The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

......money to pay for their racing equipment. It didn't cost much in those days because they drove the cars and rode the bikes to the tracks, and fuel was a penny a gallon.

 

Giacomo was picked up by a French Team and made Chateau d'Lyon his home.

 

Not many people know Giacomo Turbine was the person who invented the first recreational aircraft in the world.

 

When cars or bikes crashed he would take bike engines and aluminium panels back to the Chateau on his pillion.

 

It was there he concieved and built Le Pou du Ciel - The Flying Flea. His sponsor Citroen mass produced them and soon they were crashing all over France and the incontinent............

[Captain]

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

It was there he concieved and built Le Pou du Ciel - The Flying Flea. His sponsor Citroen mass produced them and soon they were crashing all over France and the incontinent........

..... "Ah the old Pou du Ciel" said Planey Turbine with fond memories and a glint in his eye "They were a fine machine ....... until they hit terra firma, and that is when they reminded everyone of a battered Citroen C2V after a head-on with a donkey."

 

But Le Pou du Ciel became admired and respected for another reason, which related to .....

 

Is zat a C2V or a Poo Du Ciel post impact? .......... Nobody knows, but if it is a C2V, ze donkey must be in zer somewhere.

Edited Thursday at 08:28 PM by Captain

[turboplanner]

its ability to absorb energy.

Not many people know that the C2V was the father of the Five Star system adopted by Monash University in Australia because they didn't know what to call it.

"Basically if your car crumples like a C2V it must be safe," the head of Engineering, Priscilla Cevlecia said to the assorted media, but when Wheels Magazine's ...........

[Captain]

42 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

"Basically if your car crumples like a C2V it must be safe," the head of Engineering, Priscilla Cevlecia said to the assorted media, but when Wheels Magazine's ...........

..... Max Stall led their testing for the 1950 Car of the Year, they went soft in their reporting and said "Geez Louise, this POS doesn't go, it doesn't stop, the seats are unsittable, the legroom is unleggable, and the ...... 

Edited Friday at 08:23 PM by Captain

[onetrack]

........engine sounds like a Victa lawnmower running on methanol! This nasty Wheels criticism of French cars almost led to a major political rumpus, with the French winemakers declaring they would refuse to sell French wines to Australia, as it was obviously run by French-hating British descendants.

 

Rene Claude de Maupassant, the designer of the 2CV, became enraged at the Wheels review of the 2CV, declaring the poor brakes were necessary, as the 2CV was designed to GO! - not STOP!

And the seats were designed to resemble tractor seats, because the main aim of the 2CV was that French farmers could plough their fields with it, in between winning major races.

 

Rene pointed out that 2 cylinders was all anyone needed to go anywhere, and to also win races - sneering, in the finest French style, at the Americans propensity for 8 cyl engines, and as for crash-worthiness? - why would anyone want to crash, unless it was to "crash through" and .................

[Captain]

1 hour ago, onetrack said:

unless it was to "crash through" and ..........

..... get back to Paris during another retreat.

 

As a result of the Frog winemakers refusing to sell their plonk in OZ, Wheels was awarded the Order of Australia and the more prestigious Skippy Winemaker's Freedom of the City at the towns of Cessnock, Nuriootpa, Rutherglen and Margaret River, so the Wheels journos (who are really just revheads with a pen) were sloshed for months, until ....... 

Edited Saturday at 01:02 AM by Captain

[turboplanner]

.........readers and posters on the exclusive, invitation only Online "Wheel.com" started to complain that the stories were beginning to sound like.................

 

 

[Captain]

4 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.........readers and posters on the exclusive, invitation only Online "Wheel.com" started to complain that the stories were beginning to sound like.................

 

 

..... bull while holding up the bar at the Bone Rissole each Saturday night/Sunday morning (but to be fair to bull, he has always clearly asserted that he was always well enough to drag himself out of his sleeping position in the Rissole's War Memorial Rose Garden every Sunday morning and head to Mass on the hope of receiving a little "hair-of-the-dog" (but at least bull never fought the Priest for the chalice of communion wine like Turbo did with the regimental Chaplain when we were up the Khyber and Turdy was going through one of his DT sessions).

 

The complaints from Wheels (plural, eh Tubb?) readers did, in fact, encourage sobriety and the Mag went on to spawn the "Big Wheels" trucking magazine (see issues 23 and 174 for articles featuring the Turgid Plonker and his chassis cracks), to be flogged off several times to new owners, and to become the ......

 

bull in the Memorial Rose Garden at the Bone Rissole, while waiting for the Cathedral to open each Sunday morning. (A plaque has since been ram-setted to the wall there, same like they did at his spot at the bar).

Edited Saturday at 08:38 PM by Captain

[turboplanner]

.....online shadow of the former giant  which features snapshots and .......

 

"Wheels (plural, eh Tubb?)'' 

Not many people know that this behaviour finally reached Old Mr Murray, the publisher who came storming down the stairs and said "The copy boy can write better than you lot; fired them, appointed the copy boy, Tuckey, Editor in Chief, and declared "This magazine is going to be called "Wheel" until you fix it!!"

