The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

21 hours ago, turboplanner said:

...they all turned to each other and started saying "We didn't realise that" Eventually with sone prodding........

.... ,"sone" being a Mesopotamian word meaning "a few" or "several", and 1st discovered by Turbine Archaeology when they broke the Cuneoform writing code using Turbine AI.

 

'We don't need no stinking AI" said a TA spokesman "As we have access to the great man himself & he broke the code before smoko, + quicker than that gay dude played by Bendabit Cumabatch, at Bletchley Park, before he .....

Edited January 18 by Captain

[turboplanner]

11 minutes ago, Captain said:

.... ,"sone" being a Mesopotamian word meaning "a few" or "several", and 1st discovered by Turbine Archaeology when they broke the Cuneoform writing code using Turbine AI.

 

'We don't need no stinking AI" said a TA spokesman "As we have access to the great man himself & he broke the code before smoko, + quicker than that gay dude played by Bendabit Cumabatch, at Bletchley Park, before he .....

 

...."came out" as a male. Not many people know that Bletchley Park was the beginning of Women's Lib; it took decades to catch on because they all spent their time gossiping instead of breaking codes; Ben was brilliant but in a weak moment showed them the algorithm to beat men, and that wrecked it for everyone. Why.........

 

 

 

NES reader will have noted Cappy's instant recognition when Turbo occasionally drops into his ancestral language; he's like a seagull on a potato chip.

[Captain]

21 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

NES reader will have noted Cappy's instant recognition when Turbo occasionally drops into his ancestral language; he's like a seagull on a potato chip.

it is also little known, Dear Readers, that it was a direct anticedent of Turbo's who was the 1st Hunter-Gatherer to ever grow wheat, hence the origin of Turbine-Tip Top, which in the Mesopotamian lingo means Toasty White Bread.

 

Turbo also got into strife at school for writing on clay with little wedges and for telling rude jokes in Aramaic. 

Edited January 18 by Captain

[Captain]

4 hours ago, Captain said:

Turbo also got into strife at school for writing on clay with little wedges and for telling rude jokes in Aramaic. 

Below, Dear Readers, is one of my most precious possessions, having been given to me by Turbo when we were both about 13.

It contains the nursery-rhyme "Mary Had a Little Goat" in his own cuneiform hand/wedge writing, plus a filthy ditty from an old story from one of Turbo's towelhead ancestors, about a dirty weekend away in Babylon.

As you can see, they really knew how to play up in those days ..... and where the myth about 72 virgins got started.

 

Edited January 19 by Captain

[turboplanner]

NES readers will notice about halfway up from the bottom and just to the right of centre, a recessed circle which Turbo drew freehand when he was 13. It marks the start of a Quatrain "The boy stood on the burning deck, a pocket full of crackers, a spark went down his trouser leg and blew off both his"... and that's the edge of the tablet.

 

..............Ben did that has had people scratching their heads for years, and one day we may ........

[onetrack]

.......discover the algorithm that enables men to understand what a woman is saying, whenever she says, "Whatever!"

 

However good Turbo was on the clay tablets speed-writing - something he would never admit to, is that OT would beat him every time at the clay tablet speed-writing contests.

 

OT would have his tablet fully inscribed, baked in the sun, and presented to the teacher, while Turbo was still pressing circles in his tablet.

 

It was this constant losing to OT that make Turbo chuck a hissy fit, and start smashing his tablets whenever he lost. Then one day, Cappy said to him, "I'm bored. Chuck one of your wasted tablets up in the air, and lets see if I can hit it with my shotty!".

 

Turbo did so, and Cappy (ever the Dead-Eye Dick), blew it apart in one smooth swing and shot from his 12ga under and over. They were both greatly enamoured by the sound of the clay tablet blowing apart, and what fun it was to keep doing it (because Turbo had plenty of stuffed-up clay tablets on hand, most of which confused the heck out of archaeologists).

 

Thus, dear NES readers, was born the sport of clay target shooting. Naturally, Turbine Inc promptly registered the name, "Clay Tablet Shooting", but then Turbo was disappointed when the clubs that sprang up, called it "Clay Target Shooting", thus depriving Turbine Inc of vast royalties, and leading to Turbo becoming annoyed at the people who had stolen his..................

[turboplanner]

.........circle customers.

