The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

.... Sand Urchins & Urchinettes.

 

These are kiddies that have been cast out of wealthy Rockingham villas and are almost all the illegitimate offspring of .....

[turboplanner]

...........Brazilian Fire Ants at the stop of a sand hill. Running up the other side ha saw a Platoon of naked SAS soldiers, each carring another nakes SAS soldier on his back. They sat down at the top of the hill................................

[Captain]

9 hours ago, onetrack said:

Men who could spot a bulge in clothing

As recorded in WA Police records (where they only keep the stuff that suits them), Onesie has often been recorded as being the bulge-er (both muffin-top and the other) and not the bulge-ee.

[onetrack]

.........dug out their ration pack cans they'd previously buried in the sand, tore the tops off the cans with their teeth, and enjoyed a hot lunch in the middle of nowhere. As soon as they finished lunch, they turned their attention to the next pressing problem, which was............

[Captain]

5 hours ago, turboplanner said:

...... Brazilian Fire Ants at the stop of a sand hill. Running up the other side ha saw a Platoon of naked SAS soldiers, each carring another nakes SAS soldier on his back. They sat down at the top of the hill .....

..... and wondered why they could here a couple of hundred phones clicking and taking photos.

 

And let me assure you, dear readers, that a platoon of naked SASers with fire ants biting their sand covered dangly bits are a sight to behold (and photograph) and you could immediately comprehend why the Taliban always decided to give them a miss whenever they could. (Many experienced SASers also carried 10 or so fire ants in antique silver snuff boxes as an interrogation aid) and that was declared by the shiny arse'd Generals back home, who never actually did any dangerous stuff, but still got a chest full of medals for being brave in the office when subjected to paper cuts, as .....

[Captain]

1 hour ago, onetrack said:

.........dug out their ration pack cans they'd previously buried in the sand, tore the tops off the cans with their teeth, and enjoyed a hot lunch in the middle of nowhere. As soon as they finished lunch, they turned their attention to the next pressing problem, which was............

Note from Cappy, the Xxxe-man from the East, to his friend and compatriot OneRoot, a Xxxb Xxxt from the West.

 

I apologize, dear Friend, for my above post overlapping with yours, and if you feel aggrieved, I can send you a small jar of Frankincense to use as an aftershave or to rub on any of your bits that are chafed. It is particularly good for sand abrasions in your budgie smugglers or to treat fire ant bites ...................... or to present to special little kids in stables. 

Edited March 14 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.....to stop the fireants biting. For that they went back to basic training by bitingf their heads off or throwing them over cliffs.

 

Soon there were no fire ants but strolling over the hill came a huge man chewing on a prawn, It was Bull, an animal lover from Bone who is the one who reomed all the Coastal dingoes to Fraser Island (now called Kow-dun-ge.etj) His gaze fell upon the pitiful bodies of the little fire ants. He grabbed four of the SAS dudes in each hand and threw   them over over Primary Dune or as WAs would say the big one. 

 

Bull noticed the water bottles all stacked in a circle, standing up their tops facing oinward and ..................

 

[Captain]

..... this freaked him out, via a vivid flashback of turmoil & bloodshed, not to Nam,  nor Korea, nor even to the Zulu Wars, but instead to the deadly Mango skirmishes around Bone, where bull's role had been to ......

[turboplanner]

............sneak up to the cars of the illicit Mango pickers, and release a coupe of cane toads into the car. When the pickers came back they realised they could never use the car again because of the stink, so with the revers logic of all thieves they took offence, pulled out shotguns and wet looking for the person wh'd cane-toaded their car and ..........

[Captain]

6 hours ago, turboplanner said:

............sneak up to the cars of the illicit Mango pickers, and release a couple of cane toads into the car. When the pickers came back they realized they could never use the car again because of the stink, so with the revers logic of all thieves they took offence, pulled out shotguns and went looking for the person who'd cane-toaded their car and ..........

.... bull, a combat veteran (he had had a lot of bad blues with one of his early girlfriends that had slashed the tyres on his Monaro), didn't run but instead went towards them like a very agro Eastern Brown, and pulled out several cartoons the subjects of which were cane toads + he had a spray can of Cane-Toad-Pong (CTP, made by Turbine Assorted Fruity Pongs P/L) which he used like a Minnesota ICE agent uses pepper spray.

 

The Mango Thieves wanted to fight, in true Qld tropical tradition, but in this case they recognised that bull was the real deal and he could ......

 

[onetrack]

........call on 50,000 cane toads from his cane toad farm, for backup, anytime. The Mango Thieves took to their heels, and scattered into the mountains around Bone. Bull's cackling laughter echoed around those hills as they fled, as he thought about what to do next.

