Words of Wisdom!

[farri]

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.

 

Wisdom is not using it in a fruit salad.

 

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'

 

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

 

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

 

- Eleanor Roosevelt

 

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

 

- Mark Twain

 

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

 

- George Burns

 

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Santa Claus has the right idea.

 

Visit people only once a year.

 

- Victor Borge

 

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

 

- Mark Twain

 

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

 

- Socrates

 

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

 

- Groucho Marx

 

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

 

- Jimmy Durante

 

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

 

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

 

- Alex Levine

 

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

 

- Rodney Dangerfield

 

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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

 

- Spike Milligan

 

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

 

- Joe Namath

 

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

 

- Bob Hope

 

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

 

- W. C. Fields

 

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

 

- Will Rogers

 

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

 

- Winston Churchill

 

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

 

- Phyllis Diller

 

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

 

- Billy Crystal

 

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And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

 

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May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and may nothing but happiness come through your door.