In the beginning when it was only Cappy shooting he was missing most of the unders, so the tablets had the sporting chance so ingrained in the clay target community, and merchants would pick up the fragments of overs and take them back to their homelands where  proto-archaeologists (sorry for the big word) would piece some of them over time. One day Nebuchadnezzer II came through the clay-station and said to Turbo

 

"What's this about a man from Nicaea being able to fly like a bird.?"

 

Turbo, who was in the process of quietly buying the patent from Icarus Recreational Aviation Inc, despite the fact that old Ic had flown up near the sun and melted the wax on the feathers, changed the subject and looking bored, said, "I sent out a Circular Tablet (Circular for safety messages) but those XXXXXX Philistines must have broken it."

 

Neb II like many, decided Turbo was just kidding for fame, and tramped home, built a Recreational Aircraft with clay, feathers and wax, and that's all we have to say about Neb II.

 

Meanwhile Turbo had quietly walked his camel out of the village in the night and headed for the country of the Araldites. The West Araldites had been making recreational aircraft using a sticky sap from the ASAP tree but it also melted, and there were a lot of fatalities. The East Araldites had seen these flying and quietly photographed one during the night. Arald Aphrodites, the leading builder lost his life when his adhesive melted and Turbo was able to buy the design from the family for three shekels.

 

Turbo as we know from the Cat Farm invention was a deep thinker. "I wonder what would happen if I mixed East Araldite wax with West Araldite wax?" 

 

And that, dear NES readers is the history of Araldite C:turbineglue 57BC still used today in.................

 

 

 

 

 

[Captain]

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Neb II like many, decided Turbo was just kidding for fame, and tramped home, built a Recreational Aircraft with clay, feathers and wax, and that's all we have to say about Neb II.

Which was a bit of a shame for Neb III, because he never had the chance to be conceived.

[Captain]

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

And that, dear NES readers is the history of Araldite C:turbineglue 57BC still used today in..........

.... difficult situations of breakages, until Achmal Selley, from the Sellulite culture, invented a new range of products to stick the Sphinx back together, and one of Dian Fossey's mates came up with Gorilla Grip to stick the end back on Dian's .....

[Captain]

22 hours ago, Captain said:

.... difficult situations of breakages, until Achmal Selley, from the Sellulite culture, invented a new range of products to stick the Sphinx back together, and one of Dian Fossey's mates came up with Gorilla Grip to stick the end back on Dian's .....

.... Swagger Stick, which Dian uses to belt the gorillas that play up a bit.

 

The irony of the mention of a Swagger Stick is important, as Turbo had one up the Khyber, and his had a 50 cal projectile on the top and a 50 cal expended case on the other end, so a thick bit of wood with metal weights on each end, with which to flog the troops.

 

As an insider joke that brought much merriment to the entire battalion, and giggles from the natives on the other side, the Doctors presented Turbs with a chopstick-based Swagger Stick, fitted with the warped & slightly mushroomed three-oh projectile that was extracted from his ding, with a .22 LR case on the other end.

 

Turbo has always had a great sense of humour and camaraderie, so he immediately donated that to the Battalion Museum where it can be seen today, including with the bits of Turbo that are still attached to the projectile, and the other ......

[turboplanner]

........Mementos from "The Pass" as it was known, including the notepaper where Cappy had had to write over and over again "I must not cower down just because a Ghurka lifted his head in the other trenches", and the Teddy Bear he kept under his pillow and .........

[Captain]

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

........Mementos from "The Pass" as it was known, including the notepaper where Cappy had had to write over and over again "I must not cower down just because a Ghurka lifted his head in the other trenches", and the Teddy Bear he kept under his pillow and .........

.... his lucky rabbit's foot (which is still attached to the rabbit so that it can be lucky too), his personal coconut oil, and most importantly of all, his Jabaroota (Jabiru, & not The Hutt) keyring containing his best ....

 

Few people know how close Tubb's comments are to the bone, as when growing up, at about 14 yo and 2 ft shorter than he is now, Crappy spent time in a Gurkha Regiment (Tubb's misspelling is a dire insult) in order to increase his efficiency with the use of the Kukri, a skill in which Crappy is very proficient and as a result he kills silently & makes mean sushi.

Crappy's personal kukri is seen below

[turboplanner]

..........tooth, and the last one in his mouth. He was nicknamed "Gummy" for a while, but late at night would pull out the Kukri and lay it on the table. After a day on the Bombay Gin he could be unpredictable so the "Gummy" name was quickly dropped.