 

He thought about an aerial drop (long-overdue avref) of cane toads from his Jackaroo, onto the heads of the fleeing Mango thieves, but decided against it, as it could be too hard to find them in that jungle terrain.

 

Instead, Bull decided it was time to start........................

[turboplanner]

........his Cassowary patrols. Bull was a very resoucefull fellow and you had to be in Bone. Grow a beautiful palm frond in Bone, and it would be gone the next morning. Find a big prawn ball and 18 other Prawn Trawlers. He first came to TurboWeCanDoAnythingJustIdeas (at that time Just Jeans had been launched). Turbo was building him a Prawn Trawler Sinker when that little fart OT sold him a surprus D3 Tree Pusher and the rest is history.

He'd train the twenty  Cassowaries to roam the streets of Bone sniffing for any hint of Bull's property; everything on the place, the car, the 4x4, the trees shrubs and flowers was marked with Bull's trademar prawn juice. They'd been trained to bash the front door down and belt the crap out of the inmates. Anyone who had been belted in the hoojars by a Cassowary knows the price they pay. Bull would go out in the morning, see where the ambulances were and take his property back while everyone was crying over Dad or Mum - Cassowaries weren't particular.

 

One morning .........

[Captain]

On 14/03/2026 at 7:40 PM, turboplanner said:

One morning ......

..... in response to panicked calls from the Bone Neighborhood Watch, TCF sent an expeditionary force from their sh1thole in the wilds of Vicmanistan, knowing that those gigantic striped, green beret moggies will never come back (not due to fatalities .............. as after all, why would anybody or any animal go back to Mextoria after escaping to Qld?).

 

The Moggies in this taskforce had been specially trained in fighting against big blue headed birds that have sharp slashing cat-killer spurs, as Turbo had fitted stainless spurs & little blue hoods, to emus as part of the training regime ......... then needed to get rid of 15 tonne's of assorted Emu bits that the moggies had dismembered in training.

 

When the Moggie taskforce arrived in Bone they said "Geez it's humid (like everyone does), ....... and then they got down to business and ......

 

A promo photo of the Turbine Cat Farm's top trainee.

 

Same pussy with cane-farm cammo, and in action in the main street of Bone.

Edited March 16 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.........silently marched down the rainforest street frontleft, backright, frontright, backleft, listening to the whip birds. Suddenly there was a THUD! THUD! THUD! as a Cassowary belted the crap out of old grandpa Schultz at No 5.  Ernie, a Bone identity came round the corner in his Land Cruiser. The SCATS as they were known flew up trees, down sewers, under hedges, and perched in Fan Palms (licuala ramsay).

 

The cassowary, who knew Ernie had been palm snitching because the tail of the cruiser was dragging on the ground raced down the street. Bad move, accompanied by hisses and growls twelve clawed furballs dropped on him. Within two minutes he was plucked.

 

The SCATS gave each other high fives or high fours depending whether the next cat was in front or behind, and they  continued down the street frontleft, backright, frontright, backleft, spitting at the whip birds.

 

As they marched around the corner into Alligator Street, slightly wheezing after the climb ...................

 

 

 

[Captain]

..... 3 from the platoon were designated as lookouts stationed on the outer perimeter, while the others sat down for a spell, put one leg in the air, and licked themselves ... then changed over so that every cat had a lick (but only of their own, of course).

 

Have seen that, the Cassowaries gave it a try and with spurs as dangerous as they are, they killed 30% of their own group, but those that survived enjoyed it a lot.

 

The Cats saw what happened, and .......

 

 

[turboplanner]

.......from then on just went street by street laying down one leg in the air and making loud noises.

Street by Street the Cassowaries killed themselves in droves; all except an old one, once a pet of bull's, known as "The Bastard". He ...............

[Captain]

27 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.......from then on just went street by street laying down one leg in the air and making loud noises.

Street by Street the Cassowaries killed themselves in droves; all except an old one, once a pet of bull's, known as "The Bastard". He ...............

.... had seen what bull got up to in the privacy of his own home, and so "The Bastard" followed bull's licking technique (which concerned many of the CWA ladies [who used to be known as CWA Chicks]) and that resulted in .....

 

"The Bastard", in the early stages of sitting down and about to lift its leg into the "cat position" or alternatively to assume the "bull position".

Edited March 17 by Captain

[Captain]

On 14/03/2026 at 7:40 PM, turboplanner said:

..... when that little fart OT .....

Crappy apologizes to OT and his family for the overstatement contained in the above. Tubb can be a little harsh at times.

[onetrack]

Note to Cappy - OT has a hide like a rhinoceros, but is more affable than one, so no worries there. It is good to see that Cappy has been watching lots of cat videos, these are obviously very soothing to his frazzled nerves, after associating with Turbo for extended periods.

