Neologisms

[Guest thrasher]

Neologisms

 

Once again, winning

 

submissions to a yearly neologism contest, in which readers are

 

asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are as follows:

 

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

 

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you

 

have gained.

 

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

 

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

 

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

 

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you

 

absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

 

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

 

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

 

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up

 

after you are run over by a steamroller.

 

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

 

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

 

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by

 

proctologists.

 

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

 

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation

 

with Yiddishisms.

 

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief

 

that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck

 

there.

 

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts

 

worn by Jewish men.