Bill Tuckey was in with the Formula 1 crowd and when he came to Melbourne would drag Turbo along to meet the drivers. Bill was known for being able to write a 12 page story on the back of a Marlbro Pack while he walked, and this day phoned up Turbo and said "We have to write a really good story or even I'll be turfed out; GMH are going to release a new car range next year; can you do some drawings of the new models?" Turbo, sensing the urgency, asked "What do they look like?" and the Great Man said "When I visited Elizabeth I saw a pallet with 10 inch rims. Can you send the drawings up in a coupe of days?" Turbo drew some Chevy models, the story sold record numbers and old Mr Murray changed the name back to Wheels.
 

 

[Captain]

30 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

Wheels (plural, eh Tubb?)'' 

Not many people know that this behaviour finally reached Old Mr Murray, the publisher who came storming down the stairs and said "The copy boy can write better than you lot; fired them, appointed the copy boy, Tuckey, Editor in Chief, and declared "This magazine is going to be called "Wheel" until you fix it!!"

Bill Tuckey was in with the Formula 1 crowd and when he came to Melbourne would drag Turbo along to meet the drivers. Bill was known for being able to write a 12 page story on the back of a Marlbro Pack while he walked, and this day phoned up Turbo and said "We have to write a really good story or even I'll be turfed out; GMH are going to release a new car range next year; can you do some drawings of the new models?" Turbo, sensing the urgency, asked "What do they look like?" and the Great Man said "When I visited Elizabeth I saw a pallet with 10 inch rims. Can you send the drawings up in a coupe of days?" Turbo drew some Chevy models, the story sold record numbers and old Mr Murray changed the name back to Wheels.

And there, dear readers, in one 13-line italics post, is the reason why we admire, revere, respect ..... and sometimes fear ..... our esteemed best mate, as he has been ankle or armpit, or back-teeth deep in all the big issues in OZ over the past millennium.

Edited Saturday at 09:57 PM by Captain

[Captain]

32 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.....online shadow of the former giant, which featured snapshots of ......

..... blurry spy shots of P76's, and now added an extra 103 pages that list all the Chinese knock-off brands that nobody recognizes and which haven't had panels with rust penetrations prior to road testing.

 

The new Wheels immediately required all scribes to be fluent in Changlish so that they could read the Manuals, and all needed to wear asbestos PPE, including fluoro nomex undies, to cater for battery fires while testing.

 

Turbo's vast experience in this arena prompted him to compare the Chinese products with red US V8 transverse rear-spring sports cars, and to chime in here to Crappy's post by stating that "The Chinese vehicles are certainly .......

 

Edited Saturday at 09:59 PM by Captain

[turboplanner]

..........good for a thousand ks, but it pays to take a spanner and keep your eye on the rear viw mirror for suspension joints a.........................................

 

 

 

[Captain]

51 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

..... good for a thousand ks, but it pays to take a spanner and keep your eye on the rear view mirror for suspension joints a .....

..... rriving at the stop sign before you do.

 

It should also be noted that every buyer of these vehicles automatically becomes a spy for the CPC or the CCP or whatever they are actually acronymed as, under their "Dipstick Buyer Mind Control Algorithm" (the DBMCA).

 

So you will then find yourself like a stunned mullet, driving for weeks and involuntarily taking photo of Warships & Military installations all over the country, immediately after which your pics will be automatically downloaded by the car and sent directly to your handler in Shin Zan, not to mention that your Chinese feed at the Bone Rissole, plus the Dimmys at the Woomera Roadhouse, will be sniff tested and rated on the CCP's website with a rating out of up to 5 sickles.

 

Blonde ladies will also be automatically photographed using the car's cotton piercing see-thru camera and each lady will also be rated by your handler, while he leans back in his chair and handles ........

Edited Saturday at 11:05 PM by Captain

[onetrack]

..........the scam FB Marketplace ads, and the invasive spamming and hacking of "unfriendly" websites such as WreckFlyin (now renamed, of course, to throw the Commies off the scent).

 

It was whilst he was scanning the 'net for subversive sites that needed to be brought under the control of the CCP, that Xi Jinping discovered his name was being mentioned many times on this decidedly subversive site - and he was astounded to also find, that several unknown persons (who obviously posed a major power threat to his permanent position as Leader of the CCP), had been trying to ingratiate themselves at length, by casually mentioning non-existent friendships with him.

 

Accordingly, Xi arranged to have a new Chinese sports model EV with the largest battery ever fitted to a Chinese EV, to be delivered to the major subversive individual (one so-named "Turbopranner"), secretly, and with a gift card attached, saying it was a friendship gift from Xi to his best friend.

 

Of course, the car was to be Fire Engine Red, as it was no co-incidence that the National Colour of China was Red, the same as Turbo's choice in hot car colours. What stunned Turbo when the car arrived, was the specs, clearly listed in Chinglish, and which read............

 

(and here, dear NES readers, we have the spy photos of Turbo's little "gift" from his "friend" Xi, after the gift wrapping was removed. The hidden cameras and spyware are cleverly disguised amongst the decals and the spoilers.....)

