

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

The oldies are the bestest Phil. . . . ! ! !

Fortunately for the passenger, IF the pilot was sitting in an energised Twinnididdle, it would be reasonably safe to assume that he COULD well have learned to aviate in something a lttle less technoriffic, and would therefore have SOME idea of how not to die today.

Anyway, no good dissecting the joke, as if we do, it is less amusing.

Alan Basket ( Casey airfield Berwick) told me a similar one in 1973 about a CFA fire spotter bloke who jumped into a C-150 whilst the instructor had run off to take a quick wee. . . . this was to emphasise the "CHECK FIRST - DON'T ASSUME ANYTHING" philosophy too.

This was following a solo recheck flight the day before, where I had ASSUMED that Alan would have stowed his seatbelt properly before shutting his door. . . , and I failed to check. . . . I called a mayday as I thought that I was being shot at from the ground with some kind of machine gun when in fact it was the seat belt buckle banging on the side of the fuselage. . . . . ( ! )

There is still a handful of Drovers around.

WHERE ? ? ? ?

I WANT PICS ! ! ! ! !

Phil

I keep ggling and can't find what happened to the 777 @ LAX?

What ? the Missus ?. . . No,. . . .she stayed in the van with her seatbelt on. . . . .

Phil ... You should take her down to The Green , there's a half decent cafe though , and on the way back , show her Dudley Castle and The Black Country Museum .. The newspaper " Express and Star" brings back memories ...

But I'd have to get a clearance to enter part of the Birmingham CTR and I can't be ar*ed just for a joyride over DUGLY CASSLE !! ( apart from that, the txpdr isn't working properly, and is in the workshop being fixed. ) Phil

I was minding my own business, cruising around the Welsh hills in my old post office van, . . dunno if they had the old "Commer" van in OZ, they had sliding doors on the driver and passenger sides which could be held in the open position with a handy lever. . . . . very nice on a hot day . .

The road was very winding, and suddenly a lady driver appeared around a bend, in the opposite direction and yelled, "PIG - PIG - PIG" she screamed. . . . ? I took immediate umbrage ( as you do. . .) and shouted "Aw shuddup yer stupid woman ! "

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Then,. . around the next bend,. . .

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I ran over a pig.

If it's a good flight and a good bacon sarnie, what else could she want??

San Francisco International Phil. There is more than one large city in California !...in fact there are many. Did you know the state of California has the worlds sixth largest economy ?......keep buying those IPads, Microsoft products and movie tickets....Maj...

Thanks for the Geog lesson Ross,. . . .

Better make sure I pack my Garmin GPS 12 next time I go walkabout around the States. . . .

Did you offer to take her up for a flight in a light aircraft Phil? - might be worthwhile, especially if she writes a halfway decent piece about it.

Even though the weather spoiled most of my veg growing and produced very little.The hard work made it worthwhile to pull this feller out of the ground.

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.She descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below replied “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said theballoonist.

“I am”, replied the man.“How did you know?”

“Well", answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip even more.”

The man below responded, “You must be in management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “You have NO IDEA where you are or where you’re going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!”

Apologies to true aeronauts

Australian pilots will always be in demand,why?

 

because we can fly

Do any of you ne'er do wells remember the old Aussie TV series "The Flying Doctor" where the star aeroplane was the 3 engined DeHaviland Drover. . . ( three inverted Gypsy Major [tiger moth] engines in close formation ) and Charlie White was the pilot. . . . That was the show that got me into aviation in the first place ( damn you Charlie,. . .you cost me a bloody fortune over the years. . . ) I wonder if there are any "Drovers" left on the planet now. . . be a damn shame if there weren't.

In the us but from Australia so know who Vanstone isYour comment reminds me of the old joke, what do you do if a bird sh1ts on your windscreen? You don't take her on a second date....

Don't see the correlation to which you refer NB,. . . . .

Have you had the right side of your brain hemisphere tested recently, because. . . . it said in the Daily Express Newspaper ( so it MUST be true. . . ) today that it was now an established fact [ Research conducted in the USA ] that people who have a large amount of electrical activity in the right hemisphere are natural pessimists, whereas those with most of the activity on the left side . . . .

However, I DO remember the joke,. . .but in London it was about two Derroes sitting on a bench in a London park discussing the same ornotholigcal versus girlfriend excretion subject . . . .

For heaven's sake man. . . . lighten the mood. . . otherwise you'll end up being hanged by the neck until you cheer up.

Kind regards,

Phil