The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

4 hours ago, turboplanner said:

It was a match made in heaven because OT sold the Bitprawns to the Miners, so it didn't matter if they opted to take the product because ........

.... when you are on a Fly (avref) in Fly (avref) Out (FIFO) contracts and fresh Geraldton crayfish is on the menu every day, you .....

[turboplanner]

.........have a certain flavour oozing from your pores which was never sold by Mrs Chanel in Paris ...................

 

[Captain]

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

... have a certain flavour oozing from your pores which was never sold by Mrs Chanel in Paris ......

.... because, over there they specialise in snails, Mirages (avref), astacus leptodactylus, cuisses de grenouille, Airbuses (avref), surrender, and ....

Edited Monday at 06:23 PM by Captain

[onetrack]

.......an outstanding dislike for the British. Now this French trait became a major problem for Turbo the day he landed in gay Paree (that's gay as in "happy", dear NES readers, just to clear up any misconceptions).

 

The instant Turbo started practising his French, he was automatically identified as British, due to his accent that came from his finishing school training. Not many know that Turbo is a graduate of Eton, and as such, can claim to be on first name terms with many world leaders and people of distinction.

 

It is unfortunate that Turbo ended up selling himself short on his Eton education, by going into trucking and car racing, where he developed the thousand yard stare. It's well known, that if you spend a vast amount of time on the edge, you develop this detachment known as the thousand yard stare.

 

As Turbo tore around raceways, skirting with death and destruction every second, he developed the stare, and the detachment that comes from men who have been pushed to the edge of their limits. Trucking gave him white-line fever (also called "highway hypnosis"), which led to Turbo having huge gaps in his memory after travelling Melbourne to Perth in those dreadful International trucks.

Fighting to stay alive on the dreadful highways of Australia (Victorian ones in particular), left Turbo with increased levels of the aforesaid afflictions.

 

Then Turbo took up flying, and this only exacerbated his afflictions, as he left many a flying instructor white-knuckled, as he took aircraft to their limits. just as he did with race cars and trucks.

So when the French started to treat him like a British idiot, Turbo's afflictions came to the forefront again. He addressed anyone French with a monotone and a stare that was unnerving, to say the least. Then came the day he...........

[Captain]

1 hour ago, onetrack said:

where he developed the thousand yard stare. It's well known, that if you spend a vast amount of time on the edge, you develop this detachment known as the thousand yard stare.

It is Turbo and Turbine Optometry that have promoted the BS of the "Thousand Yard Stare" as a real consequence of battling various natives in out-of-the-way places (perhaps such as Daraweit Guim) and driving longish distances in a truck while hoping that the chassis doesn't crack (again).

In truth Turbo stares because he can be a little bit vague at times and his Bipolar affliction might be about to transition him into his Savant state (think Dusty Hoffperson in "Rainman").

Edited Tuesday at 02:21 AM by Captain

[Captain]

1 hour ago, onetrack said:

So when the French started to treat him like a British idiot, Turbo's afflictions came to the forefront again. He addressed anyone French with a monotone and a stare that was unnerving, to say the least. Then came the day he.......

.... had to drive his Bedford car transporter from Manchester to Avignon where a 100 lap Super-Modified race was to be held in the courtyard of the Palais des Papas, and where the winner would be made a Cardinal with a ticket thru the Pearly Gates.

 

Turbo thought that was a .......

 

Turbo's Super-Modified on its wheels and undinged .......... for once.

Here at the practice track at the back tradesman's entrance to the Pope's Palace. As you can see, Turbo was a bit of a porker (Muslimaversionref) in those days.

Edited Tuesday at 02:20 AM by Captain

[turboplanner]

.....an easy run compared to towing a car up to the Gipa Gupa  Mission for the Deadly 100 where the only rule was to finish and they weren't particular whether you finished the race, The Stewards were all Aunties so no one jumped the start or put a tyre onto the infield.

 

He thought the French would be easy after that and when he came up out of the tunnel that seemed true, when crowds started to line the streets yelling Turbois! , Turbois,  greatement alors merci!!!!!

 

Then it happened; a Gendarme with a black uniform and a silly round hat waved him to a stop. "Your Bedforde making de smorke!" he said ominously pulling out his book. Turbo, in the nicest way said "That's what Bedfords do" and the Gendarme puffed himself up like a French Foreign Legionaire with Legionaire's disease and..........

 

Interesting comments back there about Turbo's thousand yard stare; this may be why he hits the Turn 1 fence every race, And Eaton, which reminded Turbo of a real life incident when he went to the school sports day recently. A well dressed old genlteman was standing in the hot dog queue with Turbo, who turned and greeted him. 

