The Never Ending Story

[Captain]

39 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

.....a spear sharpener under the desk in Grade 2, and..............

..... spent time with the Gurkhas in order to hide his activities behind the lines in China, where he became so expert and precise with wielding a kukri that one of the many Japanese restaurants in Tibet offered him a job chucking eggs across the BBQ, using his kukri to make roses out of radishes, and ......

 

What Cappy's great, great, great grandy can do with one radish and his kukri.

Edited September 6 by Captain

[Captain]

If any NESer wants a kukri, Cappy can get you one cheap via Cappy being the Grand Poobah of the Knights Templar.

Cappy can also get you a special life insurance & funeral deal (mainly funeral) if you want to come and fight for us in Syria. 

 

Edited September 6 by Captain

[onetrack]

.....to chop up other vegetables - seeing as he was actually the campsite cook - not any frontline combat hero. Yes, dear NES readers, this explains why Cappy bears the surname of Cook, as cooking for the tribe has been a primary occupation of Cappy's family line ever since his ancestors crawled out of the caves, stood upright, and had a look around. 

 

This skill was developed right after Fred "Flintstone" Cook, first discovered that dead dinosaurs tasted better when chunks of meat off them (cut off with kukri's, of course) were toasted to charcoal crispness over open fires - and this promptly led to other Neanderthals turning up, to find out what the delicious smell was - and Fred offering them samples - with larger portions available in exchange for spear heads, sharpened flint stones, etc, etc. 

 

All this led to Fred figuring out that a dinosaur meat food truck was what was really needed, and if he could get that fire up onto a moving bed, he'd be able to extend his meat sales extensively. 

Accordingly, Fred tried to invent the wheel, so he could move his dinosaur meats around. His first attempts were pathetic, with square sides and offset holes (sort of like Cappys aircraft-construction efforts) - but before long, Fred had........

[turboplanner]

1 hour ago, Captain said:

If any NESer wants a kukri, Cappy can get you one cheap via Cappy being the Grand Poobah of the Knights Templar.

Cappy can also get you a special life insurance & funeral deal (mainly funeral) if you want to come and fight for us in Syria. 

 

The Nepalese are very thoughtful people. To qualify for the Army they must be able to take the head off a bull with one hand in one slash. They only use the little ones on children but they can get two at a time, so it's all over quick.

[Captain]

16 hours ago, onetrack said:

he was actually the campsite cook - not any frontline combat hero.

As all NESers would know, it is not easy being the Campside Cook, a Forward Scout and the Commanding Officer, but the Cooks have performed that role ever since Fred and Wilma first did "it" in the back seat of his peddle car.

 

Wilma getting ready for once they drop off Barney and Betty.

 

16 hours ago, onetrack said:

sharpened flint stones

All NESers should applaud Onesie's clever play on the Flintstone name.

 

16 hours ago, onetrack said:

Accordingly, Fred tried to invent the wheel, so he could move his dinosaur meats around. His first attempts were pathetic, with square sides and offset holes (sort of like Cappys aircraft-construction efforts) - but before long, Fred had.......

..... perfected the tail dragger (dogwithwormsref) undercarriage, the Unicycle, the Menstrual Cycle, the Malvern Star, and the .....

Edited September 6 by Captain

[Captain]

16 hours ago, turboplanner said:

The Nepalese are very thoughtful people. To qualify for the Army they must be able to take the head off a bull with one hand in one slash. They only use the little ones on children but they can get two at a time, so it's all over quick.

Hence why there are so few children in Nepal.

[turboplanner]

.......Great Circle.

Of course, since the wheel hadn't been invented yet, none of them were circular like a Thrusters wheels, so the word "circle" was just a name he'd dreamed up.

Cook had tried every material. He'd tried cutting off branches off trees, and when his cooking platform was standing on all four logs and he pushed it forward it worked until the logs hit the ground. One day he thought, "I wonder what would happen if I laid them down sideways, and the wheel was born.

Cook.........

[Captain]

..... had invented the single greatest advancement for homos-apiens since they developed the term "Hunter-Gatherer" and Grok Turbine had come up with "Redhead matches", but hadn't yet worked out what to do with them, until .....

Edited September 6 by Captain

[Captain]

6 hours ago, turboplanner said:

"I wonder what would happen if I laid them down sideways, and the wheel was born.

It is little known that the first use of the wheel was to use the timber offcuts to make skateboards. This invention made the Neanderthals very jealous as all of their females loved the freedom and antisocial acts of the Homo-S skateboarders as they zoomed around the front of Neanderthal caves and buggered up their paintings with their wheel tracks.