[Captain]

4 minutes ago, onetrack said:

Note to Cappy - OT has a hide like a rhinoceros, but is more affable than one, so no worries there. It is good to see that Cappy has been watching lots of cat videos, these are obviously very soothing to his frazzled nerves, after associating with Turbo for extended periods.

Cappy is relieved that OT is so prescient as to be aware of the above, and he notes that OT's hide is thick, yet his insightful mind & sparkling personality are not.

[turboplanner]

.......the formal Notice going up in the Bone RSL Dining Room:

 

"DO NOTT FEED THE CASAWERY

IT'S BEHAVIOUR MAY OFFEND

 

By Order

The Manager"

 

This led to a night of jokes  that ......................

 

Not many people know that Cappy and OT are fully qualified Psychologists; it's great to see their work on NES.

[Captain]

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

.......the formal Notice going up in the Bone RSL Dining Room:

"DO NOTT FEED THE CASAWERY

IT'S BEHAVIOUR MAY OFFEND

By Order

The Manager"

This led to a night of jokes  that .......

..... the Manager of the Rissole's dining room was a clueless Mextorian Dick, why would Clarry Nott from Nth Bowen Heights want to feed the birds in the 1st place, why the Club Manager was CASA-centric and is he a spy for the aviation control body in Can'tberra, ......... and WTF is a Casawery?"

 

Then the proper Cassowary jokes were trotted out, ..... including several hilarious puns about the spelling of their .......

 

 

Edited March 17 by Captain

[turboplanner]

........species which actually came from an AUF pioneer, Herbert Von Hinkler.

Herbert built a Recreational Aircraft on Mon Repos Beach. He didn't complain about the sandflies, he didn't complain about the Stingers, he didn't complain about all the turtles digging holes under his jigs and he didn't make endless posts about whether it was best to glue the wings on or bolt them on, or what was the best brand of dope, or how do you get dope off your wings, or is it OK just to have one main leg because they were expensive.  No, Herbert wasn't a grizzler, he got on and did it. The Bastard had migrated from Bone to Mon Repos - usually a day in Bone is enough, and it would strut along the beach then sit and watch Herbert building his aircraft.

It was herbert who realised these beautiful blue birds didn't have a species name so he wrote to the Queensland Museum suggesting Velcro, after the velcro on his aircraft's harness and Raptor after the name of his airctraft. The Queensland Museum got the name slightly wrong but The Bastard had a species like you and me.

Eventually came the day when Herbert was ready to fly the Raptor. He'd made a second seat for The Bastard, and early in the morning they both climbed on board and ....................

[Captain]

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

It was herbert who realised these beautiful blue birds didn't have a species name so he wrote to the Queensland Museum suggesting Velcro, after the velcro on his aircraft's harness and Raptor after the name of his airctraft. The Queensland Museum got the name slightly wrong but The Bastard had a species like you and me.

Eventually came the day when Herbert was ready to fly the Raptor. He'd made a second seat for The Bastard, and early in the morning they both climbed on board and .......

.... with his pedal-to-the-metal (Corvetteref), but the correct phraseology was actually with his throttle-lever-to-the fabric, Herb and the Velcraptor (the middle 4 letters is what observers did when they noticed it, with its blue head covered in a pair of Herb's old army surplus goggles, glass lenses and all).

 

"Hey look, 2 blue heads" said Mavis who knew her 2 strokes (that's all it took with Herb too) & was rostered on by the CWA next to the Tea Urn on their "Beg for Donations Table" at the Bone International & tippy top secret A10 Military (confidentialref) Airport, just as Herb did a beat up with the Rotax 30% over-revving & a harmonic vibration 1/2 developed in the vertical stabilizer, both of which leading to the Velcraptor showing a bit of concern ..... as he/she was sitting where the pistons would go if it all turned to custard due to either a cold or hot seizure (you can and could never be sure which it would be).

 

Herb tried to calm the Velcraptor, as he knew what damage they could do if they panicked, so Herb trotted out his best calming line to shout above the noise of the wind and the piston slap, which was ......

Edited March 18 by Captain

[turboplanner]

"........always look to the front!"

No one there at the Bone International Airport that day can really pinpoint what happened first that day, but Herb left the Raptor in an arc at 700 feet clutching his 'se; the Raptor went nose up but the cunning bluehead quietly put out a claw and it levelled off on final. The other bluehead hurled its pistons left and right and the Raptor glid [Raghead ref] down to a perfect landing. The adoring crowd clapped, the Velcraptor bowed and then walked over and gave Chalie a good belt in the ........