 

[Captain]

51 minutes ago, onetrack said:

Of course, the car was to be Fire Engine Red, as it was no co-incidence that the National Colour of China was Red, the same as Turbo's choice in hot car colours. What stunned Turbo when the car arrived, was the specs, clearly listed in Chinglish, and which read........

...... "Drive car road on collect side and care to be used if throttle sticks or battery becomes to a hot stage, at which moment stop vehicle in road and use PFAS foam extinguisher for battery control not to light up and boom to go. Prease Note srightry important Matter - Care is to be needed with the application to squirt PFAS Foam as much cancer is possible, and fried testis can result be bad for procreation (If under 40, your nuts much more important be than battery fire to happen quick stix.)"

 

Turbo looked at his gift, which had been driven previously by Gregg Hansford, then at the slightly faded (called "mature red" in the Corvette caper) Vet that was looking a bit sad and rejected, yet still hopeful in that optimistic & cheerful American sort of way, and Turbo did an unexpected thing, which was to .......

Edited yesterday at 02:02 AM by Captain

[turboplanner]

........drive the Chinese car away from the house until it caught fire, then go back and start the Corvette over and over for twenty minutes just to hear that beautiful rumble as it fired up. It just happened that bull turned in the drive, saw the burning Chinese car, heard the vette and ........................

[Captain]

7 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

........drive the Chinese car away from the house until it caught fire, then go back and start the Corvette over and over for twenty minutes just to hear that beautiful rumble as it fired up. It just happened that bull turned in the drive, saw the burning Chinese car, heard the vette and ........................

.... drove his ex-Bathurst 12 Hr Bentley over beside the Vette, to arrange for a dual orgasmic "Rev-Off", where .......

 

bull's Bentley on the way up the driveway at Turbo's Toorak mansion, for the Rev-Off.

White lines up the side of a domestic driveway are a sign of true wealth.

Edited yesterday at 02:37 AM by Captain

[turboplanner]

......Turbo had to tell him to reverse and get between the lines because the Bentley was scraping the aspidistras.

 

There followed a pleasant two hours of revving and growling, roaring and screaming untiul some Nouveau Riche rang the cops who marched in and red stickered the Bentley for a loose rear vision mirror, two sagging door handles and a sagging right rear mudguard. Turbo stood up for his friend bull and threatened to fight the constable whether she had a different cap or not and...................

[Captain]

4 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Turbo stood up for his friend bull and threatened to fight the constable whether she had a different cap or not and........

..... she responded by pulling out a Bentley cap plus one of bull's "make bone great again" red numbers the concept of which he had licensed to Don for his 2024 campaign, except to cap it off, Don rooted it up by using all caps on the cap.

 

bull also has a "make tasmania great again" cap, but with the "again" crossed out, and then removed completely in the rev B version, before having "for once" added in rev C that was selling pretty well.

 

The walloper obviously had eyes for bull (it's his Elizabeth Tayor bone structure that does it every time), but out of the passenger's seat of the Bentley came .....

[Captain]

44 minutes ago, Captain said:

but out of the passenger's seat of the Bentley came .....

Essential Safety Note ..... bull had had a 2nd-hand Chinese imitation Recaro supplied and fitted by Turbine Race Car Structural Modifications Pty Ltd, but was having trouble getting the necessary CAMS approvals for the cut-and-shut to the Pommy aluminium roll cage.

Edited yesterday at 08:48 AM by Captain

[onetrack]

......bull's Blue Heeler, snarling and fully intent on taking a chunk out of any legs visible. The BH made straight for a blue-clad leg, but unfortunately, that leg belonged to................

[Captain]

13 hours ago, onetrack said:

...... bull's Blue Heeler, snarling and fully intent on taking a chunk out of any legs visible. The BH made straight for a blue-clad leg, but unfortunately, that leg belonged to ......

..... Turdbro's butler who was wearing a pair of stubbies.

 

Tubb's butler/man-servant is a Paddy who's legs had never before been exposed to the sun, so they normally exhibit that sickly blueish-white look that only the Micks can exhibit, however this was also the usual freezing cold, misty and depressing sub-zero Melbournistan winter morning, so his legs were a kind of iridescent blue that the blue-healer found appetizing.

 

bull, ever the gentleman, called out "Excuse me Bluey, but please don't bite him, because .......

 

bull was the 1st person to ever call his blue healer Bluey and has subsequently licensed the name and likeness to the ABC. bull has made a fortune as a result.

The cartoonist got the image just right ..... and to aid our overseas readers, the dog on the right is the one that headed for the Paddy's iridescent blue legs.

Edited 19 hours ago by Captain

[bull]

11 hours ago, Captain said:

Excuse me Bluey, but please don't bite him, because .......

Because you might catch something 🤣 nasty,now come away from there and have some..............

[Captain]

6 hours ago, bull said:

Because you might catch something 🤣 nasty, now come away from there and have some ......

..... of King Turbo's leftovers from the round table banquet that was held earlier today, but don't nip Sir Onetrack, as he is a ......