[turboplanner]

......one day ergot bull had a piece of bison jammed between hid teeth, shaved the end of a "Red Head match" and the product shot to success as the first tooth cleaner.

 

A few hundred years later Grot was cleaning his teeth and a thought came to him; he flicked his fingers in delight, and heard a ffffssssstttt", and yelled in pain "Og Scrit"!

 

Seeing the flame, it dawned on him.............

 

 

 

[Captain]

16 hours ago, Captain said:

It is little known that the first use of the wheel was to use the timber offcuts to make skateboards. This invention made the Neanderthals very jealous as all of their females loved the freedom and antisocial acts of the Homo-S skateboarders as they zoomed around the front of Neanderthal caves and buggered up their paintings with their wheel tracks.

For those NESers unfamiliar with "The Big and Expansive History of Mankind" as written by Cappy, published by Turbine Press, and for sale in the city via Turbine and Robinsons & on the interweb via Turdazon or AmaTurd, the evidence is now clear from original neandertal cave paintings found in France, and in identical Egyptian hieroglyphs from which the following is a direct scanned copy.

[Captain]

15 hours ago, turboplanner said:

A few hundred years later Grot was cleaning his teeth and a thought came to him; he flicked his fingers in delight, and heard a ffffssssstttt", and yelled in pain "Og Scrit"!

 

Seeing the flame, it dawned on him.......

..... that this is ideal material for making the bangy bit in the centre of a bolt bomb, [which were all the rage when Cappy was at high school (Yes, dear readers, he did proudly go that far with his edumacation)] so he scraped the red bits off the matches (which were thereafter known as "Heads" or "Blunt Toothpicks"}, put them inside the nut, added a cap from his cap-gun, screwed in the other bolt and headed around to throw it at Throg's mum's cave, after which .....

 

See the latest Hamas video below .... all liability denied.

 

Edited September 7 by Captain

[turboplanner]

Grot would run like a Pterodactyl drinking.

If Throg's mum had been born a few million years later, she could have been an Olympic runner. Grot never learned his lesson, so she caught him again and again, and pretended to feed him to the .........................

[Captain]

42 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

Grot would run like a Pterodactyl drinking.

If Throg's mum had been born a few million years later, she could have been an Olympic runner. Grot never learned his lesson, so she caught him again and again, and pretended to feed him to the .........................

..... crocodilian .....

Edited September 8 by Captain

[turboplanner]

..........but Grot wasn't frightened; he always carried a stick under his sabre-tooth bear skin to jam the crocodilian's mouth open - then what could it do.

 

Eventually one day as he ran round a corner, there was a crocodilian smiling at him ........

[Captain]

16 hours ago, turboplanner said:

..........but Grot wasn't frightened; he always carried a stick under his sabre-tooth bear skin to jam the crocodilian's mouth open - then what could it do.

 

Eventually one day as he ran round a corner, there was a crocodilian smiling at him ........

..... , and in considering Grot's predicament it pays to remember that prehistoric crocodilians (PCs) were not the pissy little 20 footers that Turbo and Cappy sometimes wrestle today for the tourists at Steve's joint (so that they can check out Bindi & her mum).

 

Back then they were more sizeable and below is a pic that Grot's mum took with her box brownie, when men were men (well partly developed Homos-apiens anyway) and the Crocs were proper full sized, although .....

 

That is Grot standing fully erect for the 1st time, at the bottom of the arrow.

Edited September 8 by Captain

[Captain]

41 minutes ago, Captain said:

FAIRNESS WARNING FOR ALL NESers.

It has just come to Cappy's attention that the above image may possibly have been enhanced by AI, .......... so Grot's mum was certainly ahead of the game with her AI skills.

 

The bloke at lower left is from Turbine's Prehistorical Nails & Beauty and is giving it a pedicure and nail trim, which can be dangerous if you trim the nails too short so that it hurts.

Edited September 8 by Captain

[turboplanner]

............in fact that's the eighth Pedi Team member in the photo, and as it happens, Turbine's Prehistorical Nails and Beauty has a vacancy for a Pedi consultant; must be able to run fast.

[turboplanner]

............it has to be admitted that they crushed the mangroves, the mudcrabs and wiped out the rare one legged sun crab, covered the walking tracks with mud and ate all the easy to catch mini buffalo and short legged kangaroos. For that reason the Environmental Sherrifs, Clag and Phog would turn a blind eye to killing a crocodylianus cookii, as long as the carcass was disposed of thoughtfully.

[Captain]

2 hours ago, turboplanner said:

............it has to be admitted that they crushed the mangroves, the mudcrabs and wiped out the rare one legged sun crab, covered the walking tracks with mud and ate all the easy to catch mini buffalo and short legged kangaroos. For that reason the Environmental Sherrifs, Clag and Phog would turn a blind eye to killing a crocodylianus cookii, as long as the carcass was disposed of thoughtfully.

