The Never Ending Story

[turboplanner]

.......Mormon and worse, one of those WA barons who built the rabbit proof fence, 

and worse than that had his Bulldog, Bull slobbering out of sight in the folds of  his silk Knight's underdress.

 

The polite request was too late; so was the "GET BACK HERE! you XXXXXXX mongrel!' but as  Bluey brushed Sir Onetrack's leg, there was a snorting and slobering sound, which at first was taken to be Sir Onetrack crapping his pants, but from the folds emereged two enormous bottom teeth, then ...............

 

[Captain]

14 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

..... but from the folds emerged two enormous bottom teeth, then ........

..... everyone realized what pain Sir Onetrack must have been in, as if you have 2 enormous teeth down there, they would we worse than impacted or infected wisdom teeth.

 

These enormous bottom teeth, sometimes known as "clacker-fangs" (CFs) are also a pain in the bum on very long cross-country flights, when they ......

Edited September 29 by Captain

[bull]

1 hour ago, Captain said:

..... everyone realized what pain Sir Onetrack must have been in, as if you have 2 enormous teeth down there, they would we worse than impacted or infected wisdom teeth.

 

These enormous bottom teeth, sometimes known as "clacker-fangs" (CFs) are also a pain in the bum on very long cross-country flights, when they ......

.......tended to pierce the rectum in .................

[Captain]

22 minutes ago, bull said:

....... tended to pierce the rectum in .......

..... side and out until it was a real mess.

 

However, always after a quid, Turbine Proctology Services was formed, and they arranged to have a covered stall, coffee machine, adult magazine stall (avref), and under-the-table booze fridge at all fly-ins, plus a big enlargement mirror to allow cross-country Rec.Rec. Flying pilots (in this case not "Recreational" but "recked-rectum) to have a squizz at their own tooth induced damage and to then immediately ......

Edited September 29 by Captain

[onetrack]

.....start an earnest discussion with Turbo as to how he handled cross-country, long distance recreational flying (long overdue avref) after he had been accidentally shot in the perineum by Cappy when up the Khyber (literally, making that episode, an up-the-Khyber double).

 

The interesting part was, Turbo received two lots of large medals, for being Up the Khyber twice - one medal for serving in the Khyber mission, the second one for the major perineal injury (the medal recommendation actually read that "Turbo took one up the a*** for his Troops").

 

The senior officers on the Awards Panel were moved to tears when they read this outline of the reasons for the recommendation. And they weren't emotional tears, either, as the senior officers personally imagined Turbo's pain and discomfort).

 

However, I digress from the initial paragraph of this story. The bite-affected flyers were astonished to find that Turbo had started up "Turbine Inc Comfort Seating" when he realised that aircraft designers and manufacturers pay very little attention to seat comfort - both in commercial aircraft, and in recreational/kit aircraft.

To this end, Turbo had stolen a seat design expert from Recaro, plus a senior proctologist from a leading University (who specialised in perineal repair from serious bites on the a***).

 

The Proctologist realised there was a major market in designing vastly-improved comfortable seating for those who had been bitten on the a***, after reading many media reports - and as as a result, he joined Turbine Inc Comfort Seating with some alacrity, seeing the huge potential for his skills to be used, and accordingly he........

[turboplanner]

.......toured the Capital Cities with his scripted "Breakthrough for people who have been bitten on the a***".  Towards the end of his presentation he'd added a joke section for the ferals, and this proved more popular than his medical story.

 

Turbine Public Relations quickly seized on this to launch a Games Show called Bitten on the a***, where contestants started with the theoretical Khyber scenery and Sneaky Cappy firing at Turbo, then .......

[Captain]

42 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.......toured the Capital Cities with his scripted "Breakthrough for people who have been bitten on the a***".  Towards the end of his presentation he'd added a joke section for the ferals, and this proved more popular than his medical story.

Turbine Public Relations quickly seized on this to launch a Games Show called Bitten on the a***, where contestants started with the theoretical Khyber scenery and Sneaky Cappy firing at Turbo, then .......

..... it was time for the unveiling of the new seat, so Turbs booked the Sydney Opera House and invited thousands of a-holes, bitten or otherwise.

 

When the red satin veil was pulled from the his & hers imitation Recaros, Turbo invited his honoured guests, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle to try them out.

 

When they eased back into the Recaros the seats each made a pharting noise (but half an octave apart so that they also made that annoying wavering sound like 2 outboards at the same revs) so that glasses shattered throughout the building and one of the sails developed a structural fault as it shed some tiles.

