The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

21 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.... allow steroids in those locations to get an even chance against Wise Men From The East, and Mainlanders, but after a democratic meeting where every team had an equal vote, and ....

.... after Won's demands (He has always been the power behind the throne at all political levels in WA, and also has some sympathy for the frozen souls down in Tastarctica) for a stacked secret ballot was overturned, based on a show of paws, the meeting (from meeting rooms in Burnie and Rotty by animal Skype) voted for the steroids to be replaced by meaty bites, chicken pellets, & smarties, so that the .....

Edited December 4, 2025 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.....more basic needs were met.

However there was a severe backlash from both the rats and the toads. Captain Rat exploded "You are just treating us like ANIMALS!" and the meeting turned into a shambles nearly as great as the AUF's day of knives in Canberra when everyone who said they were going to say something didn't and there were 13,000 more proxy votes than voters and ...........

[Captain]

10 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.....more basic needs were met.

However there was a severe backlash from both the rats and the toads. Captain Rat exploded "You are just treating us like ANIMALS!" and the meeting turned into a shambles nearly as great as the AUF's day of knives in Canberra when everyone who said they were going to say something didn't and there were 13,000 more proxy votes than voters and ...........

.... your beloved Cappy is proud to say that he was one of the Gang-of-13 on that fateful Canberra day.

 

As many of the world's leading aviation scribblers/dribblers, including Turdbro, WonTrack and bull, will attest, the so-called "AUF Day-of-Knives" made Gough Whitlam's sacking look like a Kindy Christmas Pageant, ..... but the members were ecstatic, Life Memberships were passed out like confetti, Get-Home-Itis was cured once & for all, and the AUF community of happy aviation wanderers went on like ...... 

[turboplanner]

.......dutiful little soldiers into the jaws of .......

 

And we all remember those immortal words by Cappy on that fateful day, and the eyes down shuffling of the great unwashed. Cappy must have felt like Jesus when he turned the corner saw the cross and said "I'm XXXXXX"

Edited December 4, 2025 by turboplanner

[onetrack]

......the worlds greatest warmongerer  - CASA. It was on the steps of the clubhouse that Cappy heard Turbo utter those famous words, that still ring down the decades.

 

He stood there, tall and imposing, and said - "Well may God Save the Queen, because nothing will save recreational pilots from oblivion after this proclamation! They will never silence the outskirts of this organisation, even though they may silence the members on the inside of this...........

 

Edited December 4, 2025 by onetrack

[turboplanner]

.......extensive tent.

Not many people know that Cappy was once considered a potential Prime Minister of Australia.

It was a nuisance for Turbo because he had to keep telling journalists he hadn't been shot in the XXXX up the Khyber Pass.

 

Of course, even though it had been hard enough to get him to shoot some goat meat every day for the starving troops, we had to pretend he handle a rifle better than anyone in the British Army, and saved our lives with his last shot many times.

 

Even Gunga Din campaigned for him but that went down when immigration named him Raj and sent him off the drive a truck.

 

However, ...............

[Captain]

18 hours ago, turboplanner said:

It was a nuisance for Turbo because he had to keep telling journalists he hadn't been shot in the XXXX up the Khyber Pass.

.... but Turbo's celebrity status was boosted even further, if that was even possible, when the PM designate offered to sign the site where he had shot Turbo, so that Turbo could then have the signature tattooed, and photographed, for posterial posterity.

 

Just to be clear for our thousands of NES regular viewers, the entry wound was plumb in the centre of Tubb's perineum (he was touching his toes doing calisthenics at the time) and he must have moved about 25 mm, as Cappy had aimed for his freckular spot ....... where it would have been impossible to see the wound if Cap had been on target.

18 hours ago, turboplanner said:

Even Gunga Din campaigned for him but that went down when immigration named him Raj and sent him off the drive a truck.

However, .....

..... the truck that poor Raj drew from the pool was one that had received 4 chassis repairs by the Turbine Disguised Chassis Repairs Co, which had been formed specifically to limit the reputational damage that had been caused by Tubb's faulty chassis design slide rule (Turbo had bought the slide rule duty free in BangCock, but didn't realise that the reason it was cheap was that it was 3 inches shorter than normal).

 

Raj briefed Lawyer X with the intention to ..... 

Edited December 5, 2025 by Captain

[turboplanner]

....claim lost wages and injury to his elegant, great, and mistake-proof image, but the lawyers had to tell him their laptops were out of memory in day seven of Raj's sworn affidavit.

 

Lead Barrister Mr Goblegravie saved the day by doing a document delete of "Oh My Goodness Gracious Me" There were 7,326 of them deleted.

 

Raj wasn't happy .......................

 

[Captain]

5 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.... claim lost wages and injury to his elegant, great, and mistake-proof image, but the lawyers had to tell him their laptops were out of memory in day seven of Raj's sworn affidavit.