 

There was no "hello" response, just "Ay went too EEEEaton!" Turbo used the thousand yard stare and sad "You POOR man!"....... and left him wondering, but carefully watching Turbo for the rest of the day.

Edited Tuesday at 08:32 AM by turboplanner

[Captain]

10 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.....an easy run compared to towing a car up to the Gipa Gupa  Mission for the Deadly 100 where the only rule was to finish and they weren't particular whether you finished the race, The Stewards were all Aunties so no one jumped the start or put a tyre onto the infield.

 

He thought the French would be easy after that and when he came up out of the tunnel that seemed true, when crowds started to line the streets yelling Turbois! , Turbois,  greatement alors merci!!!!!

 

Then it happened; a Gendarme with a black uniform and a silly round hat waved him to a stop. "Your Bedforde making de smorke!" he said ominously pulling out his book. Turbo, in the nicest way said "That's what Bedfords do" and the Gendarme puffed himself up like a French Foreign Legionaire with Legionaire's disease and..........

..... with the deft touch of the FFL (and their distinctive hats), the Gendarme speared him in the thigh using what Tubb recognized was a Gipa Gupa barbed spear, which used the type of barb that got Steve.

 

"What did you do that for?" asked Tubb with his usual calm grace of giving everyone the benefit of the doubt.

 

"Auntie Joan at Gipa Gupa is an Auntie of mon, and she sent me a Kadaitcha telepathic message ........ but backed it up via Facebook Messenger, WhatsApp and Tiktok, to deliver justice for her, as she has evidence that you jumped the start during that race up there.

 

Turbo, ever the brave soldier, took out his Leatherman and pulled out the barb without even saying "F.....

 

The very Kepi blanc that the Gendarme wore while spearing Tubb, now housed in the Speedway Hall of Fame, with the barb from the stingray.

Edited Tuesday at 07:12 PM by Captain

[Captain]

Below is the stingray barb that the Gendarme plunged into Tubb's thigh, here cleaned up to remove the bits of our mate that remained attached to the barbs.

This is the real version as housed in the Eaton Alumni Old Boys Club, and the one in the Speedway Hall of Fame is an exact copy.

For those concerned NESers that have contacted me, the name of "Tubb" was given as a mark of respect by the enlisted men up the Khyber. It was a bit like calling a red headed person "Bluey", as Turbs was always the model of regimental fitness and remain so, even now, as the ladies of Moorabbin know to their cost.

Edited Tuesday at 08:21 PM by Captain

[turboplanner]

....orgive me father, for what I am about to do, gave the Gendarme a thousand yard stare, trod on his spear, bent the boomerang straight, gave him a number one haircat and a bag of jellie beans and told him to tell Aunty Joan she was as fat as a packet of jelly beans.

"Don't I have to tell her more or explain what the jelly beans mean" said the Gendarme.

"She'll Understand" replied Turbo with a 200 yard stare. ("That's about what he'll need as a start when Auntie fores up" he thought) and sure enough........

[Captain]

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

....orgive me father, for what I am about to do, gave the Gendarme a thousand yard stare, trod on his spear, bent the boomerang straight, gave him a number one haircat and a bag of jellie beans and told him to tell Aunty Joan she was as fat as a packet of jelly beans.

"Don't I have to tell her more or explain what the jelly beans mean" said the Gendarme.

"She'll Understand" replied Turbo with a 200 yard stare. ("That's about what he'll need as a start when Auntie fores up" he thought) and sure enough........

..... Aunty sent him an invite setting a schedule to call him up on an MS Teams conference call where all of the other Aunties would each be included, and they could then all stare at Turbo, each with a 435-yard stare, and point heaps of bones at him.

 

Turbo was more worried about that Teams call than his meeting that morning with the machete carrying Samali warlord from Tullamarine, who needed Turbo's advice on remaking that community's image, and for Turbo to use his considerable influence to get the Samali community an entry into the 2026 SuperCars competition, where Al-Shabaab would be their main sponsor, and where one of their getaway drivers would be given a run.

 

So, Turbo set his Teams meeting background image to be a working-class ally in Moorabbin, and ......

Edited Wednesday at 08:14 AM by Captain

[turboplanner]

....waited for the Aunties. A fight broke out between three of them, and was about to spread when Turbo broke in, gave them all a thousand yard stare, and with a dose of whiteline fever, calmed them all down, made them tremble and pay close attention to every word he said. 

                                         

This wasn't hard because he only said one word and then nodded off to sleep, one of the problems of the modern-era Zoom meetings which did everything but zoom.

 

"What you lookin at bro!" yelled Auntie Sylvia-Jo.