And there, dear readers, plus our tens of thousands of NES lurkers, endeth the NES, there being no way to continue.

 

So has it been deliberately shut down or has Turbo's computer/tablet/phone, or whatever else he uses, simply run out ....'s.

 

If so, Cappy would be happy to lend Turbo 5 ..'s until payday ....... or pension day.

Edited September 10 by Captain

[turboplanner]

Turbo wishes to reassure NES readers that he merely tapped his mouse (NTTIAWWT) accidentally and the part- finished prose was on it's way!

 

............it has to be admitted that they crushed the mangroves, the mudcrabs and wiped out the rare one legged sun crab, covered the walking tracks with mud and ate all the easy to catch mini buffalo and short legged kangaroos. For that reason the Environmental Sherrifs, Clag and Phog would turn a blind eye to killing a crocodylianus cookii, as long as the carcass was disposed of thoughtfully.

 

A surly member of the tribe, bullphrog began to find these remains and carted them on two sticks back into the village and down to the sea where he baited  a Pterodactyl's wing thorn and started catching hairy-backed sharks which he cut up and sold for ............

[Captain]

3 hours ago, turboplanner said:

A surly member of the tribe, bullphrog began to find these remains and carted them on two sticks back into the village and down to the sea where he baited  a Pterodactyl's wing thorn and started catching hairy-backed sharks which he cut up and sold for ......

..... a lot more per kg than bull gets for his by-catch.

 

The Sharkus-Hairybackus is a well know killer, so Turbo .....

[turboplanner]

.... who had flown in from the 21st century in his experimental time machine and noticed that the meat looked very much like cat meat, and did a deal with bullphrog for all the Sharkus-Hairybackus he could supply for six shells per big load' (tons hadn't been invented let alone metrically converted).

 

This made bullphrog the equivalent of a 21 st century multi-millionaire like Cappy.

 

Turbo's time machine was interesting. He'd bought it as a work in progress of a recreational aircraft the Diamond Dog. The owner had been building it for 12 years without success while asking how to do this from the range of rock stars to toilet attendants who advised him regularly on metalurgy and particularly electronics.

 

The end result was that the aircraft never flew; what could with a galvanised iron skin ("puts huge extra strength into the wings mate") and the lights and radio wouldn't work in spite of 10,000 pages of internet advice.

 

Turbo bought it for a dollar on the proviso that he would also take the hundreds of parts left over from the build.

 

Idly, he started connectig wires when he got it home, and heard a noise ......"This - is the BBC" and "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" and "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" Turbo's grandfather had told him this was a French Resistance code for "Drop 48 cases of exlosives, 18 Owen guns, 6 Gestapo Uniforms and a carton of Jaffas"

 

He didn't do anything more to that wiring, then connected the volume wires and a screen flashed up reading "1944".

 

He turned the volume up and the screen said 1979, and there were Cappy and Turbo lying on the gravel of the Kyber pass, rapid - firing at a hundred advancing Khybers. He quickly hit a button marked "Cutoff" and two hundred arms fell bleeding into the Khyber dust.

 

"This aircaft might be worth something" he said to ...................................

Edited September 11 by turboplanner

[Captain]

25 minutes ago, turboplanner said:

He turned the volume up and the screen said 1979, and there were Cappy and Turbo lying on the gravel of the Kyber pass, rapid - firing at a hundred advancing Khybers. He quickly hit a button marked "Cutoff" and two hundred arms fell bleeding into the Khyber dust.

 

"This aircaft might be worth something" he said to ..........

..... Joey Starlin, Chairman Mao and Idi Armin "As it will make the exterminations faster and with Turbo as your Head of Security you can also ......

[Captain]

13 hours ago, Captain said:

..... Joey Starlin, Chairman Mao and Idi Armin "As it will make the exterminations faster and with Turbo as your Head of Security you can also ......

...... purge your enemies to your heart's content, and that also means that you can .....

 

Knowing him as I do, as a best mate, I can say that when Turbo "purges" he usually does so like a man who has eaten 5 crook mussels, 4 rotten oysters and a bucket of manky prawns such that you wouldn't think that his body could take it any more (so Cappy will refrain from posting some of the videos that he has taken of Turbo in the past, mid-purge), but in the use of the term mentioned in the post, Turbo will arrange for anyone that Joey or Idi or Tung don't like to be taken around behind the dunny and terminated using the services of Turbine Purging and Termination Contractors PLC.

Edited September 11 by Captain