Lead Barrister Mr Goblegravie saved the day by doing a document delete of "Oh My Goodness Gracious Me" There were 7,326 of them deleted.

Raj wasn't happy ....

.... but the lawyers said that they would do him a special deal on the bill + chuck in a huge cooking pot of butter chicken & 20 nan breads ...... if'n he would just bugger off.

 

Little did Raj know that his lawyers were also partners in Turbine, Turbine, Turbine & Goblegravie, and they would be happy to sell him down the Yarra if needed.

 

But, then the sandgroper firm of Track, Track & Track offered to take up Raj's case, as they had been Bondy's lawyers through the bad times and had just been representing The Twigster while he was trying to extract himself from the Green Hydrogen venture (sic), so Raj pricked up .....

[turboplanner]

.....his turban and asked what sort of deal he could get. Won track JR replied that for every Indian truck driver he signed them up to, he would get 30 cents, and since that was double what TTTG had offered he proudly signed a contract. and a couple of days later there was a Mail truck parked outside the front door with hundreds of affidavits. TTT created mayhem in the courts. It seems that each Raj had invented a new way of bending a truck and.......

[onetrack]

........before long, the country was running out of trucks, not just truck drivers. However, a new entity soon appeared to overcome the dreadful situation that was arising.

 

As we all know, "Australia Run On Trucks", and one gent in particular was very mindful of this nation-stopping potential event.

 

Entering at Stage Right was the CEO of Turbine Truck Manufacturing and Refurbishment. In a blaze of glitzy stage lighting and party poppers, Turbine fronted the assembled worried crowd and announced that very soon, Australia would be flooded with new and reconditioned trucks by the shipload, and the country would soon be back to its normal situation of tens of thousands of trucks and no-one to drive them.

 

He did add quietly, almost as an afterthought, "And of course, requiring every Punjabi and Hindu to sit a proper truck driving course, will soon bring that about."

 

Turbo went on, "TTMR will soon be introducing the Maharashta Truck, a product of the Sub-Continent, designed to cope with the lack of skills shown by the average truck driver in Australia today. It will have no "creature comforts" such as air-conditioning, suspension seats or a sleeper - because in the country of origin of these trucks, these creature comforts are unknown and this will ensure the drivers will feel comfortable in a familiar environment."

 

"In addition", he went on, TTMR will send all the current bent trucks to Afghanistan to be repaired, as I made many worthy business contacts there from my time up the Khyber, and inspection of their repair facilities has proven to me that their repair capabilities are world-leading, and accordingly, Australia will benefit greatly from their efforts."

 

Accordingly, Turbo put on a big screen video of the repair shops, which led to a roar of............

 

(Dear NES readers, here is the link to the YT video, showing Turbo's impressive truck repair team. Note the skilled welding without a mask, and the high number of youthful apprentices, showing Turbo's thoughtfulness in the promotion of further skills training....)

 

 

 

[turboplanner]

....Approval from Raj Begum, Raj Saamuda, Raj Jandaklian, Raj Mahindra, Raj Tata and other senior members of the Australian truck industry. "We like it rough!" said Raj Peacock.

Raj Mumbai came up with the great idea of ...............................

[onetrack]

......extending the truck manufacturing and truck repair businesses into aviation manufacturing and aviation repair (note the eventual turn to avref?), utilising all their highly trained staff and youthful apprentices to build the advanced design Turbine Aviation Industries "Truster".

 

Note the clever use of slightly altered wording to make the product appear similar to another brand, whilst promoting trust in the aviation product itself, via word association?

 

The production of the new TAI Truster increased rapidly, especially after Ahmed Bulbul Emir organised for a large supply of scrap aluminium for the aircraft castings, from surplus pots and pans gathered up by street collectors.

 

However, there was a pressing problem that needed to be overcome, as regards the power plant. The specifications (drawn up on a large table napkin) showed a requirement for a lightweight flat six, two stroke, and turbocharged, and able to run on all fuels, including used cooking oil.

 

Ahmed was flummoxed as to where he could find such a complex design. However, he had the number of a man in far-off Western Australia, who was skilled in all things mechanical and making anything from nothing, as he'd had to do all his life. He called up OT and said, "OT, I have an urgent need for a sizeable number of engines that have to be...........

[Captain]

..... untraceable, and I hear on the underworld grapevine that "Untraceable" is your middle name, so .....

[Captain]

5 minutes ago, Captain said:

.... untraceable, and I hear on the underworld grapevine that "Untraceable" is your middle name, so .....

O(U)T has a 27 hp angle grinder specifically designed for engine number erasure, and he can even make all traces of the 7 disappear from a D7 before he sells it as a D10 still under warranty. 

[turboplanner]

.........so Oh my goodness how much would you charge me per motor?

"55 rupees" replied OT.

 

Now this may see a remarkably cheap price for a complex engine in good running order, but there never was a Cat starter motor that didn't need 3 cans of Start ya Bastard and the starter motor rope tied to a Land Cruiser, or three hours with a set of SAE ring spanners. Cat would have been better off starting a relationship with Mr Briggs or Hank Stratton.