 

It turns out that Turbo's proccy mate had just inserted a large Chinese made whoopy cushion into each Recaro and charged him a ........

Edited September 30 by Captain

[turboplanner]

....extra million or so for the batch.

 

TPR had hand picked the audience from various people who would believe anything without checking, and seated those with multiple beliefs down the front, grading towards the back where the people who always checked the facts were sitting quietly, not getting wrapped up in the pantomime,but ready to spread the word the next day and trigger believers to rush in to their proctologists. Of course they were too late to get an appointment because all the believers had started to feel toothache "down there". The protologists joined the rich and famous, and more people imagined they were biting themselves. Many, when the Proctologists told them there were no teeth, went out and had implants fitted. When people started to tell them it was a scam, they became enraged and sent YouTube copies of the  ..............

[Captain]

1 hour ago, turboplanner said:

When people started to tell them it was a scam, they became enraged and sent YouTube copies of the  .......

..... Implant Operation (erky perky) just like Macron's missus is planning to present her nip & tuck video (even more erky perky) as evidence in her action against Candace O.

 

On the bright side, these videos went viral and Turdbine Yu.Toob has a fake app out in the marketplace that is indistinguishable from the original, so TYT picked up the 2 cents per click and this revenue flow meant that ..... 

Edited September 30 by Captain

[turboplanner]

....Turbo had the cash to put a robotic cat skinner in every cat farm. This of course put the cat skinners out of work but most of them, as in the transport industry were Indians on temporary visas so he sent them back. That left 17 Tru Blu Australian Cat Skinners. He opened at Caesars Palace, Las Vegas with the show "Cat Skinners".

Americans being Americans didn't take any notice of the Title; they were in Vegas and Caesar's Palace was Caesar's Palace.

As we know, Vegas is FULL of cats, and it wasn't hard to train special cat dogs to catch them. The 17 skinners came on stage at 8:30 and skun cats for two hours. Some people came out throwing up, most looked green and 25% rebooked for the next show. Sam Petrucci, the owner said it was the best show he'd had in years, in fact grossing more than Liberace, and booked....................

[Captain]

38 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

The 17 skinners came on stage at 8:30 and skun cats for two hours. Some people came out throwing up, most looked green and 25% rebooked for the next show. Sam Petrucci, the owner said it was the best show he'd had in years, in fact grossing more than Liberace, and booked......

... them for a repeat season, but Sam was astute and wanted to add a musical foot-tapping element so he tried to also book the Possum Skinners to the lineup, but they had a lifetime booking at the Launceston Casino, so Sam booked the next best thing, the Possum Scratchers, a leading NSW group that are favoured to win the best NSW talent for 2025, and here they are below playing in front of their painted Back-porch Sleepout backdrop Scenery on the main stage at Ceasars.

 

Bookings for the next season immediately quadrupled, outstripping Liberace, Elton John and Tom Jones combined, and when Turbo also added a few out of work Maori ex-shearers into the Cat Skinning lineup, the .....

 

 

Edited September 30 by Captain

[turboplanner]

......Hoki Tika Rock Band. Hetre they are pracitising in a New Zealand dining room for the floor show, and about to switch to a slower tempo for their main song. The singer has a cold, but on a good night ..................

[Captain]

..... the video camera actually works and they can be seen. (Note the lead singer's spitoon).

 

And here they are, on a good night .....

Edited October 1 by Captain

[turboplanner]

...........but it  was also a black night, and the band couldn't be seen, but the hillbilly dogs joined in and .....

Edited Thursday at 06:05 AM by turboplanner

[Captain]

11 hours ago, turboplanner said:

...........but it  was also a black night, and the band couldn't be seen, but the hillbilly dogs joined in and .....

..... then the drummer smiled for the 1st time, just as he was about to play his Levon Helm tribute number, and the crowd called out in unison "There he is, bro" and  ......

 

The drummer looks the spit of Levon Helm, Richard Hadlee and Jonah Lomu.

Edited Thursday at 05:08 PM by Captain

[turboplanner]

..........the crowd went wild especially a big shape in a dayglo pink shirt which was being picked up by the uv light. Cappy, who was dressed in knee length shorts with an orange shirt hanging out and a pair of sunnies (clearly not needed) was lurking and slobbering over the girls - those big Caribbean types that squash ............

[Captain]

20 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

..........the crowd went wild especially a big shape in a dayglo pink shirt which was being picked up by the uv light. Cappy, who was dressed in knee length shorts with an orange shirt hanging out and a pair of sunnies (clearly not needed) was lurking and slobbering over the girls - those big Caribbean types that squash ............