 

Turbo heard that well-known voice through the fog of slumber, and before he could stop himself he said "Just wondering how much effort it must be to carry those huge bum cheeks around all day"

 

Sylvia-Jo, born in Cummamulla could swear..................

[Captain]

17 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

Sylvia-Jo, born in Cummamulla could swear...........

.... like the Captain of a Prawn Trawler [or ... the captain of a prawn trawler], but the Zoom (avref) mafia cut across the call and said that Syvia-Jo needs to calm down and put those cheeks away, then the controller turned his/her attention to Turdy and exhibited a cynicism rarely seen before on .....

Edited Wednesday at 05:30 PM by Captain

[turboplanner]

Zoom, where people wear makeup and have their hair done and buy $10,000.00 just to look the part. This controller was up with the best of them with his hair shorn on one side, apart from three little squares of hair perhaps to signify he was the Sergeant of the Zoom meeting. He ..........

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Zoom, where people wear makeup and have their hair done and buy $10,000.00 just to look the part. This controller was up with the best of them with his hair shorn on one side, apart from three little squares of hair perhaps to signify he was the Sergeant of the Zoom meeting. He ..........

.... used to be Sergent-at-Arms in the Hells Angels, and his approach in this meeting was to put on his leather vest which was patched by Zoom and by Teams with a "500 yard stare" badge where his "1 %ters" badge was.

 

Turbo laughed at the screen and .....

[turboplanner]

.....That's the limit of clear sight for Drifter drivers and the screen flashed and there was a thump as the Sarge's chair flew over; the Aunties started bashing each other and ....................

[Captain]

35 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.....That's the limit of clear sight for Drifter drivers and the screen flashed and there was a thump as the Sarge's chair flew over; the Aunties started bashing each other and ...

.... the meeting deteriorated into a normal one for the Gipa Gapa Bone Pointing Corporation, not appreciating that Abdullahi, the Somali Warlord, had commissioned his hackers (electronic in this case, and not machete) to crash (avref) the meeting to learn of the ways of the ......

Edited Thursday at 02:40 AM by Captain

[turboplanner]

....Native Australian, since they were in the process of taking over the Country.

He'd heard each one was worth over ten million dollars, and the plan was to sail to Australia, take over and part each one from his cash.

 

Morton got to hear about it listening to the WA news between his Story Telliong on radio.

 

If you've ever heard Morton, he's ...............

[Captain]

11 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.... Native Australian, since they were in the process of taking over the Country.

He'd heard each one was worth over ten million dollars, and the plan was to sail to Australia, take over and part each one from his cash.

Morton got to hear about it listening to the WA news between his Story Telliong on radio.

If you've ever heard Morton, he's ...............

.... to the right of Goering, has Malcy Turnbull traits, and flies (avref) a homemade square-tube Gyro powered by a blue-head that he found at the tip.

 

But Morton was astute when it comes to circumcision, so he pointed out to Abdullahi that the rules up north are that the Gipa Gapa will whip the end off with an oyster shell, plus carve the lines of a noughts & crosses game into his chest using that same bit of shell.

 

As a result of learning of the above, Abdullahi called OT, who is somewhat expert on such things, and after saying "Blessings OT, how are they hanging?" he added "And what do you know about this .....

 

The below lines were for playing Snakes and Ladders, but you know what I meant.

The kiss-curl was to look cute and get chicks.

Edited Thursday at 07:37 PM by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......practice Morton talks about?

OT being a WA "Townie" meaning anyone who isn't a Ringer in WA, didn't know, but there was going to be a dollar in this, so OT made up a horrific story that every male in WA had to go through this procedure, but he'd organise an anaesthetic for Abdullahi, and three maidens at the end of it. He didn't point out the obvious and Abfullahi didn't pick it up, and said he was coming out in two days time for the operation. This was a problem for OT so he googled how to ....................

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

He didn't point out the obvious and Abfullahi didn't pick it up, and said he was coming out in two days time for the operation. This was a problem for OT so he googled how to .....

..... nip and tuck a Somali Warlord without having a machete or a shaped charge IED shoved up his .....

[turboplanner]

..........Classic Cats vault.

As we know it's early days for AI, and sometimes things can go horribly wrong.

So it was that OT sent a Message to Abfullahi saying: "......................

 

[Captain]

4 hours ago, turboplanner said:

... Classic Cats vault.

As we know it's early days for AI, and sometimes things can go horribly wrong.

So it was that OT sent a Message to Abfullahi saying: "....

.... "Hey, I .....

 

[turboplanner]

4 hours ago, Captain said:

.... "Hey, I .....

 

....."need......."

[Captain]

42 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

....."need......."

.... another smooth ....