 

The TAI Truster powered by CAT(REG) was an instant success, from that ear-shattering pop pop pop pop noise to its full fuse instead of the Thrusters appearance like a horse with its hind quarters sawn off.

 

And they flew like birds.

 

Very soon there were executives commuting all over India in Trusters for business, and they could carry a full suitcase including turbans.

 

It was almost too good to be true..........................

 

 

 

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

"It was almost too good to be true".......

..... said Swami Sarasvatti, who then asked Turbo what is meant when his name is preceded by "Smarmy" instead of Swami, and why ......

Edited December 7, 2025 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.....but Turbo just referred him to Turbine Grammar School for those whose prose is close, and signed him up for a Truster, requesting it be painted duck egg blue. Turbo patiently explained that it had taken six months to train Raj to paint using a black pot, and it would do his brain in if he was shown duck egg blue, but he could throw in heavy mains from a 1999 MAN and this ..................

[onetrack]

......would give the Truster the necessary lugging torque to spin an oversize prop. "Speaking of props", interjected OT, "but I have a close business associate in the marine industry who is an expert on props, and all it takes is a little resizing and rejigging in his factory, and he'll be able to produce any size Truster prop required - provided that it's made from brass, of course, as his operation comprises a brass foundry.

Furthermore, his pricing is competitive with any backyard factory in Gujurat, mainly because he imports many Raj's as indentured Indian labour, and provides them with all their workplace needs, such as mens frocks, factory-grade thongs, multiple large shifters with pipe extensions, and.................

[Captain]

.... a 20 kg sledgy with which to make the final adjustments to the ......

[onetrack]

.....more robust components, such as aileron hinges and control cable mounts.

However, there were some things that weren't allowed in the foundry.

Pork chops for one, and yelling out, "Hey, Raghead! Get that.......

 

(Dear NES readers, Cappy has obviously been snooping around OT's workshop, and taking notes and photos of his specialised tools....)

 

Edited December 8, 2025 by onetrack

[turboplanner]

...batch of wing ribs cut NOW!" Raj Wotrak was a demanding foreman and hated by the production team.

 

The above tool was the rib cutter, and a Rib Cutter was expected to cut 500 ribs per day without cutting any of his own.  Raj Punjabi managed to do this very well until the day when the foareman decided they would go on strike and yelled "DOWN TOOLS OH MY GOODNESS NOW!!!!!!!!"

 

He dropped the Rib Cutter and it ran across the floor neatly chopping off Raj Borwak's toes, climbed the wall and took off the ear of an apprentice, ran out of cord and bounced back cutting the workshp's dog in half, continued on to the other side of the workshop where Raj Rasmussen had just taken his pants off to change for home.

 

They talked about it for years; never had they seen such a clean castration.

 

It dropped to the ground on some hessian, got a good grip and flew into the air, heading for Raj Wotrak's gut........................

 

 

[Captain]

12 hours ago, turboplanner said:

It dropped to the ground on some hessian, got a good grip and flew into the air, heading for Raj Wotrak's gut. .....

..... Now the Wotrak gut is well known west of the border.

 

Some say that it is a genetic deformity and some claim that it is a male phantom pregnancy, but one thing is certain and that is that all of the Wotracks have it and on aircraft (avref) with a centre floor mounted stick between the pilot's legs, the Wotracks always need to have the stick moved forward.

 

(The Wotraks also all carry a mirror on a selfie stick, & some need that mirror to be of the enlarging [flattering] type, but that is another story for some future NES expose.)

 

So Raj was in fear, but the rest of the workforce downed tools to see what might issue forth from that massive gut when it has been lanced.

 

They didn't have to wait long, as .....

Edited December 8, 2025 by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......the out of control Rib Cutter headed towards that huge gut.........but then something happened that OHS people drill into workers over and over again - Never assume! the gut cutter ran over a power cord, shorting which dropped its altitude and headed for the open toed shoes of that lazy Raj Cook and chopped his big ........

[Captain]

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

.......the out of control Rib Cutter headed towards that huge gut.........but then something happened that OHS people drill into workers over and over again - Never assume! the gut cutter ran over a power cord, shorting which dropped its altitude and headed for the open toed shoes of that lazy Raj Cook and chopped his big ........

..... beach-ball sized falafel into the equivalent of 700 ta'amiyya.

 

But just as the crew were about to hook into the tasty treats, the equivlent of a CASA tyrant came in and said "I note that Turbo has reported that a power cord has been run over, so please get me the Test & tag paperwork and the inspector that signed off on this. And where is the training module & the module completion sign-offs for the Rib Cutter?

 

The room went quiet and it was obvious that applying 1st world procedures to 3rd World WA factory operational practices would result in a s&!#fignt, so quite a few Rajs stated to walk backwards towards the ........