..... giant clams between their knees, yet here they all were at a Levon Helm farewell concert love-in, full on bon ami (not the scouring powder chemical cleaner) and a few of those strong Caribbean types couldn't decide whether to take Cappy home or Jonah, as their similar physiques often led the lasses astray, so instead of making a decision, they simply ......

 

The similarities between Crappy and Jonah are striking.

Edited Thursday at 07:39 PM by Captain

[turboplanner]

.......took both home, but Cappy.........

[Captain]

17 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.......took both home, but Cappy.........

..... has always lived his life by his strong belief in the principals of monogamy, ................ and as a member of the Clergy (his 2 abiding beliefs being in the virtues of the Church and in the essential merits of Weight and Balance limits).

 

So Cappy rejected the opportunity even though he knew that he could outperform Jonah, and excused himself, saying that he ....... 

 

For those of you that are concerned for Cappy's welfare due to his strict adherence to monogamy, please be assured that while this meant that he missed out on a few, like bull, Onesie and Turbs, Cappy has got more than his fair share too.

Edited Thursday at 08:34 PM by Captain

[turboplanner]

........had an early flight in a Drifter [avref] in the morning and they could be a XXXXXXX to handle in early morning crosswinds so he needed to be on his ..........

[Captain]

12 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

........had an early flight in a Drifter [avref] in the morning and they could be a XXXXXXX to handle in early morning crosswinds so he needed to be on his ..........

..... best coordinated behavior.

 

Some cruel Wreck Flyers have previously stated that Crappy is a bit unco, and that his left hand doesn't know what his right hand is doing (NB - that can be enjoyable after long days fighting tribals), however that saying arose up the Khyber, because Cappy's left hand was waving at Turbo in a friendly "come hither' motion, while at the same time Cappy's right hand, and eye, shot him in the clacker.

 

But worry not dear Readers as the flight in the Drifter went spectacularly well, being crossed controls all the way, and the video of that flight was the main reason why the letter came from Qantas offering Cappy the Chief Pilot's caper, and why ............

Edited Thursday at 08:52 PM by Captain

[Captain]

5 hours ago, Captain said:

why the letter came from Qantas offering Cappy the Chief Pilot's caper, and why ......

5 hours ago, Captain said:

...... and as a member of the Clergy

Explanatory Note - Things being a little tough at Quaintarse at the moment, they knew from the above that by make this offer, that Cappy could fulfil 2 roles for the price of one.

• Chief Pilot
   
• Chief Sky Pilot.

 

Edited Friday at 02:01 AM by Captain

[turboplanner]

......but dotless, and this was not a good look for a Chief Pilot, or for that matter Chief Sky Pilot the great Australian Airline gave him both positions.

 

There was Cappy looking VERY uncomfortable in front of the assembled Staff, very much like a dog about to do a carpet drag.

 

And when Cappy sat down in the dust and ......................

[Captain]

39 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

And when Cappy sat down in the dust and .......

..... tried to get rid of that persistent & pesky Platyhelminthes Cestoda.

 

The assembled staff cut him some slack, as the video of his 100% coordinated Drifter flight had gone viral within the Q system to silent applause from all flight-crew, none of whom had previously seen such crossed-controls (CC) skills demonstrated so effectively, and also ....... with Cappy slated & destined to eventually take the position previously held by the Leprechaun, the Q staff, who are normally as loyal to management as an ABC Newsroom, all smiled and applauded like a Kim Jong Un birthday bash.

 

So, while the crowd were in a KJU subservience mood, Cappy thought that he would purge a few of them, just to show who is boss, and that he would not just be another gay Irish garden gnome.

 

"Bring out the cannon" he instructed as he prepared to strap a particularly good-looking 1st Officer (Crappy doesn't like such competition) to the muzzle and ........

Edited Saturday at 09:13 PM by Captain

[turboplanner]

........touch the candle to the fuse.

There was a soft ffffffsssssssttt...................................then nothing.

This had sometimes happened on the Khyber with the khybers who wouldn't get up and fight, leaving the heavy lifting to Cappy and Turbo (Turbo would always be a step behind Cappy after that careless shot). Turbo would just shoot them to save on food rations, but Cappy had a way of ingratiating himself with them and they would start to charge forward becoming good targets while Cappy blasted away at the enemy.

On this occasion, he unstrapped the good looking First Officer Roxanne  and motivated her to ...........................