Marty_d

It was a busy time at the confessional when the bishop remembered an urgent meeting. He took the young trainee priest aside and said, "My son - I really need to go. Please take over in the confessional for a while."

The trainee was taken aback and said "But Father - I don't know the penances!"

The bishop was prepared. "It's ok - I've hung a list on the inside wall. All the main sins and their penances are on it." As an altar boy went past he grabbed him. "Timmy, you help Brother John with confessional". Glancing quickly at his watch, he patted them both on the back and left.

The trainee priest went into the confessional and Timmy waited outside.

The first sinner, an attractive young woman, entered the booth. "Father forgive me, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin?" asked the priest.

"I gave a blow job to someone who was not my husband."

The priest looked down the list, but couldn't see "blow job" anywhere. Opening the door he whispered to the altar boy "Timmy, what does the Bishop give for a blow job??"

Timmy thought for a second and replied "Usually a can of Coke and a Mars bar!!"

Along similar lines...

Con, the owner of a takeaway, used to take great pleasure in teasing his Chinese neighbour about his inability to pronounce his R's.

Every morning he'd ask "What are you having for lunch today, Yingsong?"

Every time the answer would come back... "Flied Lice!" and Con would piss himself laughing.

Eventually Yingsong got a bit sick of this and practised saying "Fried Rice" until he had it down pat.

The next day Con walked past and Yingsong waited eagerly.

"What you having for lunch today, Yingsong?" came the expected question.

Yingsong screwed up his face in concentration and answered....

"Frrrrrrrried..... Rrrrrrrice, you gleasy Gleek!!!"

Careful what you post Phil:yikes:This could be the start of another 700 odd post thread, and bring out all the animal liberation mob.

PS

 

My Tip. A bit of Maggi Seasoning makes a bit of roo on the barby taste much better !

You blokes talk about hand-painted willy's and gay icons, but dancing girls are poncy??

Love it! Ingenuity at its best.

Sorry, but my stripes trump your patches and sunnies![ATTACH=full]27084[/ATTACH]

It'd be a long 7 months on either of them.

Yep, great video! Good mix of live footage and CGI. Loved it.

Oh my goodness gracious me Bex, you are a funny burgher! I laughed until my eyes swami.

Did the dot turn green?

I must be one of the "nearly", Phil. Wasn't offended in the slightest!

It is the kind of subtle revenge that would tickle their sense of humour.

Nice one Marty .. . . .I was in County Wexford recently and I have to say that the Guiness was excellent, a totally different taste to the brew they sell under the same name in the UK. . . which is why I don't bother with it much and stick to my red plonk . . . . interspersed with the odd glass or two of Cava. . ..( ! )

The Irish will tell you there's 4 standards of Guinness produced - the best stays in Dublin, the second best is for the rest of Ireland, third best is for general export and the worst is for the Brits... don't know if there's any truth in that!

Marty. . . . .I am disappointed that you didn't try "Lancaster Bomber" . . . .or "Bombers Ale". . . . . Or Marston's "Bombardier". but I guess you only had a short time in this country. . . . . . ( Sigh . . .)

Although they apparently do Guinness very well (I'm not a stout drinker- hang on, let me rephrase that - I'm not a drinker of stout)... they don't do many lagers. However I found a bottle shop that sold Boags Premium for 50 euro a carton, so was happy.

Depends how itchy his... no, I can't say that.

Ah, I understand. Very sensible.

I loved the names of some of your ales when we were over... "Spitfire" and "Bishop's Finger" were a couple I remember.

10 beers Phil?? Have they decimalised beer over there?

There's 24 beers in a carton and 24 hours in a day... coincidence?

That was almost too subtle for me.

It's ok folks. I've found the solution.

Little Timmy's mother got into the habit of entertaining a man in her bedroom when her husband was out. Getting home early from school one day, Timmy heard strange noises from her room, saw what was going on, and hid in the wardrobe to watch and increase his knowledge of biology.

After a little while there's the sound of Timmy's father's car pulling into the drive, home from work early. Panicking, his mother tells the man to hide in the wardrobe.

Timmy sees the opportunity to make some money and quietly remarks "Gee, it's dark in here!"

The man jumps and hisses "Please kid... just keep quiet!"

Timmy whispers back "Would you like to buy my cricket ball? Only $50! And as a bonus I won't tell Dad you're here."

The man, seeing he has no choice, agrees to buy the ball and gives Timmy the money before sneaking away.

A couple of weeks go by and then one day, Timmy skips his afternoon classes and comes home early. Again, he hears his mother and the man in her room. Inspiration strikes and he calls his dad at work, asking him to come home early to help with his homework. His father is impressed that Timmy is actually studying, so agrees. Timmy then sneaks into the room and into the wardrobe again.

Soon there's the sound of his father's car in the drive, consternation on the bed and Timmy's mother pushes her beau into the wardrobe again.

Timmy murmers "Gee, it's dark in here!"

The man knows what's coming and says "How much?"

Timmy whispers "I'd like to sell you my cricket bat. Only $100!"

Grinding his teeth, the man agrees.

The next day Timmy is staring at his newfound wealth and planning what to spend it on, when his mother spies it.

"How did you get $150??" she demanded.

"Sold my cricket gear!" explained Timmy.

"For $150?? Impossible. You're lying!" accuses his mother. "I want you to go straight to church and confess!"

Timmy can't convince her of his innocence, so is driven to church and sent inside.

Entering the confessional, he blinks and says "Gee, it's dark in here!"

From the other side of the screen a voice says "Don't start that sh*t again!!"

1st Hooker :- "What did you ask Santa Clause for?"

2nd Hooker :- " $150, the same as everybody else!"

I think it is all BS to say you don't have choice about your weight in some circumstances. It's genetic etc. How many fatties were there working on the Burma Railway. They all had a choice. Work & get a piitance to eat or not & get shot. Not good odds but there still was a choice.

Oh, is it time to start slagging the fatties? Have we finished with asylum seekers?

Like the Herman cartoon - the doctors says "...well for your weight you should be about 8 feet tall"

Cheers for that Gnu. Let he who is without fat cast the first stone!

Poor bugger! Do airline booking systems have access to our vital statistics? I am skinny and have twice been booked next to huge blokes. Luckily they were clean and polite.Samoan Air are the first to have the guts to charge fares according to weight. More should, as most overweight people have some choice in their body shape.

 

I don't. Nobody caters for my height. I am accustomed to having no leg room and enduring seats which aggravate my back problems. End of winge.

Don't know about that. I'm not obese but I am 100kg, despite which I manage to keep my elbows within the seat arms. Should I pay more than the jockey sitting in the next seat who also has the use of a whole seat, even if he doesn't use it?

I thought sky divers had to land into wind.

http://www.heraldscotland.com/sport/spl/aberdeen/prince-clips-his-wings-after-the-islay-crash-1.670513