 

It was on one of those nights that...........

[Captain]

35 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

..........tooth, and the last one in his mouth. He was nicknamed "Gummy" for a while, but late at night would pull out the Kukri and lay it on the table. After a day on the Bombay Gin he could be unpredictable so the "Gummy" name was quickly dropped.

 

It was on one of those nights that...........

.... the Crappy/Turdbine friendship was consummated, when several Natives decided to initiate a sneak attack because they knew that Tubb couldn't handle his Gin, and Crappy would be "unpredictable" as Turbo so correctly said above.

 

So picture the scene, Dear Readers. Turbo was in the middle of a sad funk thinking of some previous lady that had let him get somewhere near it, Gin soaked, sweaty in the Khyber heat, and still whinging about the healing bullet hole next to his.

 

Crappy was alert as usual, even while listening to Tubb's 23rd pathetically sad story about the same lady, yet he had the Kukri and his Three-Oh + 20 clips of ball ammo at the ready, as the Native band approached and ..... 

[turboplanner]

.........made the mistake of discussing whether to enter by the front door or the back. Some said the front, others pointed out there was more cover around the back and the argument reached the tribal insult point and woke Cappy up from his dream. Turbo had long since gone back to his bunk.

 

This gave Cappy enough time to fill the group with ball ammo, which ...........

[Captain]

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

This gave Cappy enough time to fill the group with ball ammo, which ......

..... made them whinge a bit too, so poor old Cappy had complaints & whining in stereo, so that encouraged him to ......

[turboplanner]

.........load up goose shot. Not many people know what that is, even Cappy; its a set of bigger balls and is used to herd cattle in the NT. It's much safer than helicopters, and once a bull's had a whiff of goose shot he'll do anything you want. Cappy.......

[Captain]

.... who had been "goosed" a number of times in the past, was therefore very wary, and he ......

[turboplanner]

.....'d observed that the natives had been restless a number of nights and in various films. The Tom Toms had been beating so late in the night lately that Cappy had had to get up and tell them to be quiet.

 

This night was different; the cicadas had stopped, the Tom Toms had stopped and Cappy could hear the rain drops falling on the palm leaves out in the jungle. An eery green glow came from the path to the south and he could see flitting shadows of ..............................

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.....'d observed that the natives had been restless a number of nights and in various films. The Tom Toms had been beating so late in the night lately that Cappy had had to get up and tell them to be quiet.

This night was different; the cicadas had stopped, the Tom Toms had stopped and Cappy could hear the rain drops falling on the palm leaves out in the jungle. An eery green glow came from the path to the south and he could see flitting shadows of ........

..... what he thought could be a foreboding, and while he could be unpredictable at times, as confirmed by Turbo recently, he was also careful in the extreme when his best mate had gone Ni-Nis and Cappy had a duty, even above the usual obligations of mateship, to protect Tink, so Cappy walked, Kukri in hand, bravely but carefully towards the eerie green glow and he ......

[turboplanner]

...was careful to remind himself that a dark skinned native wearing camouflage at night was impossible to see unless you could get him to open his eyes wide; then the whites of his eyes gave him away. Turbo had trained him in this, teaching him to tell jokes as he walked along. The Natives could never stop themselves laughing.   He also had to be careful not to take the head off Blu Tak, a friendly native who did no harm to anyone. Blu Tak owned an Opel Facet [avref].

 

As Cappy crept along, Kukri at the ready, he heard a fart. Immediately 24 eyes glowed white with laughter..........

[Captain]

53 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

As Cappy crept along, Kukri at the ready, he heard a fart. Immediately 24 eyes glowed white with laughter........

..... then fell over from the levity, after which they stood then turned to moon Cappy.

 

All Cappy saw was 12 bullseyes similar to Turbo's, except that these were in better nick, so he raised the three-oh, set the sights for "perineum" and started to plug them from left to right, with a clip change after # 10 had been torn a new one.

 

Luckily Blu Tak, or Bluey to his mates, was #12 and Cappy recognized him, mid moon, from the size of his ......

[turboplanner]

......fuselage and the German Cross on the starboard wing.

He .........

[Captain]

.... also had 2 Aussie roundels displayed below his cock-pit, so that .....

[turboplanner]

......... if he came across that Ace from Bombay, it might be just enough distraction. Cappy had climbed as close to the sun as he dared, which in his  Military Thruster was 500 feet AGL, when .........